6 February 2012

Standing Still equals Staying Ill

One of the hardest things I am learning to accept in recovery is the concept of continual CHANGE and the constant moves FORWARD that are essential in putting space between myself and my eating disorder. 

There is no time to sit still, no chance to catch your breath sometimes, but I suppose I can save that for when Ana gives up trying to convince me her life is happier and more fulfilled. I already know she's an expert liar, I just wish she'd give up trying to fool me. 

There's been a lot of change recently. CHANGES in my WEIGHT, CHANGES in my BODY, CHANGES to my MEAL PLANS and the most exciting is CHANGES in my THOUGHTS towards recovery...

The most relevant quote here would be “DO IT NOW; DON’T PUT THINGS OFF. IF NOT NOW, WHEN?” this can be applied to food, weight and recovery in general. 

I am still struggling with the weekly-WI's but my NEW theory. It's like getting waxed, the outcome will be worth it eventually, but my gosh it hurts. Doing it slowly and putting pulling off the little strips makes it feel 10 x worse than if you just GO for it and rip it off. So, prolonging the fact that to recover I have no choice to gain weight or not, recovery requires it. So I need to just DO IT, restore my weight to a healthy number and work with my team to help my head catch up. 

Finally, I have restored enough weight to PROVE to my team and to ME that I can do this. The trend has completed  a 360 and is now pointing in the right direction (away from Ana!) Although I am under NO illusion that there is a LONG old road ahead of me, it feels good to be making progress and for my hard work with food to be paying off health-wise. It's taken me 6 months of intense work with my Team at the EDU to get my weight back above my admission weight. But I have done it. Something else I've learnt in the last four weeks? They weren't lying, even little steps out of a 'dangerous' BMI make you feel so much more ALIVE and it DOES make everything a little less, well,  blurred. 

Same with food. I am learning to accept that there would NEVER be a right time for me to eat certain foods in Ana’s world. I would go FOREVER without another bite if she had a say right?

So every challenge, every new meal, every new food and every construct, rule I break and lie I see,  is me turning my back on my disordered behaviours in my disordered world. The more times I can turn my back, the more times I can disobey Ana, the closer a full recovery gets. 

This concept is helping me face challenges head on and realise that I shouldn't feel guilty or like I am 'messing everything up' because I'm not. I am fixing things the only plan I am messing up is HERS for MY life. And what was that plan? It was to strip me of everything, including life itself. 


Another reason to keep moving, to keep restoring weight and accept the changes in my body HOWEVER hard it is to do...

I was reminded by Mrs W recently that when she first assessed me I said that I ‘knew my legs were too skinny and I don’t want them to be’ This was a massive wake-up call too because now I think they look FAT and I don’t like them getting bigger. It reminded me that it is EASY to accept a body that isn’t healthy, one I never thought Id have, easy to stand still and avoid CHANGE. 

It’s a body that I’ve got used to seeing and one Ana has convinced me is BETTER or more PERFECT than the one I’ll have if I am Weight Restored, even if it isn’t healthy.The age old Ana lie that I often believe is "I’m not THAT skinny anyway" I can see how easy it could be to get caught here if I am here too long.

I need to remind myself  on a daily basis that my body IS going to have to CHANGE it HAS to if my life is going to CHANGE and if I want to make a run for it from Ana. The sooner I can really ‘feel’ like it is getting better, the sooner I can get used to a new, healthier body and work towards reducing the negativity about it. 

Without accepting the CHANGE in my body, I wont be able to CHANGE my life from one controlled by food and Ana to one that I control and one in which I start to regain parts of my life that my eating disorder has slowly taken from me....

Now, if none of that is reason to keep moving, I don't know what is......as they say, no rest for the wicked! 

1 comment :

  1. I think it's so admirable that you have the strength to accept and love your changing body. I'm sure it's not easy. I know that I've gotten so comfortable in my unhealthy body that being in a healthy body sounds frightening. Thank you for putting yourself out there. I know it helps me a lot.