Living by the rule book

What I was given yesterday was permission to publish version two of the anorexic rule book that I've learnt to live by. A redrafted edition.

It's not like the edition I lived by back then, not like it was before. By giving me this permission in my head -is basically stating that I am okay and can be 'content' and cope with living within the restrictions this rule book states. It's normal and okay that I still put these controls on my life. What I don't get there is that she can't see that I opened up and said the reason I can't commit to therapy fully, give my self over and burn the book - is not because I am not fed up with the way I'm living, I am. I'm too addicted to the rules and I know they hold me back. But it's about trust. I don't trust anyone at all that it can be different for me. I also need to turn pages carefully because of the commitment I have to my life too. By that I mean work, mortgage and my plans.

It's just yet more proof services take their eye off the ball when you've got a high-functioning mental illness. When you're able to read and live by anorexic rules day to day to cope with life, but when you're able to be a 'rebel' and break the rules from time to time.


It's like eating disorders services are almost relieved that one of me comes along now and then. Self aware enough to write my own rules to cope, with the awareness that going back to volume one is NOT the life I want or need. But still not being able to put the rules down.

Unable to trust myself or my body to cope without them. Worried that living without them would be too much to bear. Apparently, when I can't break the rules any more and my life is governed by them completely, that's when they'll help me put it down.

I was sat there, admitting that I still live by the rule book, still count calories, still hate my body, still hate when I break them, still control everyone and everything I can to stick to them - and still know I'd be better with help to get rid of the book - but nothing.

Apparently, It's my fault for not trusting that burning the book would be the best thing to do. Maybe I needed help lighting the match and watching the pages burn...but I don't have a light, that's why I went back, but they can't help.

So I'll keep the book under my pillow for now. I need it like in needed a security blanket as a child. After all, I am able to break the rules from time to time. So what harm does keeping the book do? Really.

Hmmm.

Life on the anorexic scale

Anorexia isn’t just ill or recovered. It is a scale. A trapping spectrum.

 Whether you are living with, managing and maintaining anorexia at a BMI* of 14 to keep you out of inpatient treatment, at 18 or at 20 with more subtle behaviours, you remain on that anorexic scale. 

To achieve FULL RECOVERY you need to be OFF that varying scale all together. This is fact. 

Therefore, I am not safe, free, recovered at all. I am on the scale and I want to get off it. 

It's only ever anorexia telling me I am not ‘as anorexic’ as the person keeping their BMI lower than me. I'm not at risk. 

It's only anorexia convincing me I'm not on the anorexic scale, because I have reduced my risks by restoring some weight and not displaying explicitly anorexic behaviours – by eating and not wanting to lose weight, but not wanting to gain either. But the cold hard truth is, I am still on that fucked up, ambivalent anorexic scale. 

*All BMI numbers are random and not used as medically specific examples.

Am I Resting on These 'Safe' Laurels?

Wow, it's been a while. 

I've been stepping away from 'recovery blogging' and spending time 'life blogging' instead, in an attempt to LIVE life, not live my recovery. It's been emotional, it's been rocky, it's been positive, but it's also been rather confusing and frustrating. 

It's that awkward stage of recovery I was warned about, that one in which I could get stuck. 

I'm at the stage where I am starting to rebuild parts of my life I lost at my most ill, at Ana's strongest, and it feels good. I am in my new apartment, I am sticking to my MP, my weight is 'stable' and *just* in a healthy BMI again and I have registered self-employed and picking up freelance work. All positive right? And all rather safe at the same time. 

Food, is stable - but 'safe' and not close to 'normal'.

Weight, is stable - but not where it needs to be. 
Health, is, well, my body still doesn't love me. 

Life, is, well, not good enough. (for me) 

Body, is again, not good enough (for me)

In those brackets one could be mistaken for translating ME into ANA. This is the problem. 

I could get stuck here. I realise that. It's still so frustrating and confusing and I am starting to realise that rebuilding other areas of my life might take the emphasis OFF my eating disorder, but it wont take it away. Nor will filling my time up (again) with other things stop the anorexic thoughts. 

I am still going to need to work HARD on these and not just sit back and realise that okay,  Ana and I are not BFFs any more that makes life easier, but I can't even have her in my circle of friends. I need to accept I need to get rid of her, its only me that can delete her from my friends, erase her number and block her calls.

I need to keep moving forward to get a real balance in my life. Because it always comes back to food and body. It always comes back to anorexia.

That's the problem with sneaky little Ana though isn't it, she never leaves you alone and find new ways to get an invite to the party. After warnings that my team are about to give me a kick up the bum and throw new challenges my way, I've been thinking.  I was reading back through my blog posts in October 2011 to find posts to support a friend with her first 'recovery jumps' and read this: 

"This is a habit I have gotten into, challenging Ana with one thing, then restricting because I have already challenged her and I back off and keep her happy. I am becoming more and more aware of this each time I go through my food diaries with my dietitian. Meal by meal or day by day, it's the same habit. I think this is the first step – being AWARE of the thoughts and who is driving them, the step I need to take now is ACTING on them."

I'm afraid to say, this is still a problem. For every time I challenge myself, I find away to jump to safety and it's not helping my recovery. I eat, I enjoy eating, I am freer, food is not really the problem anymore, or is it? Am I using it as a safety blanket to cover up the hurt and thoughts the next stage of recovery is throwing at me?

Subtle, stable and safe, but just as detrimental to a full recovery. Bring on the kicking....because this bitch is still keeping me down. 

Go on, name your price, do me a deal.

What's the price of not having to restore any more weight then? Will paying it make me happy or YOU happy. What is it that makes ME happy. I dare you to do me a deal, Ana. Let's weigh it up.

I am struggling at the moment with the WR / I don't know ME limbo / Why is it FAIR that I can't be recovered at this weight / frustration at not knowing, anything. 

So, I KNOW there is a price to pay for staying at this weight. I know there is, well there are big prices all round. So, let's add up the cost...bear with me. 

I'm not having periods, so, firstly it’s the price of not having children
It’s the price of having my own family. 

It's my health.

It’s not working, it's my career.
It’s not exercising.
It's not allowing myself to fall in love or to be loved.

It’s being left here, in limbo UNRECOVERED

It’s continuing to live a life focused on weight, food, calories.
It’s defining my happiness alongside my eating disorder’s happiness
It's forever measuring my worth in kilos on the scales.
It’s maintaining and managing my eating disorder, not beating it.
It's always eating from a MP
It's being scared
It's being CONTROLLED not IN CONTROL.

So if I don't want to pay these prices, it’s why I need to let go of ALL behaviours,  it’s why I need to stop comparing myself, my life, and my recovery. It's knowing that happiness is worth MORE than paying with these things to make Ana happy, so what's stopping me? 

It’s why, as painful as it is, I need to think LONG and HARD about what SARAH likes, wants and what makes SARAH happy. Not Ana.... Is it being scared of not knowing ME that stops me?

It’s just so had when that’s so ambiguous, when I don’t have a clue what REALLY makes SARAH happy, when the other definition of happiness is SO clear, that clear goal makes Ana’s promises seem attainable. I know her promises of happiness, success and worth are so defined on a scale, but I also know that SHE LIES,

So then, tell me,  why does it still always feel so real? Its seems easier to see it through her eyes, but I suppose that is the problem and how she pulls people back time and time again, why recovery is so hard, because giving up and not figuring out what SARAH likes is the EASY option and I am AWARE that it’s a trick because I KNOW nothing comes for free, nothing that seems that easy.

I DON’T want to live half a life or be like this forever, stuck in limbo, forever. But the part of me is terrified of being fat, ugly and a failure in REAL life. Sarah is scared. This fear teams up with Ana and making her life look desirable DESPITE me actually being aware it’s not. See the battle in my head?

I need to NOT hate this awareness as much as I do though, I need to stop resenting my awareness or drive to recover,  because as hard as it is and as horrible as it is hearing Ana and knowing they are lies, wanting to believe them, wishing they were real or the answer, its the awareness that these are LIES that is SAVING me right now. 

That, and knowing that my team WONT let Ana trick me, I am not alone trying to figure this all out. 

So...I need to stand up. And stop paying for something I know wont make me happy. I need to stop letting her in with behaviours and NBDs. I know I need to stop making deals or wishing I could stay super skinny and ‘controlled’ and watch what I eat AND be RECOVERED, because it is just not EVER going to possible, EVER. I just don’t think I can fully grasp or accept this concept yet, but I am aware I need to.

I am scared, anxious, whatever, of NOT REALLY KNOWING SARAH but knowing that until I let go of ALL of Ana, I am not giving myself the chance to know me. I need to LET GO and LET IT BE and accept I am in the process of finding out, but as painful as limbo is, I CAN’T RUSH. I just need to be.

I need to stop making deals, thinking there must be a way of paying, thinking there's some sort of 'Super Flash Sale' that's going to start that allows me the best bits of Ana for free, as a gift and a loyalty card bonus or special event, because that's not ever going to be the case....there is ALWAYS a price to pay for this weight. It's RECOVERY. It's me. 

....Confused, again!

IT IS JUST SO CONFUSING, all of it, why I am feeling something, why I don’t care other thoughts. I just don’t get any of it; really I am not sure I am MEANT to know how I feel? Is that my therapists job, to clear this mess up, figure it out? 

Confused.com

There are just TOO many thoughts to make sense of and I suppose it’s EXACTLY how NBDs confuse things MORE isn’t it? 

                      Picking and choosing when I listen and obey and when I listen, agree and disobey Ana. I just want it to make some sort of sense NOW. 

Why do I find something’s easier to do? 

Why do I want to eat things that make me hate myself?

Why don’t I just avoid them? 

Why does food make me hate myself anyway? 

Why do I enjoy these foods?

Do I enjoy these foods or THINK I enjoy them?

Am I obbsessed or excited about food?

Will this ease?

Why do I have to eat anyway? 

Why does good feel bad and bad feel good?

and Why do these thoughts spiral? Why does my weight have to go up at all, and why do I question everything? 

Who Made Recovery So Confusing?

...Real or Not Real? Hungry or Not Hungry? Controlled or Free? 

I don’t know if I am hungry or greedy, If I am right or wrong? Am I real or fake? Ill or well?  I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I am strong or weak and I don’t even know what I feel. Do I feel sick or ill or don’t I? It all feels so hard though. 

As usual, I am scared about the weigh in tomorrow; I just have this overwhelming feeling that I am going to hate it. That I have messed up my week and it’s out of control.  I don’t know what I feel, I don’t know what I have done right or wrong, I don’t know if it’s easier or harder. I just don’t know.  

I know that Ms F is going to ask me what I think I just don’t know I just feel like I am trying hard, but like I am wasting everyone’s time. I don’t know what’s up with me and I don’t have any answers. I feel like I am eating because everyone tells me I have to. I don’t even know if I enjoy it or not? Do I like food or not? Am I scared or not? Do I like baking and cooking or do I despise it or am I obsessed with it? I feel like I am eating for the sake of it but hating what it is doing to my body. 

I hate the lack of control, but love the increasing freedom at the same time. Am I scared of being in control in a way I have never been in control before? 

I DESPISE THIS CONFUSION. 

I DESPISE THESE QUESTIONS.

I hate not knowing what is real and what is not real. I have no answers or clarity. I hate it. And by the way....

Who made recovery so confusing? 

Welcome to Recovery Limbo....

....I don't know how long I'll be staying here. I haven't got a plan, itinerary or time frame, sorry. I lost my map.

And here lies the biggest problem for me in recovery right now. No plan. The equation looks a little like this in my head;

No plan + No Control + Lack of Self-Esteem x High Anxiety 

Fear of Failing                                      

= Not wanting to face life with no plan + hating change. 

I feel like the only person in the world with no plan, when I have always been 'the one WITH a plan', even if it hadn't seemed that way at times and I've panicked,  I've always had a plan, drive, ambition, whatever, that's driven me forward and kept me going. I've had lists and timetables and structure. Control. Tick. But now it all feels so, well, disorganised.

Being in 'Recovery Limbo' makes me feel so left out of life, so unprepared, but not ill enough to be completely switched off from it any more. And that's the problem right there. 


When I was more ill, I didn't care about 'life' or a 'plan' - I had resigned myself to Ana's plan, that was safe and only had one track, easy right? THEN came along the choice of the 'Recovery Route' the route I wanted instead. It's a bloody long and tough route to take, but for me, the only one at the moment too.

It's only after 6 months on this track, and after restoring a little bit of weight and doing 'well', that I'm waking up, noticing life around me, sort of whizzing by a lot faster than I can cope with. I feel like I've 'missed something' whilst I was taking the other route. I feel like I've missed some sort of memo, misplaced all my lists, plans, timetables and maps and having to wing it. I don't do 'winging'. Fact.

I just want things to be better. I want a job,  that means I can earn money again. I want to be able to go shopping and buy lovely things. I want my own house again. I want opinions and views again. I want my ambition and drive back. I want to be able to go out without DREADING it or regretting it. I thought this path gave me all that? OR maybe it's just I haven't got to that stop on this journey yet? 

Although I KNOW I want more, I know I want to DO THINGS, something is waking up inside, but I still feel so held back by a barrier – by my eating disorder – by Ana - by my lack of self-esteem and confidence and fear of doing anything new or returning to anything I used to do– in case I mess up again, get lost, what happens then?

When people say ‘think of all the new opportunities you’ll have further along this journey’ Yeah okay, let’s think of all the things I am too scared to even contemplate TRYING because I am scared of failing at them too. So they don’t feel like ‘opportunities’ at all. I don't feel like I have enough of a grip on everything or enough of a plan to face life. But where do I start? 

I'm definitely passing through Recovery Limbo at the moment. With no idea of the next stop, the next track or the final destination.

There are just 1001 things I KNOW I can do, but 1001 things Ana is still convincing me I'll mess up if I try.She's still trying to convince me she knows a short cut or an easier route. She was wrong the last time, 'we' got lost.

I am stressing about trying to get things sorted, trying to get things ticked off my lists and trying to get life back on track. But which track am I meant to be on? That’s the problem I HAVE NO IDEA. I end up not actually getting ANYTHING sorted and just moving around in some sort of limbo for days on end and it is DRIVING ME MAD. I used to be so organised, so planned out, so in control, with direction and ambition. Now what? I don’t know HOW to sort it or WHAT to do and I don’t feel like I CAN sort it.

I just feel like I am not capable of finding the right track, but know I can’t stay on this one forever – I know that, it's not a 'open' ticket, it'll run out eventually and I need to get a new one. I have two options -direct ticket along Ana's path or the choice to carry on the longgggggg 'Recovery Route.' and hope I find some sort of inspirational place along the way? 

Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to Limbo. 

Standing Still equals Staying Ill

One of the hardest things I am learning to accept in recovery is the concept of continual CHANGE and the constant moves FORWARD that are essential in putting space between myself and my eating disorder. 

There is no time to sit still, no chance to catch your breath sometimes, but I suppose I can save that for when Ana gives up trying to convince me her life is happier and more fulfilled. I already know she's an expert liar, I just wish she'd give up trying to fool me. 

There's been a lot of change recently. CHANGES in my WEIGHT, CHANGES in my BODY, CHANGES to my MEAL PLANS and the most exciting is CHANGES in my THOUGHTS towards recovery...

The most relevant quote here would be “DO IT NOW; DON’T PUT THINGS OFF. IF NOT NOW, WHEN?” this can be applied to food, weight and recovery in general. 

I am still struggling with the weekly-WI's but my NEW theory. It's like getting waxed, the outcome will be worth it eventually, but my gosh it hurts. Doing it slowly and putting pulling off the little strips makes it feel 10 x worse than if you just GO for it and rip it off. So, prolonging the fact that to recover I have no choice to gain weight or not, recovery requires it. So I need to just DO IT, restore my weight to a healthy number and work with my team to help my head catch up. 

Finally, I have restored enough weight to PROVE to my team and to ME that I can do this. The trend has completed  a 360 and is now pointing in the right direction (away from Ana!) Although I am under NO illusion that there is a LONG old road ahead of me, it feels good to be making progress and for my hard work with food to be paying off health-wise. It's taken me 6 months of intense work with my Team at the EDU to get my weight back above my admission weight. But I have done it. Something else I've learnt in the last four weeks? They weren't lying, even little steps out of a 'dangerous' BMI make you feel so much more ALIVE and it DOES make everything a little less, well,  blurred. 

Same with food. I am learning to accept that there would NEVER be a right time for me to eat certain foods in Ana’s world. I would go FOREVER without another bite if she had a say right?

So every challenge, every new meal, every new food and every construct, rule I break and lie I see,  is me turning my back on my disordered behaviours in my disordered world. The more times I can turn my back, the more times I can disobey Ana, the closer a full recovery gets. 

This concept is helping me face challenges head on and realise that I shouldn't feel guilty or like I am 'messing everything up' because I'm not. I am fixing things the only plan I am messing up is HERS for MY life. And what was that plan? It was to strip me of everything, including life itself. 

‘THE LONGER I SEE AND ACCPET MY BODY THE WAY IT IS, THE MORE ‘NORMAL’ IT BECOMES’

Another reason to keep moving, to keep restoring weight and accept the changes in my body HOWEVER hard it is to do...

I was reminded by Mrs W recently that when she first assessed me I said that I ‘knew my legs were too skinny and I don’t want them to be’ This was a massive wake-up call too because now I think they look FAT and I don’t like them getting bigger. It reminded me that it is EASY to accept a body that isn’t healthy, one I never thought Id have, easy to stand still and avoid CHANGE. 

It’s a body that I’ve got used to seeing and one Ana has convinced me is BETTER or more PERFECT than the one I’ll have if I am Weight Restored, even if it isn’t healthy.The age old Ana lie that I often believe is "I’m not THAT skinny anyway" I can see how easy it could be to get caught here if I am here too long.

I need to remind myself  on a daily basis that my body IS going to have to CHANGE it HAS to if my life is going to CHANGE and if I want to make a run for it from Ana. The sooner I can really ‘feel’ like it is getting better, the sooner I can get used to a new, healthier body and work towards reducing the negativity about it. 

Without accepting the CHANGE in my body, I wont be able to CHANGE my life from one controlled by food and Ana to one that I control and one in which I start to regain parts of my life that my eating disorder has slowly taken from me....

Now, if none of that is reason to keep moving, I don't know what is......as they say, no rest for the wicked! 

Keeping Quiet

I have made the decision as part of, 'New Year, New Sare' that am going to STOP telling people my weight and progress and say I am doing what is required or not, because their all so often patronising ‘oh well done’ responses. They just really confuse me more than I benefit from gaining their approval or commendation for my recovery. From now on  I am going to say;

‘I am doing what is required’
If I have gained weight and then acceptably maintained when I am allowed

Or

‘I need to fight harder’
If I lose weight because I need them to know I must fight more and might need their help if I ask

I need to take this step because I can’t keep going over and over my recovery, my sessions with Ms F or my emotions surrounding weigh ins and weight restoration because most people just don’t understand how the scales going up can be bad and good and how them going down can feel both negative and positive.
I am often faced with the question 'How I can want to get better' if I feel positive when I lose weight and not feel over-joyed with the scales reflecting me getting better. I can't ever explain to some people how restoring weight DOESN’T feel like I am getting better sometimes. 

I need to remember first and foremost that this is MY recovery and that is all that matters at the end of the day. I sometimes get an urge to gush it all out, tell everyone everything for a fear that  if it’s spiralling in my head between sessions, that I'll get more and more confused.

However, as a result of feeling so mixed, it often comes out confused, mixed up and making no sense to me, never mind anyone else, which ends up being more detrimental that the whirlwind of thoughts in the first place.

Most people don’t understand how I can separate Ana and Sarah and how in terms of recovery, weigh ins and weight restoration. They can't grasp that my thoughts and opinion on all three can quickly swing from HER thoughts and MY own ‘non-disordered’, logical opinion in the same breath. Jesus, I can’t even keep up sometimes.

It is becoming more hassle and upsetting than it is supportive to explain because I just end up sounding like I don’t want to get better, pessimistic and confused. Because in all honesty, I am mixed up about it, still sat in the middle of disordered and recovered thoughts about the scales.

I need to stop seeking the reassurance from the people around me, stop trying to work out if they are pleased with me, stop needing to know that I am doing the right thing and accept that none of them can really give me that.

I need to focus on ME. 

Body Gossiping about Body Image...

As part of Body Gossip's Body Image Advent I have been thinking about my own issues surrounding my ED and my Body Image.....

I’d like to believe I was immune to society’s pressure to look a certain way; I have attempted to convince myself I was for years. But when it boils down to it, something out there has contributed to the way in which I see myself when I look in the mirror. Perhaps it’s the constant comparing, the inability to take compliments and my on-going obsession over my ‘worst’ bits that skew what I see? Or perhaps, I need to admit, it’s actually ALL of the above?

Although my disordering eating started BEFORE I placed as much emphasis on ‘how I looked’ (a mix of OCD and emetaphobia as a child) my desire to achieve what I see ‘perfection’ has most definitely been a factor in developing Anorexia Nervosa.

In my eyes, people around me, whether we’re talking about models, celebrities, friends or strangers, they have always been prettier, thinner, better dressed, got less cellulite and have better hair (you get the picture) than me.  My obsession with comparing my body to others, usually unfavourably, drove me crazy. I believed that being the thinnest, the most ‘in control’ of my body would help me stop comparing and start accepting my body, because it would be perfect. I spent (and still spend) a lot time WISHING my body was different, teeth whiter, hair blonder, tummy flatter, and a lot of time moaning about these things to friends, again and again.

 I didn’t know what weight would make me happy, what measurements would make me ‘perfect’ and what at all would improve what I saw in the mirror. What do Victoria’s Secrets weigh and measure is a question I have often asked.  Of course, whatever goal I set, it moved when I got there because I wasn’t happy, yes, a lower weight MIGHT equal perfect and therefor happiness. I hate to admit it, but even before my obsession with the numbers on the scales in more recent years, I suppose I used society’s notion of the ‘perfect body’ as my scale as I was growing up.  I wanted to be top of the scale, but not knowing where I was starting from made that a little tricky.

 I could reel off to you all the things I HATE about my body, all the things I hated at a heavier weight too (they are the same by the way) You could try and tell me differently, you could attempt to give me a compliment, but it's falling on deaf ears. If I can't see it, you MUST be lying. I still do. I don't feel I look like I have an ED, I don't look anorexic? Emaciated? Why would she use that adjective for me? I'm not the 'E' word, I'm just a bit thinner that before? This is BDD. This is how I think.

Of course, like I said, my BDD not the only thing that has led to my eating disorder, but I do think it plays a large part in halting my recovery. With the help of my therapist and dietician I can start to restore weight and health, start eating a more nutritional diet and working a way out of the control of AN, but it’s me that has to start accepting my body to move forwards. 

However, developing a less discorded picture of my own body is proving difficult when every women I know moans about their body, wants to change numerous things, is making 2012 the year they stick to Weight Watchers or getting their teeth whitened. Plus, those VS models are still there aren’t they?

So where I don’t feel Body Image is ALWAYS directly linked with eating disorders, and not EVERY women who has issues with body image DEVELOPS an eating disorder, when both eating and body image are both disordered, it can be a long, hard road to improve your relationship with food and to accept your body for what it is, imperfections and all. I should know. I’m trying now.