I get by with a little help from...?

...well, I don't know how I get by to be perfectly honest with you. I just do.

Despite having regular moments of complete self-doubt, many moments of body checking and negative self talk. Despite living with the guilt of feeling greedy, despite not eating half of the foods I know I should. I get by with the rules I live by, the routine I crave and I get by with only the odd melt downs to friends.I get by with making sense of changing my 'menu' if I need to, I get by when I am too fed up to even give a sh*t.

Generally I think I get by with a *little* help because I am so god damn determined not to completely f*ck up my life (AGAIN). I get by with the tools I learnt in therapy to argue back with more logical suggestions or reasoning. I get by living on my terms and within 'accepted' guides.

People often ask me 'what support are you getting...' well, none. But I don't know what support I need, or want. That's the problem. I don't know what the issue IS exactly. Other than feeling the same as I used to about vast parts of my life. I don't have a solution to fix this. 

It's the same old "I am not good enough to do that...", "I will mess that up...", "I look fat/ugly/scruffy/wrong/not good enough", "I have nothing to wear because I don't fit in clothes"... Or maybe its at work..."I hope they don't hate me"...."It's my fault..", "I've done something wrong.." issues AND I still feel the absolute fear of actually going for something, despite wanting to do it. I hate how all this worry and anxiety means I come across way more negative a person than I actually am.

When I've said something in response or done something that I know is driven by my lack of self-belief or my fear of failing at it, or I am faced with something I am not fully sure of, I HATE my gut reaction. I instantly know what I have done, and I hate it. It also becomes another thing I beat myself up about.

But I digress, I get by with a little....well, a lot of rules and habits which I really don't like breaking. I get by in life by sticking to the rules. I'd love to not sure 'get by' with a little of anything. But in all honesty, I can't imagine life any different to this at the moment. When I say that, my best mate hates it. although, it's true. I can't.

I have always just 'got through' or 'got by' even when I HATE my body, HATE my habits and HATE that I am in the 'almost disordered' place, where I don't listen fully to anorexia - but don't TRUST or really WANT to push in the opposite direction, because to be quite honest I already dislike the feel and look of my body and don't really like what I perceive as greedy - and the fact I eat anyway and don't exercise. I sound like a broken record here, but it is just doubting EVERYTHING, it doubting the food I eat, doubting my ability at work, doubting what others tell me, and on...and on...

Why ARE you here Sarah?

When you have NO idea why you're sat back in the chair of a therapy room of the eating disorders unit, that's not what one wants to hear. My initial thoughts were "because I am a me-me who wants the attention and loves her fake anorexia..." 

Yes, really. Second thought was "I don't know." followed soon after by "...you tell me..." 

I certainly have no idea, that's for sure. Yes, I haven't gained the weight they initially wanted me to. Yes, I still have rules that could be seen as anorexic. No I don't like my body. Yes I do count calories...and no, I don't know why I am here.

What do you want to do? What goals have you got? What do you hope to achieve by coming back?

I DON'T KNOW. 

What makes it MORE confusing and the thoughts I am left with after my second session with Dr K. (the 'new' Mrs W/Dr B) is that SHE doesn't think I need to be there. She thinks I am 'recovered' enough and she thinks my coping strategies are healthy enough for me to live like this FOREVER.

It makes me want to cancel my referral and just keep on dealing with my shit in my own way. Why? Because I don't have any goals. I am not going to kid myself that 'hitting a target weight' is going to be one of my goals. I will not go hop, skip and jumping down the unit corridor motivated to gain weight. I just can't see it. Not is a destructive way, I am not losing, nor bothered about losing. I just really have not got the motivation to do that.

When people ask me, therapist, friends and family, "don't you want to be able to eat X or do Y or believe Z"....well no, I don't really care too much for XY or Z to be honest with you.  I have never enjoyed food, it's since the day dot for me, been functional. I am not a 'foodie' and never will be. 

What I do wish I could work on is believing that I am okay, that I am not ugly or annoying or not good enough. I wish I believed that I don't need to micro-control every part of my life. But more than anything my goal is to know my goals I guess. 

Looking back and thinking forwards

I'm not sure how to explain how it felt walking back to the eating disorders unit on Thursday, I actually made a 'Ughh' noise out loud heading up the driveway towards the outpatient department. Loud enough to wonder if anyone had heard me. It was a completely mixed set of emotions.

In some respects it felt familiar, like going back somewhere steeped in memories would, but in other ways it felt much more clinical and cold than before. I felt out of place and disappointed in myself. I didn't like how even knowing I was going there made anorexia louder, in a 'pride' sort of way. I didn't like that volume. Despite the residue of my eating disorder, I wouldn't say it was a voice which out-shouted my own for the past 18 months. I've been louder, which is why I've made the progress I have done thus far. 

My assessment was with a Dr. I'd not seen at all before, but whom I knew of. She also knew of me. 

I was weighed, measured, attacked by the vampire and had an ECG. The latter was fine, the bloods are pending, I seem to have shrunk 2cm in 2 year and my weight was higher than it was Saturday and lower than the last time they weighed me. 

Too low for them to be happy with. But not low enough to ring alarm bells. A BMI they're not happy with, a BMI which means I have been offered treatment. But I don't think it's my BMI which they're mostly concerned with. The lack of periods is one thing they're keen to change, as is my thinking about myself and  the food rules I still live by. 

It was a lot of the old questionnaires about self esteem, thinking, mood and emotion - the clinical side of things - and the therapy admin. We spoke at length about the care I'd had before - and how the service had changed since. Those people who have followed my blog from Day 1 will know that I have never defined the 'type' of therapy I had. Because I was never told. I ended up with a miss-match cobbled together careplan with no clear 'type' of therapy, no clear boundaries and no one style of work. That was partly because of the faults in the EDU, partly to do with my emergency admission in 2011, and my refusal for IP care, but need for serious support and finally, a little do with my quick move back to work - and ability to NOT focus on therapy. 

Things have changed. I have now been given two options. A course of CBT-E, with hardcore weight-gain, 20 sessions twice weekly and then 20 more one a week. With a focus on weight restoration, weigh-ins every session and then therapy to deal with all the anxiety OR CAT (cognitive analytical therapy) with an expectation but not a focus on WR, dealing with WHY I still think certain ways. Either 16,20 or 32 sessions. Obviously, the first is the one which is clinical proven to help anorexia best - the latter, a good option too. With the amount I have going on in my life, the latter is looking 80/20 most likely for me to go with. Plus, let's not bullshit. I'd be terrified of the first, but also, I have to keep my main focus on work and life. 

The one comment Dr. W made was "I think you owe it to yourself to finish off recovery"...and she's right. For as recovered as I am, I am not free. But what is hard to comprehend is being back there and not feeling like I belong. Being back there at all.  Although what is near-on impossible to get my head round and answer was the parting questions raised...."What do YOU want to get from going back? What purpose do my eating rules serve and am I willing to give therapy another go." 

Who knows? Probably. Maybe? Yes?

The drugs don't work...

...they just make you worse? Or do they?

Do they or don't they? Well, I've harked on about them not working for the last two decades. Adamant that I'd never pop a pill for helping take the edge off anxiety. That there was nothing I couldn't face with a positive mind and pushed on by a fear of failing. No, the latter isn't the most constructive coping strategy. 

But more recently I'm spending more time contemplating reaching for the medicine cabinet.

What I've started to realise in the year since leaving specialist treatment for anorexia is just how much anxiety still affects me. Even when I am in a great mood and things are going well, I worry, a lot. Whether it's about little things I've said or done at work, who I might have upset at home, whether I am a good enough girlfriend, sister, daughter. I get anxious at the thought of being 'too busy' and worry about wasting days and feeling lazy. Or more generally, I just worry about the future. The 'Big Picture'. 

It's not an unwillingness to change my mindset or embrace talking therapies, embracing EDU-specific CBT and Mindfulness saved my life after all. I understand my mental heath issues, the triggers and thanks to the said therapy,  I have the tools to get through life on a day-to-day basis. I've overcome the worse anorexia could throw at me. 

Sometimes though, it all still ticks away in my mind. Overthinking, worrying, stress, doubt, fear. About nothing and everything at the same time. Not in an overwhelming way, I don't have panic attacks anymore. I can control the waves of worry. But it's really fucking hard sometimes. Mrs W. used to say to me that some of my core beliefs are so tangled up and deep-rooted that she was worried about my ability to beat anorexia at all.

On the flip-side, I do worry that by going to the GP and talking through medication, I've somehow failed at therapy, that my therapists failed me, that it means I haven't tried enough to change. I also worry about a certain 'weight gain' side effect. But also more messed up. I am BAD at taking medication generally, like not starting a medication to help my period return that was given six (maybe nine) months ago. So will I ever actually take it? 

I just feel I am all-therapied-out through if I am honest. Like a friend who's going through something similar said to me, maybe it is down to chemistry now. So maybe accepting I need to pop a pill is worth a try? To take the edge off the anxiety - and maybe it's what's holding me back in full recovery?

Why? (Oh...right)

Why now? Why have I decided to leave rigid rules behind, to move away from meal plans and to just accept that I've got to gain ALL the weight back if I'm to fully recovery? Why after three years of hating numbers am I now just going with it, why after three years in recovery am I starting to allow my body to dictate what I eat? Why now am I finding myself planning to eat out, and heaven forbid enjoy it?

Why? 

Well, Dr. B made a good ol' point during my last session. Maybe it's because therapy is working.

Not on a concious CBT level, that came along a while ago and I knew the actions I needed to take to change habits. But on a deeper level, one I DON'T control.

I felt a little embarrassed after nodding in agreement with Dr B's suggestion that with out me even realising THERAPY is ACTUALLY WORKING, after all, I guess that's the whole point of him seeing me every week. He's doing his job and doing it well it would seem.

I've always been so caught up in trying to understand anorexia, trying to control my thoughts, really trying to get to grips and question why I do (or don't do) things. Since starting treatment I've always asked why I am able to push myself to recover some days and other days give in. I've wanted to understand guilt, pride, motivation and inertia too. However, now, maybe just maybe, I need to accept the idea that I won't always know why. It just is. 

If I spend too long thinking about it, I hate that I am eating more, I hate the flexibility and I still don't like my body, I REALLY don't like the way my clothes feel. But you know what, I am more accepting of the fact that I just need to grin and bear it to get where I need to be. 

I basically, need to stop asking WHY I can do things and just get on with leaving anorexia behind. 

Same time, same place...different thinking

It's been a normal 'Therapy Friday', the same appointment, same place, a date with the scales. All pretty standard stuff. 

Although this morning I started by not putting on the radio or turning on my music. I started with breakfast reading a chapter of Jenni Schafter's 'awesome book, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me' then picking up my notepad and doing some thinking to get in the recovery zone.

Maybe it's this sequence of events, really taking time to NOT think about things, but try to FEEL my 'truth' that meant when I got on the scales and I'd put on a big-ish chunk of weight, I was sort of okay with it. 

I have spent a week being more honest, not trying to convince myself I can cut corners and make 'no big deal' restrictions and hope that I'm still considered 'in recovery.' Gosh, on some days I've even added extra and felt like it was the right thing to do. This hasn't happened for a while. 

Then I walked to the EDU in the sunshine, read a newspaper article about my shortlisting for a Beat Volunteer award for my campaigning, took off my sunglasses and rocked on in to Dr B's room. 

The session started out like most have recently, me not really feeling the 'Hurrah, go weight gain, go' vibes. Feeling rather numb to it all. Wondering why it's ME who has to gain weight, wondering why it's me that thinks too much...WHY ME? You get my drift....

But then half way through, and after some mental prodding from Dr B. something pinged in my head. (I won't transcribe the entire session, and I can't remember all of it) But something occurred to me, made sense. Just felt right. Suddenly he (we were) right. 

We've been working on thoughts about why gaining weight is the right thing to do, obviously my head usually screams are you MAD, of course it's not. But today, I swallowed hard and had to agree, that gaining weight could actually be right for me, right now. 

There are a zillion reasons why I KNOW I SHOULD believe it's the right thing, I could reel those off to you. But today I felt different, I felt lifted, empowered and I opened my eyes to the possibility that it REALLY is, that I feel like it's the right thing to do. Why? 

Because deep down I know everyone is right. I am right. But I am spending my days arguing with reality. But I am sick of not being at peace. Sick of being tied up trying to suss out a way of not being a healthy weight and being recovered. I want to be an inspiration, but I can't do that when I'm not at peace in my own mind. I realised that Dr B was right.

I have the potential to change so much more in this world than my weight, by changing my thoughts about weight gain. By finding my peace. By putting on my big girl pants and making it happen.

I'm not really sure where to park these thoughts tonight. I want to make it make sense to you all, to the world. I want this to be the most ground breaking post I've written - it's not any of that.  But something felt good today.

Obviously me being me also questions where this blast of positivity and motivation has come from, I'm suspicious and I dread it stopping. Why does this suddenly feel different?

But right now, I'm willing to just go with it. Because maybe, just maybe, he's right.

Mindfulness, balloons and tangled thoughts

I've always struggled with mindfulness therapies, often finding it hard to 'switch off' and 'be present'. In the past it's almost been like mindfulness makes it worse. It's sometimes opened up a gap for Ana to creep in. Even convincing me I'm not good enough at mindfulness. 

But one of Dr B's approaches is a little bit different. It's called 'mindful inquiry' (he uses a technique called 'The Work' by an American woman Byron Katie) and I'm finding it useful in untangling thoughts and beliefs I've held on to for a VERY long time. 

I like it because it makes me REALLY think about the recordings on my inner mixtape. The broken record making me ill. Are these thoughts REALLY true? Can I prove it? Like REALLY prove it?

I actually feel like it's slowly combing out my tangled thinking.

So, in therapy this week we were talking about a specific belief that causes me a lot of pain and something central to me developing anorexia. It's a belief I've always carried with me for as long as I can recall. One that's become tangled up in so many areas of my life. One I've accepted as truth. 

Okay, so I admit, I am guilty of taking thoughts and making them my truth. Holding on to them, tightly, especially if they prove my own theory that 'I'm not good enough' (at anything) As Mrs W used to say, despite all evidence to the contrary 'all roads lead to Rome' with my thoughts. 

But what if all these thoughts were just balloons? 

I wasn't born holding any balloons, well, at least I presume I wasn't. 

So somewhere along the line I've caught hold of these 'thought balloons' and held on to them. I've felt like I needed them, even when people have suggested they're not a good idea. I know where a few of the balloons have come from, but others, I don't have a clue. 

We all have so many balloons float past our heads, every second of every day. Everyone does, but they only stick with us if we hold on to the string.

I've been holding on to some of my balloons for so long, adding more, trying to let go of others. They've become tangled, tied tightly around my wrist.

The thoughts began to control me, carry me along, whisking me away. 

People have been shouting LET GO for years. 

But it's not that easy. Even if I try letting go of one, it's knotted with another. I know I need to untangle them first. 

That's what I feel therapy is doing for me. It's helping me untie the strings from my wrists, so that I CAN let go of the balloons controlling me and the direction I go. 

After all, I can't fully enjoy life holding on to all these balloons. 

Maybe this makes no sense to anyone else BUT me, but I know my balloons are labelled with 'Not Good Enough' 'You're Fat' 'You could have done better' 'You're not healthy enough' 'You could be fitter' 'You're not as thin as them' 'You're greedy' and so the list goes on... But they're all thoughts that aren't much fun to carry around any more. Trust me.

What Dr. B and Byron Katie's 'Mindful Inquiry' is helping ME do, is identify the balloons I really need to cut from my wrists and questioning how helpful they are and where I picked them up from in the first place. 

I've then got to be brave enough to let go and hope they whisk Ana off instead. Hope she'll chase after the balloons, instead of me. But It's only me that can release them.

It's also building the reassurance that even if these balloon float near by, because I'm now aware of them, I can choose to grab hold, but trust me, I'm done with these balloons, especially if they bring Ana back with them.

NOTES:
Byron Katie's book 'Loving What Is' is helping me alongside the work I'm doing with Dr. B. You can get it on Kindle or order from Amazon if you fancy trying it too. Like I said, I've struggled with mindfulness before, but this makes sense to me. She's also on Twitter @ByronKatie

Turning the page

A new chapter in my recovery starts this week and like with some of the chapters I've already read, I don't feel ready to turn the page. 

But if I had waited until I was ready to pick up the book, I doubt I'd even be here.

I survived opening the cover, so surely starting a new chapter will be okay? 

Wishful thinking I know. There are some pages in recovery from anorexia I disliked the thought of, pages I wanted to skip, but had expected and had semi-prepared for; Weight restoration. Honesty. Medical bits and bobs. Meal Plans. Calorie Increases to name a few. But this next bit is different. It's harder to read.

Why? It involves saying goodbye to the woman who's helped me turn the pages so far. The woman who picked the book off the shelf and read the first few chapters for me. The person who dragged me kicking and screaming, until I was ready to hold the book and start reading myself. 

This week's about new turning pages, letting go and saying hello.

I'm changing therapists. 

I've known for a few months that this was coming, we've done some work on preparing me to turn the page. Although, I've done a very good job at keeping out the thoughts, digging my head in the sand and pretending that this week would never happen. That she'd keep reading with me. But it just got real, she's leaving.

It's up to me to keep on turning pages. To carry on reading.

I need to remember that starting a new chapter doesn't mean I'll forget what I've already read. There's no way I'd understand the pages to come, without having read the ones I've already read. Getting my head around the plot with Mrs W. has been essential for me to understand the rest of the book. 

I've been extremely lucky to have found a therapist who 'gets me', who works with me, who understands the way I work, who I like, respect and (sometimes) enjoy reading with. Someone over the last two years who's seen me cry, smile, laugh and scream. But I know I'm lucky to have the other characters I have in my EDU team, to still be working with my dietician and to already know my new therapist. I know not many people are this fortunate.

I've kept this in mind when thinking logically about this change. There are other people who have helped me get my head around this book so far. And although it doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye to someone who knows me inside out, to someone who's saved me, maybe I need this unplanned change to help me keep reading. I have been on this page a while.  

And as hard as this week is going to be, I will keep reading. 

You never know, if I give it time, accept the story is changing and keep up with the plot that's being uncovered, it might just start making sense. 

This is where Dr B will be able to introduce me to the next chapter and fill in any gaps in the plot. He'll help me get my head around the next few chapters. 

Eventually, I will finish it. I will close the back cover and I will put it on the shelf. For good.

And when I do finish it, Mrs W. will be the first person I call to tell. I'll let her know that the recovery book's waiting for someone else.

After all, she's the one who opened the cover for me. Without her, I wouldn't have found the recovery book on the shelf at all, let alone started reading it. Properly. 

...and for the record, this was one hell of a book recommendation. 

You should try it. 

Am I Resting on These 'Safe' Laurels?

Wow, it's been a while. 

I've been stepping away from 'recovery blogging' and spending time 'life blogging' instead, in an attempt to LIVE life, not live my recovery. It's been emotional, it's been rocky, it's been positive, but it's also been rather confusing and frustrating. 

It's that awkward stage of recovery I was warned about, that one in which I could get stuck. 

I'm at the stage where I am starting to rebuild parts of my life I lost at my most ill, at Ana's strongest, and it feels good. I am in my new apartment, I am sticking to my MP, my weight is 'stable' and *just* in a healthy BMI again and I have registered self-employed and picking up freelance work. All positive right? And all rather safe at the same time. 

Food, is stable - but 'safe' and not close to 'normal'.

Weight, is stable - but not where it needs to be. 
Health, is, well, my body still doesn't love me. 

Life, is, well, not good enough. (for me) 

Body, is again, not good enough (for me)

In those brackets one could be mistaken for translating ME into ANA. This is the problem. 

I could get stuck here. I realise that. It's still so frustrating and confusing and I am starting to realise that rebuilding other areas of my life might take the emphasis OFF my eating disorder, but it wont take it away. Nor will filling my time up (again) with other things stop the anorexic thoughts. 

I am still going to need to work HARD on these and not just sit back and realise that okay,  Ana and I are not BFFs any more that makes life easier, but I can't even have her in my circle of friends. I need to accept I need to get rid of her, its only me that can delete her from my friends, erase her number and block her calls.

I need to keep moving forward to get a real balance in my life. Because it always comes back to food and body. It always comes back to anorexia.

That's the problem with sneaky little Ana though isn't it, she never leaves you alone and find new ways to get an invite to the party. After warnings that my team are about to give me a kick up the bum and throw new challenges my way, I've been thinking.  I was reading back through my blog posts in October 2011 to find posts to support a friend with her first 'recovery jumps' and read this: 

"This is a habit I have gotten into, challenging Ana with one thing, then restricting because I have already challenged her and I back off and keep her happy. I am becoming more and more aware of this each time I go through my food diaries with my dietitian. Meal by meal or day by day, it's the same habit. I think this is the first step – being AWARE of the thoughts and who is driving them, the step I need to take now is ACTING on them."

I'm afraid to say, this is still a problem. For every time I challenge myself, I find away to jump to safety and it's not helping my recovery. I eat, I enjoy eating, I am freer, food is not really the problem anymore, or is it? Am I using it as a safety blanket to cover up the hurt and thoughts the next stage of recovery is throwing at me?

Subtle, stable and safe, but just as detrimental to a full recovery. Bring on the kicking....because this bitch is still keeping me down. 

What's this 'Identity' thing you talk about?

I dip in and out of watching recovery videos, and when I do, they're usually from the girls on We Are FreEDom Fighters watched a really powerful one recently which provoked positive thoughts. 

It was a powerful message about identity and something that I hadn’t really got my head around before. And it sparked this reaction in me....

..I’ve let go of some parts of AN but now I need to LET GO of even more of what I AM NOT and embrace the possibilities of what I CAN be, even if I am unsure of that that is at the moment.”

I just wish it was easier to do in reality, because it seems to make sense on paper, when I watch and comment, in this moment, but not generally in life.

But I do find that sometimes that I find hearing other people talk about their recovery and finding THEIR IDENTITY sparks awareness for me and the times that I comment as soon as I’ve watched something inspirational ends up making sense.

Jenn’s video tonight sort of reminded me that it is ok to be confused and not know what makes me, me but... If I keep hold of any part of Ana, I’ll never be able to know who SARAH really is, what I really like and what I REALLY want.

The problem here is, that it all sounds lovely and fine until I just go back to the BUTS.... “BUT ITS NOT FAIR” that I don’t have body, I want it’s not fair that I am not naturally thin and I wish that my identity was different, that my identity didn't like junk foods and I wish my identity was better.  SIGH. ....Hello there Ana, right?

I suppose it’s work in progress. Bear with me here.

Maybe you should watch Jenn's video and see if it sparks you to think about your identity too? 

I also think you should check out Arielle's videos on IDENTITY too - her words always inspire me. 

Body Checks: The New Calorie Counting

Body image, BDD, weight restoration, hatred of 'hippo pictures'......there seems to be a new theme of posts appearing that are moving away from the eating, from the calories and from the food.

This is another layer of my eating disorder being stripped bare and laid out for me to try and get my head round. Hang in there with me, I'm warning you, this one could take a while.........

So, I was sat in my therapist's office on Friday, holding my favourite pink cushion to my stomach, legs twisted and crossed up a blanket (it was EVEN cold on the ward, yes!) and sitting with my arm crossed across my chest, holding on to my cold, hard shoulder bone, you know checking it was still there.

I was brought out of my, "is there more fat on this, do my thighs look chubby today, I can feel my stomach fat, my leggings are digging in" thoughts by Mrs W announcing that she was going to start some work on 'BODY IMAGE' with me to work on my BDD and resistance to weight restoration.

Starting with telling me about the new 'Body Check' journal I have to keep.

Me? Body Check? I automatically wondered why I was having to do that "I don't do that, I don't body check" Unless of course, she's talking about taking pictures of my body or obsessing about old pictures or poking my fat stomach? Oh, those body checks. Right, here goes...

I suppose it was easier to ignore or not notice the checking and my body in general as much when my preoccupation was fully on food and calories. But recently, as my MPs are settling in, and food is out of my control, as I am gaining weight,  these body thoughts are creeping in more and more...they warned me. 

It just shows my inability to think about anything else to do with my ED when I was still restricting, when my whole life was consumed with the eating side of anorexia, the calories, the portions, the scales, the weighing of food, the starving. When I thought I wasn’t REALLY AN, it ‘was just about the food’ that I am just being a fussy eater.  I am realising now, it might not be that, I might be AN! It also reminds me how deep rooted these thoughts are. This plus the general confidence and body image side of things has taken priority over every other single aspect of my life. 

Realistically, the body checking started a LONG time BEFORE the starvation, it's these checks that led me to 'give in' and listen to my ED thoughts and change what I was checking. Am I just vain? Do vain people do this? Why do I do this? (I'd like to add here that I think this is where people think AN sufffers are just self obbsessed and vain and that is all it is - I don't think they consider that we use this as ammunition to HATE ourselves and drive me to starve)  I have always poked, prodded, taken photos to beat myself up about, spent hours, days even, in front of the mirror, hating every inch of my fat, ugly, disguising body. Hours of my life spent in the gym, in the swimming pool, distracted all the time by my fat. Self hate is so deep rooted in me that I don't even know what I look like any more. I have called myself a barrel, podgeo and a hippo for as long as I remember - and ALWAYS CHECKED for the bits of my body that confirm these nicknames. I still do. 

Now in recovery, after destroying my body to stop these daily, hourly, minute by minute checks I am worried about how much is going to come out from this body checking diary thing because today I haven’t recorded it all but it's constant. 

Every time I go to the toilet I hold my stomach and hope it goes down when I pee. I poke my belly and look at my fat belly button and when I pull my leggings or jeans back up I look at how my stomach looks In what I am wearing. I check my hip bones, front and back, I spin around to check how my butt is growing. When I am talking to friends or in sessions I cover my stomach with cushions and clothes and play with my shoulders and collar bone more than I realised I do. I notice when I was sat in Costa that I often sit up straight and feel my spine and hip bones from the back and although I said to Mrs. W that I didn’t think my legs bothered me I noticed how much I touch my knees and feel the tendons and ligaments behind the knee a lot and obsess with out my thighs look all squished and fat when I'm sitting down.

I also need to be HONEST with myself here, because I feel guilty because I know I take more picture’s of my body than I let on to Mrs. W too. It might not be a lot compared to how many I used to take when I was losing weight, but I know I take more pictures that other people probably do. To ‘check’ what I look like. But I suppose more than that I spend a long time looking back at old photographs, ones I took of myself specifically because of my ED, for my own thinspro for my ED and weight loss and also looking at pictures of days out before and during losing weight to try and figure out what I think about my body.

To put it in perspective, I don’t actually have enough space in my journal or time to write them all down. To write how often I look at my stomach, or glance in the mirror and tell myself I look awful and ugly or think about how thin my hair looks, the condition of my skin all my fat and everything. Every time I look in the mirror I give myself some sort of grief about how I look or I worry about how I look. Too fat but too ill as well and you know, not perfect. NBD right?

It's these new NBD moments of checking my body, always, always the bits I hate the most, which keep the spiral of self-hate alive. They are the NBD moments that make gaining weight scary, they are the checks that my ED drives my to do. They are the check, the preoccupation and the obbsession which should tell me I'm still battling AN, despite eating. The Body Check NBDs are the biggest NBDs now and this is where the real hard work starts. 

Anyway, I need to remember that every time I go looking for the bits I hate I figure out the same thing, I hate it. Not really a productive way to spend my life is it? I know the answer. 

"Yeah, But...."

“You can’t move on to the next chapter until you stop re-reading the last one over and over” ..."Yeah, but..."

It’s something I do and say a lot.

Okay so looking back for a moment,  I lost weight last week, which Ana loved but this week I gained and it’s fairly obvious that Ana really doesn’t like this little stat! I am not excited by it to be honest although I probably should be? I can just about accept it (if I don’t think too much about it) I can accept that it NEEDS to happen. But it is another one of those ‘grey areas’ that I need to embrace. 

It’s NOT going to feel amazing to get better, to gain weight nor will I always feel horrified by it now I am in recovery. It’s not going to be perfect either, but it DOESN’T need to be. It won’t ever be.

I wish I knew how to describe how it feels when I ‘do well’ in recovery. I don’t know how it feels and I can’t define it as good or bad, it’s so strange and I hate that I can’t put my finger on the feeling, its one those ‘grey’ moments I despise. I get this indescribable reaction in my head when someone says: “Sarah your diet is nearly back to normal isn’t that great” I can feel myself thinking, NO, please NO, and the ‘Yeah, but..’ comes in to play.

I guess it is Ana trying to tell me she’d spend so much time and effort making me ‘different’ and ‘better’ than them and now I am going to be the same, eat the same, look the same? She wants me to believe that I need to be more ‘in control’ of my diet than everyone else. I also get the same feeling when people tell me that my ‘face looks so much better now’ and that my hair looks healthier and my eyes more sparkly again. I should LOVE comments like this right? They mean my body is awakening again, I am getting healthier. But no, Ana is constantly trying to creep in to my thoughts, she wants me to hate myself, hate being healthy, the same as ‘them’, worse than others, fat and she hates that I am taking steps away from her and shutting her up. She makes me look for the “YEAH, BUT…” in every compliment, accomplishment or recovery challenge I complete. I need to remain aware that the “Yeah, but..” I think is my eating disorder’s way of getting in to my thoughts and her way to control my mind-set. It is a new technique Ana has developed now she doesn’t always have a say over my food.

I think I also use the “Yeah, but” comments I make on a daily basis also act as a CRY or plea to the people around me  to remember that I am eating  now, but for them to not expect too much from me, to remember that I am still struggling on the inside. That I am still suffering, even though I am eating. I still have to fight the urge to remind people I am quite literally eating ten times more that I was three months ago. I need to stop this negative ‘backwards’ thinking and comparing. Ms F. suggested, try saying “Yes, I am eating my meal plan food, it’s hard but I am trying hard to recover too, thank you” every time I feel a YEAH BUT popping up when talking about food, hunger or portion size.

I need to remember that I don’t need to justify or ‘Yeah, but..” anything or feel guilty for doing well or for fighting this eating disorder, because it’s all I can do right now. The one thing is really can’t fall for is feeling Ana’s guilt, when it is listening to her that has caused this in the first place. I should NOT have to look for the negatives in my recovery to soothe her. Every time I look for them and refuse to accept people’s help or complement it is me soothing my eating disorder. Every time I SOOTHE I am not SOLVING it. 

Time to be a little more forward thinking I think...no 'Yeah. buts...' allowed

My Body NEEDS Christmas...

...it's excited, it's starting to wake up and act like a child at Christmas. A child that's been waiting for so long for the love, magic and excitement of Christmas Day, that they don't want it to end, ever...

This is the only way I can cope with the new bag of feelings being emptied in my head right now, but it's a festive way of coping at least!

A common theme in all of my therapy sessions and dietician appointments is always my fear of feeling greedy, gluttonous, out of control with food and with feeling hunger. In reality I have never been out of control with food - I just live in fear that I 'could be' or it might happen if I let my guard down. Obviously in the past Ana has been able to convince me I was right. That these were bad and acting on hunger = fat.

Now at a point in my recovery where I am on meal plans. Meal plans which get more substantial week by week because I haven't been able to restore (or maintain) any weight so far. Meals plans designed for weight restoration, for health restoration and meal plans that I don't DARE add up the calories of. But meals plans I TRUST are going to help me win. However,  I am still faced with all these feelings, her voice and a whole new set of emotions each time I eat.

"Of course, it's going to FEEL like you're overeating, you're eating 10x more food (and calories) than you were 6 months ago."

and my dietician is right...I am. So comparatively I am eating lots, I will FEEL greedy and I will have moments when I feel like I 'don't need all this food' and tell myself "I survived without it didn't I?" 

But that's the difference. My body was SURVIVING (just) and not actually LIVING. Which is why it's so excitable now. A child can survive without Christmas, true, but it's so much better when they can truly enjoy it and feel the magic! 

My body gets excited each time I eat. It's like each mouthful and each extra snack I have or each challenge I complete. It's like my body skips around like a 5 year old given too much fizzy drink at a birthday party. I need to embrace these moments, I need to think positively about them. I need to keep them coming. 

Realistically and scientifically I need to remember that my body is waking up, it's taking each bit of energy, each calorie, each bite from everything I eat and putting it to work. Fixing my liver, repairing my bones, building muscle and yes, adding fat (to keep me warm right?) so if I accept the state my body is in (see the 'denial' paragraph!) then it's kind of obvious that the food I'm putting in has a lot of work to be doing!

It also means that even though I am eating what sometimes feels like a day-long-eat-a-thon to me, I might still feel that ever-dreaded 'H' word, Hungry. I still struggle with the fact I shouldn't feel hungry and that feeling hungry EVEN though I've eaten more, leads to greed, which leads to fat. and Ta Da, Ana jumps in. 

But like a friend on Twitter pointed out this morning when eating more ReadyBrek than last week felt easier than Ana said it should, like I'd eaten TOO much, that I didn't NEED to increase;  "Remember, she'd say anything was too much - proof that she lies" very wise words don't you think? 

Which brings me to a common theme. Denial - see 'Ana Says I'm Faking It'  ....Ana still leads me to believe, if I was REALLY anorexic, I'd find it hard to finish each meal. If I was REALLY anorexic that I'd ignore hunger and look at calories. Oh, the denial right? I should be wise enough to believe that I am am REALLY anorexic, but an anorexic who's chosen recovery. This doesn't mean I am NOT anorexic. 

My body lives in fear that I will stop feeding it again. It is scared that it if doesn't act, doesn't speak up and tell me it NEEDS more, I won't bother. It's worried that if it doesn't keep getting food whilst it can that it will stop living again. I need to stop underestimating the intelligence of this lump of mass I have here, because it's pretty smart, it remembers. I just hope it forgives too! 

It's like a child at Christmas, excited all of December, for that one magical day, it's can't wait. Then when it comes, they never want it to end, worried life will never be that magical again. But it will be, next time. I just need to make sure my body knows that it happens with every meal, not once a year...!

The excitement on Xmas eve, I remember it well!

VBDs are the new NBDs...

Right, I need to sort it out. It’s been FAR too easy to accept these ‘no big deal’ slips over the last few days. It’s NOT okay that I avoided the Starbucks coffee, not acceptable that I knew I was able to pull the wool over my friend's eyes because she didn’t know the difference in my head between a Costa coffee and a Starbucks (Yes, the difference is 50 calories!) It is also not okay that I didn’t have a 200+ calorie cereal bar for a snack, when I know too well that my dietician and I discussed that it HAD to be over 200. It’s definitely NOT okay that I skipped supper last night either.

Ana was super quick to get in there and I know it.Truth be told, it totally made me feel better after all the stress of the family, the bloated and fat feeling was squished a little. I let her ‘soothe’ my anxiety like a fool. I fell back to her for that little bit of support because my Mum was in bed and I knew I could. 

I am disappointed. It is such a snowball effect from keeping close company with Ana this week, not full on company, not isolating or destructive company, but 'just enough' to snowball. 

The little ‘no big deals’ add up. Like weighing my food and counting and skipping higher-calorie options, like walking too much, like keeping more active then I am meant to, like putting one less spoon of porridge in my bowl...no biggy right?

It frustrates me how easy it is to let her soothe all those worries away sometimes though. I give her little bits of control here and there and she finds ways to get under my skin and tally up the ‘no big deals’ It’s scary how she can help me pull the wool over some people’s eyes, use their lack of understanding and ignorance to her advantage. These 'no big deals' are the reason I have been so slow in starting any sort of weight restoration and why my liver has been in deterioration. So, they are big deals aren't they? 

I need to be stronger than this, I need to stop kidding myself that I am stronger than her and I need to remember that letting her soothe anxieties means I will be stuck with the bitch for A LOT longer, for an even more tedious and torturous journey.

I keep trying to keep reminding myself that I am going to feel like this feel fat and feel like my stomach looks huge and round and flabby at the moment as my body changes. As my body soaks up the nutrition and goodness I am putting back in it.  I am going to feel full. I am going to be hungry and stuff all at the same time. I am going to crave food or hate food. But I need to remember that  I WONT feel like this forever.

 I need to trust my team on that one because I still can’t see past the weight gains, the fat, and the upward numbers or past my body not being what I want. But more than anything right now, I need to remember that NO BIG DEALS ARE VERY BIG DEALS in recovery. I need to be honest and tell my team about ALL of these moment and put strategies in place to fight them. Everytime.

From now on any moments I find the urge to give in to Ana, those NO BIG DEAL moments have to be quickly transformed in to VERY BIG DEAL moments and I need to act there and then on the switch. Not afterwards, but in the moment.

Counting Calories...

A journal entry I wanted to share highlighting that even with my new food plans I am STILL trying to battle the urges and compulsions to add everything up..all the time.

"I need to remember I need to STOP COUNTING THE CALORIES. Although, if I am honest with myself, I am still having a lot of trouble remembering that.

I am also struggling to not worry that by not counting the calories in everything that It will mean that I will completely OVER eat and get huge. I feel like I SHOULD BE counting calories and totting them up and knowing how many I have eaten at any given moment. To me this feels normal, it feels like it should happen and is just the way eating goes. You know what you've had and how much it is. 

The problem is that NOT knowing feels so weird and alien to me and I really can’t get my head round that. I feel sort of irresponsible and out of control not knowing. I need to rewire my brain thought because I need to not care, because for as long as I care this much about the exact calories Ana is going to be listening and watching and waiting just around the corner to trip me up when I have ‘eaten too much’ and praise me for ‘eating too little’

I know I need to trust that Ms. F hasn’t given me a zillion calories to consume per day, although it feels like it. I need to trust that she is in fact giving me enough to restore my health, my liver function and yes, my weight. Her and Mrs W. just want me to get BETTER and RECOVER. 

I just can’t help stressing though because I am, in black and white, eating A LOT more than before, even a lot more than two weeks ago. BUT I NEED TO. I am not on a bloody diet any more, I am not meant to have the purpose of maintaining or losing weight, I am not restricting for Ana anymore. I need to not ‘watch’ what I eat to lose a few pounds; I don’t need to eat to look healthy. I need to embrace recovery and get a grip. 

Life is not a diet any more."

Dearest Body...

Dearest Body,

I know we have never really gotten on have we? I have always given you such a hard time about the way you look on the outside and hated that you wouldn't change for me in an instant.

You have NEVER been good enough for me, never met my high standards and perfect criteria. I have wanted to trade you in so many times over the last 20 years.

I have always bitched about you, poked, prodded and grabbed you, called you names and demanded an upgrade to a better, more perfect, desired model.

But the thing I am sorry about now though is never acknowledging what a good job you were doing on the inside. You really were doing a good job of keeping me healthy weren't you? Despite me not always giving you the high quality nutrition you deserve.

In my efforts to transform you in to some sort of perfection I thought I'd be happy with, I have messed that up though haven't I?

You're obviously having a hard time coping at the moment, I can tell. But I am really, really sorry and I am trying my hardest to sort that out for us.

I promise I will try and begin to accept you for you. I will start to take better care of you, without taking advice from Ana. I hope one day we can be friends, I really do.

Love, S x

POEM: It's Always Been You

A poem I have written recently about accepting how long I've heard Ana, how long I have be a slave to our 'friendship' and about being AWARE of her voice, as a way of separating myself from her. 

It’s you, it’s always been you

Inside my brain

Making me compare

Causing my pain

The frustration inside

The signs

The symptoms

The thoughts

It's you isn't it?

That makes me compare

That tells me I'm know good

That knife in the back

I thought you understood

The guilt

The shame

The food

The blame

It's always been you

Hearing your voice

Listening

That's not new.

The way you attack

Your plan for me

You waited so long

For them to see.

My need for perfection

My desire for control

Your need for power

My weakened soul

My dreams and life

You rip in two

And to Think I believed

And put my trust in you

New Month, New Approach

WOW. Honesty has been OOZING out of me today. It's tough, I get these pangs of guilt to Ana, but that's what I NEED to do. I have 'snitched' on her a lot today and that's what I am going to keep doing, until she no longer TRUSTS me!

I have also taken a MASSIVE leap, jump, skip, run today and put ALL my trust in my recovery team. I SUGGESTED, yes I SUGGESTED that I now need the meal plans they've been hinted at.

I decided that Ana was all too often creeping in on my meal choices, my choice to miss snacks and cut corners with calories and generally making meal time choices a nightmare. Not anymore.

Ms F. and I have worked out all my meals, snacks and suppers until next week and I HAVE to complete the whole lot. There are days I am already terrified about, I know there will be times when Ana gives me massive conflicts and REALLY has a go, but there is NOTHING she can do to alter the food I eat.

I'll now be able to 'agree and disobey' and hopefully 'disagree and disobey' her and I will be able to breakdown the conversations I have with Ana over food, without it affecting my calories/choices and meals.

One of my major problems is seeing food as 'good and bad' and 'healthy and unhealthy' and life in general as 'black and white'. Something I need to change during recovery to enable me to embrace the grey areas, but for now, this meal plan is black and white. That is good.

If I DON'T eat the meals or snacks Ana is winning
If I DO stick to the plan. I win.

It's going to be easy to discuss during sessions. Easy to see where I succeed and to see IF Ana succeeds and it stops Ana being able to blur my thoughts of whether I've had and good or bad week regarding food when I am asked.

Yes, It means I lose control over my meals on a day to day basis. Something I thought I'd never be able to accept, but I need to so I can beat this, so I can recover and so that control doesn't get handed over to my worst enemy, I might have mentioned her....Ana?

P.S. Day 1 of meal plans - SUCCESS! (Just need supper with my Fortisip and it'll be a full house!)

Something Feels Different..

I am not sure WHAT or WHY and finally after 3 weeks of really, really struggling I am starting to FEEL more positive about this recovery thing.

I am getting little flecks of positivity, little moments of hope and more 'lightbulb' moments than I have had since I  recognised my struggles with anorexia and finally asked for help back in May.

I am scared to be happy about this. But I need to go with it, I need to know that this is me awakening and finally getting my head round what it is I need to do to get better. It's like I am getting less scared of jumping, less scared of what will happen on the fall and becoming more able to TRUST that Mrs W, Ms F and my friends and family will be there to catch me.

One statement that came up in my session on Friday with Mrs. W. really helped, more than I can imagine.

"Think of it like this, what have you got to lose? If you restore your weight and REALLY hate it THAT much, you know you are going to be able to lose it again. You know you know how." 

Mrs. W said I should take this thought and use it as a safety net, a comfort blanket keeping me warm as I venture into the unknown.

I KNOW she's saying this, however crazy it sounds, because she is confident that I won't feel worse once I am in 'positive energy' I need to trust her confidence in me, because she must have it, she wouldn't use being 'friends' with Ana if I get scared as motivation if she didn't would she?

What I added myself was that if I DON'T try, if I don't restore weight, I will never know. But if this journey takes me to a place I really hate, and I do fall back to Ana, least I will have tried. What have I got to lose by giving it a go?


You never know, Mrs. W might just be on to something here.....

Pasta Maths...

So, like the creature of habit that I am...I have been having a specific pasta from a specific supermarket since I started eating pasta again, mainly because it seemed to be the lowest calorie and it was small tiny (made for children type) pasta so it took me longer to eat and looked like more.

Today I went to buy it – and before I picked it up I looked at the calorie content of the other wholemeal pasta and it was LOADS higher and stood there with both in my hands I wondered why.

It turn out the reason to blame is the burden of my anorexic life. Cooked vs Dry weight calorie information.

I think it is because on other pasta it is the dry weight and the one I have is the cooked weight, but I have been basing my calories on the DRY weight of the one I brought. So, basically this made me FREAK out whilst I was in the supermarket and then whilst I was walking to the bus the maths was going round and round in my head. I was desperately trying to figure out if I was right or not. I couldn’t let it go; I couldn’t stop wondering if I had totally overeaten EVERY time I have had pasta. I was ANGRY with myself for making a mistake, misreading the calorie rules, the instructions written in front of me. How could I be so stupid NOT to know the numbers?

< Cue Ana starting her usual "You are SUCH an IDIOT" song.>  

Those measurements and numbers really got to me there and then walking down the street; “so 50g dry weight would equal 100g cooked weight and 100g cooked weight would be 100 calories and other pasta dry weight 100g equals 300 calories so…..” and on and on. Then it turned into “and that means this pasta is MORE or less than the others anyway.” I suppose that fact made Ana feel a bit better. But I have NO idea of working it out and no idea how much I have actually consumed. 

Do the numbers in the pasta I've already had matter?

Then I stopped. (literally) It suddenly occurred to me that EVEN if I have eaten ten times more than I thought, or just twice as much, it hasn't made me instantly fat. I haven’t gained lots of weight because I didn't know the exact calorie content, I haven’t ballooned from not knowing exact numbers and I need to learn from this that the numbers DON’T matter, do they?

What I need to do now is FORGET the calories in that meal, forget the numbers related to the pasta. I have been happy with my portion size, measured in a little cup to the same point each time, so why change it. My initial thought was, “well next time I have pasta, I will weigh the same portion size dry and then weigh it cooked” so I can work it out. 

But what will I achieve by doing that? It would only allow Ana to criticize me for the meals I have ALREADY eaten (and enjoyed) and allow her to dictate how much pasta I’d have to sacrifice to keep the calories in the meal to what I THOUGHT they were. But the thing is, I probably still need to INCREASE the portion of pasta I have, and really, this proves that the numbers can go wrong, they aren’t always accurate and they don’t matter as much as Ana makes me believe.

Plus, I really do love pasta! Shh, don’t tell Ana!