8 January 2012

Keeping Quiet

I have made the decision as part of, 'New Year, New Sare' that am going to STOP telling people my weight and progress and say I am doing what is required or not, because their all so often patronising ‘oh well done’ responses. They just really confuse me more than I benefit from gaining their approval or commendation for my recovery. From now on  I am going to say;

‘I am doing what is required
If I have gained weight and then acceptably maintained when I am allowed


‘I need to fight harder’
If I lose weight because I need them to know I must fight more and might need their help if I ask

I need to take this step because I can’t keep going over and over my recovery, my sessions with Ms F or my emotions surrounding weigh ins and weight restoration because most people just don’t understand how the scales going up can be bad and good and how them going down can feel both negative and positive.
I am often faced with the question 'How I can want to get better' if I feel positive when I lose weight and not feel over-joyed with the scales reflecting me getting better. I can't ever explain to some people how restoring weight DOESN’T feel like I am getting better sometimes. 

I need to remember first and foremost that this is MY recovery and that is all that matters at the end of the day. I sometimes get an urge to gush it all out, tell everyone everything for a fear that  if it’s spiralling in my head between sessions, that I'll get more and more confused.

However, as a result of feeling so mixed, it often comes out confused, mixed up and making no sense to me, never mind anyone else, which ends up being more detrimental that the whirlwind of thoughts in the first place.

Most people don’t understand how I can separate Ana and Sarah and how in terms of recovery, weigh ins and weight restoration. They can't grasp that my thoughts and opinion on all three can quickly swing from HER thoughts and MY own ‘non-disordered’, logical opinion in the same breath. Jesus, I can’t even keep up sometimes.

It is becoming more hassle and upsetting than it is supportive to explain because I just end up sounding like I don’t want to get better, pessimistic and confused. Because in all honesty, I am mixed up about it, still sat in the middle of disordered and recovered thoughts about the scales.

I need to stop seeking the reassurance from the people around me, stop trying to work out if they are pleased with me, stop needing to know that I am doing the right thing and accept that none of them can really give me that.

I need to focus on ME. 


  1. I love the way you put it- recovery IS full of mixed feelings. Keep fighting my fellow recovery ninja!

  2. I usually refrain from commenting on a person's progress... (except if they faced a specific fear -- such as eating something challenging on purpose -- to challenge themselves) because each step is such a personal thing. How you feel about it could greatly differ than from how I would feel about it... you know?

  3. I think people who are going through / been through an ED know that its best not to comment too much on some parts of progress / recovery. It's my family I am mainly referring too, and people who don't understand the complex emotions surrounding recovery, if you know what I mean?

  4. Just found your blog. This is a really tough one for me because I feel like I NEED reassurance and support and pushing from others but what I often get is "well dones" and other comments which are confusing to me and potentially not helpful...and after all our recoveries are for US and we're the only ones who can walk the walk. At least you can express your thoughts on your blog which might prevent you getting too muddled up in the whirlwind. Keep on going chicka :)

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.