22 January 2012

Loosening Her Grip

Recovery is so confusing right? I don’t like that I feel positive and determined one minute and HATE my body and food SO much the next. I don’t get it AT ALL. 

It’s so conflicting and confusing and so constant too.  I want to get better and get my life back but I am SO SCARED of what is happening to my body, yes, I am anorexic and scared of getting fatter. Shocking right?

I know I need to remember how far I have come. Like being able to pick at nuts or cranberries in the kitchen or when I find eating certain snacks or meals feels easier recently, it’s not because I am suddenly recovered or haven’t got AN anymore, it’s  because I am working hard at breaking off those nerve ending that Ana has had so much control over, for so long. 

When I get the 'am I, aren't I' confusion about being anorexic at all, I need to remember that the reason they feel easier to do NOW is because I have already fought HARD to win those fights in this battle. I need to see this is me slowly but surely breaking her down. 

I need to recognise that doing this more and more will result in less being controlled by my eating disorder, the more I win, the more I challenge myself and the more OFTEN I do it, the more I am loosening the grip my ED has on me. 

The eventual result? The less control Ana will have over my responses and emotions to situations and to food, until eventually she will be unable to control my actions, and then we’ll work on her not being able to control my emotions, right?  

But like with anything destructive or with any addiction the longer these habits or responses to situations are in place, the stronger and more consuming they become, the tighter their grip over logical thinking. So the harder they are to break free from. 

Add to this the fact that Ana has the upper hand in already KNOWING THIS. The knowledge that I'll break free from her control  fuels her desire to keep as much grip on me as she can, for as long as she can. In remembering this it’s easier to see why my eating disorder is going to constantly going to convince me that I need to hold off weight restoration, put off challenges with new foods, make me want to lie and hide things and shout at me and make me feel guilty when I turn my back. 

Ana is basically DESPERATE To keep as much control over my physical actions as possible, for as long as she possibly can. It is Ana’s desperation I can hear and her determination to convince me to stay that I am fighting against. Bring it on. 


  1. Your do right,, it's so confusing and it gets easier because you've already done it !! I wish I could be this strong !! How do you challenge yourself ?? Do you find it hard to make that decision ?? :)

  2. I get challenges on a weekly basis from my dietician, who adds foods to my MP and to my snacks etc. We talk them through and I have to sign them off and say I will try to do them. It helps that I trust my team and that I am competitive too, so I don't want to fail at them. I find it SO hard to speak up about challenges I have in my head, but I have found, like I mention, that the more I speak up, the easier it gets to do it next time.

  3. I really respect you for eating challenging foods and getting up everyday with the determination to LIVE instead of simply exist. There's so many people who are here to support you when ana's voice is louder than your own, including me. You're a first class recovery ninja!

  4. This is really inspirational, its amazing to see how your recovering, it took me a long time to realise i needed to get better and these things still baffle me XD your really inspirational and so determined to get better keep going :)