16 October 2011

Talking to Ana


A conversation between Ana and me this morning…

Following an argument with my younger sister and knock on argument with my parents, this is the way the Ana and I sorted this whole thing out. I am going to start doing this more often so I can work out how to shut her up, once and for all...this is a technique used by Jenni Schaefer in her book, and I think it really does help me further separate my thoughts from my eating disordered thoughts.

Ana: Don’t eat your breakfast. They don’t care about you and you don’t need this breakfast now. You didn’t want it anyway did you? I will make you feel better if you don’t eat it.

Me: You’re right, I hate this breakfast. I don’t deserve to eat it anyway, what’s the point?

Ana:  100%, that’s right –don’t eat it. Make a scene – It’ll make them feel bad and guilty for not caring about you and you’ll feel good afterwards for not eating it.

Me: You’re right, I want them to feel bad about this too.

Ana: So stop eating you selfish fat cow.

 <I WALK AWAY FROM THE BOWL – GO DRY MY HAIR READY TO GET OUT THE HOUSE AND GO FOR A WALK.  THEN RETURN TO THE BOWL >

Me: Hang on, You’re not helping me are you? It’s just going to make it worse by causing a scene. And you’re wrong, how does ME not eating make them feel bad? It’s killing me, not them. You’re wrong!”

<I PICK UP THE BOWL AND CARRY ON EATING, THIS TIME OUTSIDE ALONE and CRYING>

Ana: No I am not. I made people listen to you before didn’t I? They can’t hear you. They don’t even CARE that you’re crying

Me: Yes they can hear me. I just need to clear my head and then talk to them about it when I have shut you up.

Ana: Leave a little bit of breakfast then, just for me?

Me: Okay, but just a little.

<I LEAVE SOME BREAKFAST...THEN, WALKING TO COSTA>

Ana: Thank You for that Sarah. Just think, you're burning calories now too. Great! Oh, and when you get to Costa you’ll order an Americano – because you’ve had too much milky coffee recently and there are WAY too many calories in them. You’ve already had too much this morning; you won’t have saved any calories if you do. Plus, today is Sunday; you’re bound to eat too much later too.

Me: Ana, restricting my calories is not going to make them feel worse. They are getting on with their lives and want me to get better too. I am having a coffee light not an Americano, I've burnt cals and deserve it.

Ana: Okay, well you won’t be having a burger with your dinner then or bread with your soup later, unless you like being greedy that is?

Me: Oh, we’ll see about that Ana. By the time I have cleared my head I might feel stronger again. Plus, I know I can’t let other people’s emotions stop my recovery. Including YOU.

<I DRINK COFFEE AND WRITE THIS>

The bad bit of this is I DIDN'T have the burger, this has had an effect on my mood and eating today. I am going to bed under my calories and I feel very low tonight. Let's hope a conversation with her tomorrow goes more my way....

3 comments :

  1. Hi Sarah!

    Thank you so much for your comment on my blog. Plus, it brought me to discover your blog! I really related to this conversation between you and Ana. I had a very similar conversation today. I was also glad to see that you're reading Jenni Shaefer's book. I truly appreciate her writing because it gives me hope for recovery. My copy is simply covered in highlighter!

    Connecting with people like you is exactly why I started blogging. I'm looking forward to following your journey.

    -Emily

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  2. Your writing is so honest. I am glad I found your blog, and I look forward to following you on your journey. Be gentle with yourself and keep fighting for recovery ; )

    ps- Life Without ED was such a huge help to me in my recovery. I am glad you are reading it. You should also read her new book. Goodbye ED, Hello Me. My copies of both of those books are highlighted, underlined, and written in! And I find myself re-reading certain chapters still today when I need a little pick me up in my recovery.

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  3. Thank you for your comments - I am so glad that her book touched and was useful to you both too. I am constantly underlining and making note in it as I read. I will have to order Goodbye Ed, Hello Me. - I'm sure it's fab too. Thank you for following. Recovery is hard and we all need inspiration from those who are on the same path. Keep healthy.

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