16 May 2012

Go on, name your price, do me a deal.

What's the price of not having to restore any more weight then? Will paying it make me happy or YOU happy. What is it that makes ME happy. I dare you to do me a deal, Ana. Let's weigh it up.

I am struggling at the moment with the WR / I don't know ME limbo / Why is it FAIR that I can't be recovered at this weight / frustration at not knowing, anything. 

So, I KNOW there is a price to pay for staying at this weight. I know there is, well there are big prices all round. So, let's add up the cost...bear with me. 

I'm not having periods, so, firstly it’s the price of not having children
It’s the price of having my own family. 
It's my health.
It’s not working, it's my career.
It’s not exercising.
It's not allowing myself to fall in love or to be loved.

It’s being left here, in limbo UNRECOVERED

It’s continuing to live a life focused on weight, food, calories.
It’s defining my happiness alongside my eating disorder’s happiness
It's forever measuring my worth in kilos on the scales.
It’s maintaining and managing my eating disorder, not beating it.
It's always eating from a MP
It's being scared

So if I don't want to pay these prices, it’s why I need to let go of ALL behaviours,  it’s why I need to stop comparing myself, my life, and my recovery. It's knowing that happiness is worth MORE than paying with these things to make Ana happy, so what's stopping me? 

It’s why, as painful as it is, I need to think LONG and HARD about what SARAH likes, wants and what makes SARAH happy. Not Ana.... Is it being scared of not knowing ME that stops me?

It’s just so had when that’s so ambiguous, when I don’t have a clue what REALLY makes SARAH happy, when the other definition of happiness is SO clear, that clear goal makes Ana’s promises seem attainable. I know her promises of happiness, success and worth are so defined on a scale, but I also know that SHE LIES,

So then, tell me,  why does it still always feel so real? Its seems easier to see it through her eyes, but I suppose that is the problem and how she pulls people back time and time again, why recovery is so hard, because giving up and not figuring out what SARAH likes is the EASY option and I am AWARE that it’s a trick because I KNOW nothing comes for free, nothing that seems that easy.

I DON’T want to live half a life or be like this forever, stuck in limbo, forever. But the part of me is terrified of being fat, ugly and a failure in REAL life. Sarah is scared. This fear teams up with Ana and making her life look desirable DESPITE me actually being aware it’s not. See the battle in my head?

I need to NOT hate this awareness as much as I do though, I need to stop resenting my awareness or drive to recover,  because as hard as it is and as horrible as it is hearing Ana and knowing they are lies, wanting to believe them, wishing they were real or the answer, its the awareness that these are LIES that is SAVING me right now. 

That, and knowing that my team WONT let Ana trick me, I am not alone trying to figure this all out. 

So...I need to stand up. And stop paying for something I know wont make me happy. I need to stop letting her in with behaviours and NBDs. I know I need to stop making deals or wishing I could stay super skinny and ‘controlled’ and watch what I eat AND be RECOVERED, because it is just not EVER going to possible, EVER. I just don’t think I can fully grasp or accept this concept yet, but I am aware I need to.

I am scared, anxious, whatever, of NOT REALLY KNOWING SARAH but knowing that until I let go of ALL of Ana, I am not giving myself the chance to know me. I need to LET GO and LET IT BE and accept I am in the process of finding out, but as painful as limbo is, I CAN’T RUSH. I just need to be.

I need to stop making deals, thinking there must be a way of paying, thinking there's some sort of 'Super Flash Sale' that's going to start that allows me the best bits of Ana for free, as a gift and a loyalty card bonus or special event, because that's not ever going to be the case....there is ALWAYS a price to pay for this weight. It's RECOVERY. It's me. 


  1. Urm...WOW S. That has got to be one of the most heart wrenching blogs I've ever read. Your want to get through this and your fear/confusion is so clear that I just want to reach out and hug you. Your words really resonated with me, the want for change but the pure fear over it too. The whole 'it's maintaining and managing my ed, not beating it' really opened my eyes to just how much I have to change as well and the fact that it ALL has to go, we can't pick and choice, cause your right, that's just managing. And when you said 'knowing my team won't let ana trick me, I am not alone trying to figure this all out' had given me the strength and courage to speak up at my appt on Monday. Thank you S, thank you for your words and your honesty, you touch and help so many people without even realising. That takes a special kind of person :) you can and will beat this, I just know it xxx

  2. I'm thinking about this SO much right now. it's really battling with my mind! I want to believe that this weight is totally okay but it simply doesn't work this way. As you said it: 'there is ALWAYS a price to pay for this weight' and yes, as long as theses thoughts are there, anorexia is there too. Keep strong, girl. Give it time and you will learn to know you. the real you. xo

  3. I have to agree with Sami (16th May) when she says the phrase that opened her eyes the most was 'it's maintaining and managing my ed, not beating it'. This really struck a chord with me as well - in fact, I actually said 'Woah!' out load when I read it because I feel you have hit the nail on the head. This post has basically described the vast majority of though processes going on in my head right now, and while I don't wish this on you or anyone, it's kind of comforting to know I'm not alone at this stage in the recovery process.

    "I need to stop letting her in with behaviours and NBDs. I know I need to stop making deals or wishing I could stay super skinny and ‘controlled’ and watch what I eat AND be RECOVERED, because it is just not EVER going to possible, EVER" Again, such a powerful statement and when I read it now I know you are right. But the thought of this is just so massive - I have had a few NBD's creeping back, and on reflection I can see that they are nothing but bad news. But sometimes, I feel I have to let myself have a few NBD's for fighting so hard, you know? Kind of like 'well, I've done really well for the rest of today, this is NBD' Errrrr - nope, totally incorrect and I need to change that mindset if I have any chance of a full recovery. Which is what I so desperately want - like you S, I don't want to stay in this hell called limbo. You have made me see that you can never have the best bits of ana/ed etc for free.
    Stay strong, all the ninjas the world over are all shouting each other on - we will do this! x