12 September 2012

Am I Resting on These 'Safe' Laurels?

Wow, it's been a while. 

I've been stepping away from 'recovery blogging' and spending time 'life blogging' instead, in an attempt to LIVE life, not live my recovery. It's been emotional, it's been rocky, it's been positive, but it's also been rather confusing and frustrating. 

It's that awkward stage of recovery I was warned about, that one in which I could get stuck. 

I'm at the stage where I am starting to rebuild parts of my life I lost at my most ill, at Ana's strongest, and it feels good. I am in my new apartment, I am sticking to my MP, my weight is 'stable' and *just* in a healthy BMI again and I have registered self-employed and picking up freelance work. All positive right? And all rather safe at the same time. 

Food, is stable - but 'safe' and not close to 'normal'.
Weight, is stable - but not where it needs to be. 
Health, is, well, my body still doesn't love me. 
Life, is, well, not good enough. (for me) 
Body, is again, not good enough (for me)

In those brackets one could be mistaken for translating ME into ANA. This is the problem. 

I could get stuck here. I realise that. It's still so frustrating and confusing and I am starting to realise that rebuilding other areas of my life might take the emphasis OFF my eating disorder, but it wont take it away. Nor will filling my time up (again) with other things stop the anorexic thoughts. 

I am still going to need to work HARD on these and not just sit back and realise that okay,  Ana and I are not BFFs any more that makes life easier, but I can't even have her in my circle of friends. I need to accept I need to get rid of her, its only me that can delete her from my friends, erase her number and block her calls.

I need to keep moving forward to get a real balance in my life. Because it always comes back to food and body. It always comes back to anorexia.

That's the problem with sneaky little Ana though isn't it, she never leaves you alone and find new ways to get an invite to the party. After warnings that my team are about to give me a kick up the bum and throw new challenges my way, I've been thinking.  I was reading back through my blog posts in October 2011 to find posts to support a friend with her first 'recovery jumps' and read this: 

"This is a habit I have gotten into, challenging Ana with one thing, then restricting because I have already challenged her and I back off and keep her happy. I am becoming more and more aware of this each time I go through my food diaries with my dietitian. Meal by meal or day by day, it's the same habit. I think this is the first step – being AWARE of the thoughts and who is driving them, the step I need to take now is ACTING on them."

I'm afraid to say, this is still a problem. For every time I challenge myself, I find away to jump to safety and it's not helping my recovery. I eat, I enjoy eating, I am freer, food is not really the problem anymore, or is it? Am I using it as a safety blanket to cover up the hurt and thoughts the next stage of recovery is throwing at me?

Subtle, stable and safe, but just as detrimental to a full recovery. Bring on the kicking....because this bitch is still keeping me down. 

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