22 January 2012

What 2012 Has Taught Me So Far...

...I feel like I am making progress 21 days into 2012. But how? Why? and What feels different? I'm not entirely sure to be honest, which might explain the lack of blogging.

I still feel like I have been on a whirlwind since Christmas and New Year and not yet stopped spinning. I have gone from one thing, to the next, to the next without stopping much in between. There lies a problem in itself, I have a district lack of 'focus' on anything at the moment and can't pin point why. If I knit, I 'should be' reading. If I read I 'could be' writing. If I 'write' I should be seeing friends...the list is endless.

What I SHOULD BE doing is being MINDFUL and doing what I want and what my body wants and FOCUSING on recovery. Because all the shoulds and coulds just lead to guilt - not the best emotion in recovery right?

I have learnt a lot in the last three weeks though, about my eating disorder, myself and others:

* I DO TRUST my EDU team - I trust they'll catch me when I fall - I trust my MP and I trust they want me to recover from this. I trust I am not going to be discharged any time soon and I trust their advice. This has changed the way I feel about some parts of my recovery plan - especially the food.

* I DO HAVE anorexia nervosa - But I don't need to live up to that diagnosis. A friend told me over NY to 'Discard the Label' and she is right. I often find myself freaking out about not being anorexic because I CHOSE recovery and I choose to eat. Just because I am being treated for an ED doesnt mean I should still be acting like I have one on a daily basis. I am FIGHTING ANOREXIA not living with it.

* I DO HATE my body - My BDD is getting worse as I restore weight and eat more and dealing with body checking is hard but is something I am working on day by day with my team. I can't stand this skin I'm in - I am scared that I'll never accept my body -  but trust my team and trying to restore weight means that my mind will catch up, eventually!

* I CAN RECOVER - I do believe I can. I believe that I will do this. It's just going to take time. Mrs W. told me last week that she believes I will recover, that I will be free, but its a LONG journey and I'm not yet half way...it's tiring to think about as a whole, but you know what, day by day, it's going to get easier.


  1. That's so inspirational,, keep going :) Its the hardest thing in the world to decide to recover and harder still to actually do it and I know how hard it can be,, stay positive you can beat this !!!!

  2. I definitely feel you on the whole fuzzy and unfocused mind thing. I'm working with my therapist on having evenings that are "relaxed, fun, and creative", so when evenings come around, I end up getting so overwhelmed by trying to think of something calm to do. Ha! Keep trusting your recovery team. They have your best interests at heart. It may not feel like it when you look in the mirror, but you are a goddess...just wanted to let you know!

  3. Hey i just want to say that your really enspiring,, i follow you on twitter and your so strong and youve helped me to realise that there is more to life than this !! keep going your so inspirational !!!