tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14153430285405968462024-03-05T11:47:11.005+00:00Dream. Recover. Live.There are so many dreams to dream, reasons to recover and a life to live.Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.comBlogger195125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-75551033540244256422019-09-26T09:46:00.002+01:002019-09-26T10:06:58.078+01:00Bump, Breasts and Bread <div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>I've only spent 21 weeks and four days out of my 34 years and six months on the planet pregnant so far, </b>but I can tell you, it’s changed me more than just physically, already!</div>
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I’d always been anxious about maybe one day having a baby, but never thought it would be something I’d be capable of. Firstly, emetophobia (fear of vomit) pushed the notion out - morning sickness, being sick in labour, then baby sick <i>- not for me thanks</i>! Thankfully, I’ve not suffered so far in pregnancy with sickness at all, the first trimester was quite breezy compared to some people’s experience. <i>(*plenty of ginger did the trick!) </i></div>
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Then there was the lack of menstruation for seven years at the worst my eating disorder. I was aware from the start of the crisis that every month I didn’t have a period I was eroding my chance of being fertile. Yet that didn’t persuade me to turn my back on anorexia at the time. Fast forward to 2019, lots of self care <a href="https://dream-recover-live.blogspot.com/2019/08/hello-mamma.html" target="_blank">I mentioned in my first pregnancy post</a>, and we conceived in May! </div>
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<b>Now the changes to my body</b>. We hear the same old rhetoric from women about how ‘<i>babies ruined their bodies</i>’, society is obsessed with people losing ‘<i>baby bellies’</i> and dropping the baby weight before they leave the maternity unit. As someone who’s recovered from anorexia - they all set off the alarm bells, everytime. <i>Why on EARTH would I ‘ruin’ my controlled and monitored body? Give it up for 9 months and leave myself with a horror show? Nah! </i></div>
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But you know what, I’ve been working hard to re frame all that now it's happening. It's part of what my doula is helping with, and why I am going to Positive Birth Groups and embracing positive pregnancy stories.<br />
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I am looking at my growing bump in excitement. <b>I’m actually loving having bigger breasts and a big bump is a reminder that Baby Brown is doing well growing in there</b>. Of course That doesn’t come naturally to me, a lifetime of craving no curves and ‘flatness’ takes some undoing, but I’m probably less self conscious of my body than at any time since I was about 10!<b> I’d go as far to say as I’m proud of it.</b> </div>
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What I am more conscious of, and the part of the second trimester playing on my mind is <b>eating and hunger. </b>It’s constant. I am no longer setting the food rules by the clock or just for me. We know anorexia prides itself on the ability to control time and hunger - but no more. I’ve always told myself the story that I’m ‘greedy’, ‘glutinous’ and ‘piggy’ with no self control (despite never suffering with actual binging) but snacking more or adding more to plate bothered me.<i><b> It still does, making this part of being pregnant harder to deal with right now. </b></i></div>
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I am dealing with it, I have no choice - and secretly it is liberating to eat previously ‘banned’ foods - the ones I still banned until May this year! But it’s a work in progress. I’m staying away from counting calories as much as humanly possible and I’m eating when my body tells me I need to (music to my former dietitian’s ears!) intuitive eating, me? I know I’ll gain weight, I have to. I know I’m needing more fuel to grow a human and keep me energized for work. It needs to be a varied diet - with carbs and fats top of the list. I am doing that, eating more - but it doesn’t come naturally. </div>
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Those greed thoughts are there, as are the ones I put into other peoples minds, assuming they’re agreeing. I still hate people commenting on my food and what I am eating, it really does get to me. <i>(Please, don't do it, I am eating more, and differently, I am aware!)</i></div>
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It’s also my changing tastes, I’m going off my usual favourite lunch and dinners and craving more comforting meals, smaller volume, higher calories, like spaghetti hoops on toast and vegan fish fingers and mash. Woah, that's a lot for my head to take some nights, and even if it's tasty, it makes me want to cry when M asks me if I'm enjoying it! </div>
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Yes I am scared about when my midwife next wants to weigh me, I worry about non-bump weight gain, like my bum and thighs, and who knows how I'll feel in February when he's here. But for now, <b>there’s never been a more crucial time for me to tune into my body and just bloody listen and trust it! I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt for the next 18 weeks and 3 days, because it’s doing something quite marvelous right now. Growing my little man.</b></div>
Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-62900444969796988012019-08-02T14:13:00.001+01:002019-08-02T14:42:30.730+01:00Hello, Mamma<div style="text-align: justify;">
During my recovery from anorexia I was asked what a full, recovered life would look like. Who I'd be, what I'd be doing, whether I'd get married or be a mother or not. Big life questions, right?</div>
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It was something that felt so far-stretched as I sat in my therapist's office, that I couldn't even comprehend having my periods again, let alone meeting someone and having a baby. Who cared? What I cared about was controlling my diet and not gaining weight.</div>
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I didn't realise how much I had got used to seven years without menstruating, it was my new norm. Not normal, I get that. But to me, I guess it was some sort of reassurance I wasn't fat.</div>
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Fast forward to the end of 2018, a year of connecting to my body, my sacral chakra and of accepting as a 30-something year old woman most definitely should be bleeding every month. I've gradually, through self-care work, have ended up in a place where I celebrate this, I track my cycle, noticing small changes during each season of my cycle and embracing them.</div>
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Reflexology has helped too. Not only to work on my connection to me, but also <a href="https://natural-fertility-info.com/reflexology.html" target="_blank">there's research into the benefits of it on fertility,</a> and many use it to bring on labour when they're ready to burst with baby.</div>
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Well, that's going to be me in about five months time. <b>Yes. I am pregnant.</b></div>
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Big news huh?</div>
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Marc and I found out around the 6/7 week mark, a home pregnancy test. I decided to do one after a couple of weeks of sore boobs and missed bleed. And there is was. A positive.</div>
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We weren't NOT trying, but I have believed since 2011 that children would be out of the picture. Something I had traded with the devil (anorexia) for thinness and lightness. But it seems a little bit of self-care and being with someone who's going to be an amazing Daddy can work it's magic.</div>
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It's going to be one hell of a journey. I'm 14/15 weeks, it's already been a whirlwind of appointments. Starting with coming off my meds immediately<i> (citalapram isn't recommended when pregnant)</i>, stopping drinking, cutting out caffeine, taking folic acid, and most importantly EATING. Eating well, better that I have in a longtime. I have the support of some amazing friends, family and my doula, Tor, and lots of really wonderful members of my tribe too. I am focusing on a 'me' pregancy and birth, with yoga, hynobirthing, affirmations and keeping calm. </div>
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Over dinner a while ago M asked me if I'd be okay when pregnant with the increased need to ALL food types, as well as the vital weight gain to make a baby and carry it for 9 months. Don't get me wrong, I am scared of ending up a bloated whale by Christmas, I am anxious that having a child will make me a chubby mamma forever, but I know these are lies. Everyday I will face new challenges I am sure, but for now, it's all-go for the baby brain. It seems to overide anorexia, I know I need fats and carbs to grow a bubba, and that's what it's going to get. I don't expect to be scoffing cakes and dark chocolate or bowls of chips for the next 25-odd weeks, but I will be increasing my varieties and cooking up balanced meals to grow a little genius as well as I can.</div>
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I can't quite believe that come January/February we'll have <i>(all being well</i>) a baby to care for, feed and bring up. A little human we'll help to navigate the world. But we will have. That's my new reality. Something I dreamed of and recovered for.</div>
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I will try to share my journey on this blog, because I want it to have an outcome that gives other's hope that aims in recovery can seem so pointless and far-fetched but trust me, those dreams CAN become realities. I am about to find that out over the next few months.</div>
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Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com1Staffordshire, UK52.8792745 -2.05718679999995451.651074 -4.6389737999999543 54.107475 0.52460020000004581tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-14244117139016987232018-04-07T08:38:00.002+01:002018-04-07T08:38:45.144+01:00“You’re better off alone...” said anorexia Anorexia thrives off us most when we’re alone with our thoughts. That’s the reality. No doubt about it. <br /><br />It’s like I’ve said before, the illness is like the most abusive best friend, who in reality is a bully, that you will ever meet. It’s when you’re feeling tired or lonely that her voice and those thoughts feel so comforting. When everything else feels out of control, it’s like that is the voice that can comfort you, and give you a little bit of control back, is a trusted confidant, the one who understands.<br /><br />Of course those of us who’s quietened our illnesses know that that control isn’t real, it’s an illusion but when you’re in the grips of the illness you don’t realise that this is what is really happening. It’s only through therapy and distancing yourself from the illness that you realise where that comfort is coming from. <br /><br />I’ve described having anorexia before as being in a relationship where you’re living with domestic abuse every single day. Being absolutely devoted to somebody who can make you feel like absolute goddess one moment, and then with the click of a finger make you feel like absolute shit, worthless.<br /><br />It’s that moment when you’re alone and the atmosphere flips that you feel most worthless. It’s because anorexia is really good at convincing you that you are better off alone, but nobody is coming to speak to you because you’re not worth it, that you need to sit be quiet and not speak to really think about what you’re doing ‘wrong’, to make sure that you’ve added up all the totals, to make sure you found a plan or a plot to lose weight, what to restrict to gain back control. And that’s the problem it’s at flip between wanting to be alone and then being terrified that you are alone and you can’t cope with those thoughts.<div>
<br />These feelings, and subsequently when you’re ill, the actions that come with them, feel so real. Even after recovery they are there for me. I guess it’s like an alcoholic not being able to forget the way that a bottle of vodka used to make them feel, longing after it, even if you stick to having a lemonade.<br /><br />The way that manifests nowadays for me is my mind is convinces me that I need time alone, I need to just do nothing and sit. Have no plans, see nobody. Yes, that is just general tiredness every person gets, but some of it is to make sure that my life is in the order that anorexia can deal with. It’s to make sure that I can eat at specific times though, and it’s to make sure that I’m not distracted from eating disordered thoughts, by actually living a life. I challenge myself on a daily basis to not cancel plans or indeed to make plans and find a way of doing them. Yes that pisses off anorexia, I crave a routine that some people would consider still disordered and Yes, I hear about it later, but I’ve learnt a way of coping with that.<br /><br />Early in recovery that’s not so easy. Almost impossible. You can’t shut it up. You don’t have the tools to be able to stop that train of thought, or counteract what the voice is telling you, to the person stuck with anorexia it’s as real as the bed you’re lying in. This is why people need to be around the people that are in the grips of an eating disorder. Don’t let them be alone with her.<br /><br />Don’t allow them to sit alone with those thoughts because We all know the more times you hear lies the more they seem like truth. Especially when you’re vulnerable and you want to hear things that make you feel better, not things that make you anxious. The more Ana can get someone alone and isolate them, the stronger the grip gets and the harder it is to shake it. I remember my family saying to me when I locked myself away when I was ill that I was just ‘festering in my thoughts’ and I used to get angry with them thinking that, they just didn’t understand those thoughts were making me feel better. Now, looking back they were right. All those days and nights I spent alone not talking to people not able to connect with people or concentrate on anything else just strengthened the grip the anorexia had over me. <br /><br />I was convinced it was my only companion, and always would be my only companion. To me, Ana was the only person I could trust and the only person if you want to say like that that ‘who was watching out for me.’<br /><br />This week I’ve been reminded of how this felt, and seen it happening for myself with somebody else battling their eating disorder. No one around them for hours at a time. Those who are meant to be caring for her, don’t seem to understand that isolation, boredom, lack of conversation or stimulation isn’t helping recovery, isn’t helping them see the other side of their illness. What they don’t seem to grasp is it is actually helping anorexia strengthen. <br /><br />I just hope that people who don’t know what it’s like to be in a bit abusive relationship, either with physical person or a mental illness like anorexia, wake up and realise that all the protesting of company, The slamming of doors and the cries of wanting to be alone, is all the abuser speaking. What that person really needs time to build trust, open up, and realise that there are other people in this world they can trust, and the person they trust the most right now, is the one that wants to tear them apart. <br /><br />Nowadays for me, this is reminding myself to not say no to my boyfriend coming round, not saying I need to be on my own and my head hurts, but actually except that having the company, even if I’m quiet, is better than sitting alone. I know that it is a trap to believe she’s the only one that can make me feel better, because ultimately it doesn’t. <br /><br />Fortunately through recovery I know her tricks, so this is a reminder to others that this is one trick the illness WILL use on everyone. Don’t let it. </div>
Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-13850572601864828952018-01-02T07:29:00.000+00:002018-01-02T07:39:00.194+00:00Let’s just look at where we are! As much as I try not to look back, reflect and look forward and set myself so many resolutions at this time of year, truth is I like doing it and I actually find it quite helpful (as long as I don’t beat myself up about not sticking to it midyear and at this time next year!)<br /><br />In terms of 2017 I guess I achieved quite a lot. I really got into my allotment and feel like I made a success of it, which I am really proud of, and miss it now it’s winter! I finally got my staff contract at the BBC which I’ve been aiming for since I got back to work, I took on more responsibility at work and challenge myself things I couldn’t do which includes taking a radio show to Belgium and going on tour for a week, which challenged me professionally and personally. It’s hard not to see the win in that isn’t it? I challenged myself to make plans and keep the more in 2017 and to not get freaked out about being out of routine. I’m not gonna lie this is not come easy at all and it’s caused me internal anxiety but I feel that this can only get better? I know I have a long way to go and half the stuff that goes on in my head especially last year isn’t healthy and it’s holding me back but it’s all about progress not perfection right?<br /><br />At the very end of 2017 I went on an unplanned date and it seems to have been the right choice!? It was totally unplanned as I’ve maintained for a long time that I was happy single. But in the last six weeks I have eaten out, I have seen him unexpectedly, I have cooked for him and eating at a restaurant that he chose and I had no idea where I was going all the food I was eating. For those who know what I was like with my ex, after even a year I haven’t cooked for him or let him choose a restaurant. Let’s see how this goes in 2018!<br /><br />Honestly, I’m not sure how much progress I have made in recovery in 2017, because it all seems very different to how I did in previous years. I know I struggled a lot With the guilt of not running and pulling out of races and doing less exercise. This has meant that I have gained weight and I can see it in my body shape and I’m not gonna lie the end of 2017 has been hard to except my changing body. The beginning of 2018 has not made this any easier. I still feel better when I am exercising and running but I’m not sure why I feel better? So I need to sit with this thought and work out what is going on. I feel like I should be running but I also like running will leave that there for now! I have gone back to yoga and about with is expensive and I feel guilty about spending money on it it’s really bloody good for me.<br /><br />I am not going to sit here and make recovery resolutions about gaining weight, making progress in mental recovery, or pledge to let anorexia have less control over me, and so on. Because I don’t know where to start!<br /><br />Mainly because recovery is not that structured any more. I don’t actually think I can plan that any more. I know what I need to work on and I’m very aware of how I still let my eating disorder control me and the bits I think I like. It’s probably going to be a case of riding the waves of 2018 and seeing which ones wash up those habits on different shores. A long time ago I wrote a blog on just keeping swimming and I guess as 2018 starts that’s all I can do.<br />Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-26900007020658301122017-12-22T10:35:00.000+00:002017-12-22T10:43:14.713+00:00What I've learnt about recovery at Christmas"It's the most wonderful time of the year...."<br />
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But it can also be one of the hardest if you're recovering from an eating disorder. The types of food around us, the amount of food around us, the talk of 'Christmas binges' and gaining weight seems to be constant. Then, even before Boxing Day is out, people turn their attention to diets. </div>
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I love Christmas but I hate it too, so these might not work for everyone, but they help me. </div>
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<b>1) Write a festive food plan</b></div>
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Even six years into my own recovery, I dread the 'unorganised' and out of routine eating. So, to combat that I write a special Christmas meal plan for the 24th - 26th December when I am around people and eating at parties when I am not in control or in my usual routine. Of course, ideally I would be okay with food and going with the flow, but I am not. I am also sure I am not alone in this. I try to stick to my usual pattern of eating - <b>Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner with 2 or 3 snacks</b>. I find that helps me not spin 'what have I eaten...have I over eaten.." around my head and allows me to relax more. I do this for Xmas eve, the big day and Boxing Day. </div>
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<b>My plan looks a little like this</b>; In our family the big Christmas dinner is at 1pm. So, I have my breakfast as usual and add some fruit and nuts from around the house to it. I usually see my starter at dinner as my Mid Morning snack, my main meal is my Christmas dinner and the Christmas pudding is my afternoon snack. Then we have a 'tea time' buffet - which generally I add a vegan option to for myself - and some salad. Then for supper, if I can, I let myself have something sweet. I struggle with 'unhealthy' in my head still, so I take it as it comes. Of course , I DO eat more on Christmas Day, than usual...but...</div>
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<b>2) Remind yourself it's just a day (or two) </b></div>
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...that leads me on to this. It is JUST A DAY or I am not going to lie though, I look forward to the 27th and getting back to a stable eating routine. This is how I cope, not necessarily the 'right or wrong' way. Keep it in perspective, and breathe. I repeat to myself, one day eating more than usual will NOT make me fat or greedy, that it is okay. </div>
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<b>3) Pace and portion for yourself</b></div>
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I try whatever I do to not compare my eating to other people around Christmas. Being vegan means I eat differently anyway but also my eating disorder makes me feel different too. But also, because I am sticking to a plan and NOT overeating beyond comfort I need to remind myself that getting hungry at teatime dosen't make me greedy, it is just because I am eating regularly. If it helps, serve your own food, we do this anyway and I only put what I usually eat on my plate. </div>
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<b>4) Take some timeout </b></div>
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I find the whole Yule a little overwhelming with people and food, so don't feel bad for needing some space. I used to journal a lot, and found some Christmas Days I wrote pages and pages to calm down and put things in to perspective. If you need to, go find a quiet space and read a new book or old favorite. You don't need to be 24/7 party mode, if you need a break from the festivities, then have one. I have recently taken up yoga again, so I am going to make sure I get to a class between Xmas and New Year.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc6zGNREBJgdXVI1xBNCAGqChg6WLnBfzMBwUR-GzmwISb9lWzVYb0pzR3fBS0ykI83QF07gG4WUi2GSN9ej5Yy15F3LTwB004b67bE9Izg7b0CP5GN4YZRYLabNItRcNg2X5zSvRq_HA/s1600/epipedo-dwra-640x427.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="427" data-original-width="640" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc6zGNREBJgdXVI1xBNCAGqChg6WLnBfzMBwUR-GzmwISb9lWzVYb0pzR3fBS0ykI83QF07gG4WUi2GSN9ej5Yy15F3LTwB004b67bE9Izg7b0CP5GN4YZRYLabNItRcNg2X5zSvRq_HA/s400/epipedo-dwra-640x427.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b>5) Phone a friend (or helpline)</b></div>
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Even if it is a text message or quick SOS call, just knowing someone else 'gets it' and knows what you're dealing with, it'll help off load (and maybe approach the next tip!) For me, it's my best friend who also has mental health problems. We know we can text each other what we're faced with. If I am sick of getting offered food I don't want for the 100th time - and she's struggling with socializing, I KNOW she's there.</div>
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<i>If you haven't got someone close to you there IS someone to talk to the Samaritans are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week over the Christmas period. You can call them on 08457 90 90 90 or email jo@samaritans.org</i></div>
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<div>
<b>6) Try to use your voice</b></div>
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<div>
Tensions can be fraught at Christmas, aren't they? Most families will have a debate or bicker or two. It's tempting just to sit and suck it up - to hear lots of uncomfortable conversations and not tell people how unhelpful they are. But if you can, and it won't cause WW3 to break out, just politely say that you don't find it helpful to hear here about the calories in foods, or to listen to how people are going to drop the weight in the new year. I know I am one who CAN speak up, and does. </div>
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<div>
<b>7) It doesn't have to be perfect.</b></div>
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I am guilty of wanting Christmas to be 'just so', for everyone to be happy, for things to go to plan and for everyone to have a good time. But that just isn't the case. In 2011 I had the WORST Christmas ever, I was dying, I was in crisis and I had arguments about food and threw my Fortisip at my Mum. I've seen this since as the 'reset' button and since then I have just tried to enjoy moments and appreciate little things. <br />
<br />
<b>8) Be a big kid</b><br />
<br />
I am lucky to be an Aunty so I take the chance to play with their new toys, spend QT with the little ones and have lots of cuddles. How about picking up a game and getting the family to play? It's the little things that make Christmas after all....</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3vK_xlIHJDUKemu5X0-ia3ncMChDmFAWyyBtEC1P2hX3lcMJDOV3DH_WST2qWw9-IUPkT0jQA4QCpdl6qTvHc134_0D5q6-uhK4KKY7i4LWnyc3Cezfm0QdZqqJcwrvtQFmDM-3Roghs/s1600/disaster-stories-x.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="450" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3vK_xlIHJDUKemu5X0-ia3ncMChDmFAWyyBtEC1P2hX3lcMJDOV3DH_WST2qWw9-IUPkT0jQA4QCpdl6qTvHc134_0D5q6-uhK4KKY7i4LWnyc3Cezfm0QdZqqJcwrvtQFmDM-3Roghs/s400/disaster-stories-x.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b>YOU CAN DO THIS! Merry Christmas! </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>*** GET SUPPORT FROM BEAT ***</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Helpline opening times</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
1 December - 24 December: 3-10pm</div>
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Christmas Day: 6-10pm</div>
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Boxing Day: 6-10pm</div>
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27 December - 2 January: 3-10pm</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
During this time you can contact our Helpline Advisors by:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Picking up the phone and calling 0808 801 0611 for the Adult Helpline, 0808 801 0711 for the Youthline</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sending an email to help@beateatingdisorders.org.uk or the Youthline fyp@beateatingdisorders.org.uk</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Accessing our one-to-one chat service</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sending a direct message on Twitter to @BeatEDSupport</div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services/christmas-services-2018</div>
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Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-66136759807887916772017-11-16T15:21:00.000+00:002017-11-16T15:21:23.964+00:00Recovery Journals Throwback (16th November)<div style="border-top: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border: none; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-element: para-border-div; padding: 1.0pt 0cm 0cm 0cm;">
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<b>Wednesday 16<sup>th</sup> November 2011 <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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I still keep getting these pangs of panic in the pit of my
stomach when I think about the amount of calories I am consuming. I have this
anxiety that might only take over me for a minute or even a second but it
bothers me that it feels like I am out of control. It makes me feel like I am
on a one track mission to being fat. I am getting better at noticing these
thoughts and trying to switch my thinking and be realistic when I notice, but
it is too late once I have thought it and have already panicked. I am trying
hard to keep thinking positive and to remember that gaining weight and
improving health is good, weight gain at the moment is good, and no matter HOW
scary it is, it is needed and vital for my life to move on. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I am excited about seeing XXX tomorrow, but I am also
nervous, because it throws my usual routine out because someone will be here. I
also feel like I am hard work to be with. I struggle to relax still and just be
me, and sit back and talk freely and enjoy my time with friends. I think it
hurts so much and I find it so hard to do because it is a clear reminder of the
‘face’ I put on and the act I put on for so long to convince people I am okay. When I do relax or at least make myself make conversation and
be sociable, I feel weird, pretending again and that scares me because when
everything is ‘okay’, when I manage to keep a lid on my anorexic thoughts and
problems and talk about other stuff, and push ana to the back of my mind I feel
like I am faking it again when I think about it, talk about it or acknowledge
my ED behaviors again. I am worried about going to the cinema, about feeling
like I can’t have sweets or just let myself have popcorn from the cinema and I
am worried I won’t relax. I am hoping I can, I am hoping that watching the film
will help me forget about my ED for a minute. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I want to be me again, I want to be warm (why is it SO
cold!) and I REALLY hope the next two days will help not hinder me.
I am scared I’ll go into super defensive mode and make a point of negatives not
positives to remind people how shit I feel. I don’t WANT to do this. I want to
be positive about the future, not negative. I want to NOT feel jealous when she talks about her new job etc. because I need to be happy for her and NOT
compare my life. Fingers crossed. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Friday 16<sup>th</sup> November 2012 <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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I WISH I COULD SAY I GAVE A SHIT BUT I feel so tired slash
drunk that I really don’t care. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I really can't even
be bothered to write in my journal. <o:p></o:p></div>
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All I will say is that I messed up, I thought id kicked ass,
I thought id nail something, I believed for a second that Id done something
really good, I totally let myself believe I’d done well, and guess what? I
FUCKING DIDN’T. I screwed it – like that helped matters? Like that helps me
disprove my own theory of being SHIT. It really didn’t. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I really can't be
bothered to explain, like its relevant to anyone but me anyway, but this is WHY
I should not care and should not believe that I am ok or that I will do ok. I
won’t. I can't be arsed to get in to
details. I know what I did. But I am not happy tonight and thanks to my own
incompetence I probably feel like shit tomorrow as well as feeling guilty for
the 100 extra (minimum) calories that my rum has in it. I am fat anyway. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I don’t care if people tell me ‘it’s ok, everyone makes
mistakes’ they don’t realise how much of a set back this is, I DARED to believe
for a MOMENT I had done well, and I fucked it up. So I needed the rum, and to throw a knife across my flat, </div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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I need to not give a shit – I wish I didn’t give a shit but
its just THERE in my head making me feel HORRIBLE. JUST GOING ROUND AND ROUND
all the time. Every time I think about something - I go back to not being able to change the
fact I messed up. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-52765978100754474952017-11-12T15:06:00.003+00:002017-11-12T15:06:59.911+00:00Recovery Journals Throwbacks (11th & 12th Nov)<b><i>I am starting to sort through journals I kept through recovery and these are extracts from this weekend in 2011 and 2012. This was around 3 months then a year into treatment, it highlights the underlying thoughts that carried through and some of which remain 6 years on. </i></b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Friday 11th November 2011 </b></div>
<br />
When will this stop? When will I get a firm grasp on what the HELL is going on in my head and with my body?<br />
<br />
I know I felt like this last week to, like there was NO CHANCE I could have LOST weight, but I have. It is yet again more proof that my feelings and anorexic thoughts are pretty much the complete opposite of fact. I don’t understand how I can feel SO certain that I will have gained, or at the very least maintained and then be half a kilo lighter. How can I feel so much fatter and not BE so much fatter? It just mixes up my emotions even more than they were already. I am going to focus on keeping Ana quiet about this loss and really try and use it as ammunition AGAINST her games. I have to, because like Wendy explained, the LOWER MY WEIGHT DROPS, THE WEAKER I BECOME, THE STRONGER ANA’S THOUGHTS AND CONTROL BECOMES. This means that no matter what I do and how much I am trying to eat and recover, Ana is there, creeping up on my, pound by pound.<br />
<br />
It was a bit of a wakeup call that Wendy mentioned that both her and Fiona thought I looked thinner and not very well at the moment – because I get conflicting messages from different people saying I look ill, tired or some saying that I look really well and much better. But I suppose I have chosen the pictures people see on FB, to present a Sarah that is okay, coping and getting better, when reality might be very different. There is no hiding from W or F though, and I don’t want to hide either, but it is so much harder than I thought to give over EVERYTHING and bare all too. I do trust that they don’t judge me, but opening up about all the thoughts feel so alien sometimes. It also feels fake sometimes too, because it doesn’t feel like me or my thoughts because I’ve never said them out loud or thought of them in certain ways. But it is me and it is real isn’t it?<br />
<br />
WHEN I RELAX ABOUT FOOD, WHEN IT FEELS EASIER TO EAT, WHEN I AM HUNGRY AND NOTICE I IS NOT ME LOSING CONTROL….IT’S ME WINNING<br />
<br />
AND MY GOD I need to remember this. I need to remember that it is okay to enjoy food and for it to be easier and less scary to eat. That is a snippet of how people function WITHOUT Ana controlling them. Yes, these moments are still rare for me, but I continue to make myself feel bad and guilty about them when they happened anyway, so they feel like bad feelings and thoughts, not positive ones. Ana has convinced me for so long that these are WEAK feelings, like being hungry. Really, I know I should be embracing these new feelings, I should be glad I am starting to feel them and I should be AIMING to feel them all the time.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Sunday 11th November 2012</b></div>
<b><br /></b>
I looked chunky and fat next to her, but she said she thought I looked small, thin, underweight, I can't remember which word she used, and I can't actually say that I believe her at all? I don’t understand why she’s say that when I don’t look thin – when I am NOT underweight anymore. I don’t believe it at all, but she did say it. I like the honesty she has like, that she still thinks certain ways that could be anorexia talking but she KNOWS that and is aware and deals with it, but realistically isn’t a denial frame of mind that she’s ‘perfectly recovered’ but more that she lives life but knows when thoughts aren't helpful – which is sort of inspiring really.<br />
<br />
I guess that acts as a reminder that it is ok to struggle sometimes or look back as long as you don’t GO BACK – and struggles mean you just need to be more aware – NOT That everything is going wrong.<br />
<br />
I am really trying NOT to focus on bad bits things that could have been better or on trying to work out how much I have eaten. But I do feel tired and LOW tonight – the Sunday blues, I don’t know – maybe it’s a reminder that I don’t have a social life and that I have work to do.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Saturday 12th November 2011</b></div>
<br />
I hate that some mornings, like now, I wake up mega early when I really need the sleep. No matter how hard I try and relax I can’t go back to sleep. What I hate EVEN more is that my thoughts are instantly consumed by food. Today I KNEW I’d be having a sandwich and THEN halloumi cheese later too, food was the first thing I thought about, followed quickly about what time I would ‘allow’ myself to have breakfast. Apparently Ana says 8am! It’s ridiculous and I hate it. I hate that my ED makes food the central focus of my thoughts, but it’s always been that way I think. I don’t remember a time ever when I didn’t worry about the ‘consequences’ of eating something or a time when I didn’t make the food I was going to or the food I just consumed the focal point on my mind. The fear has shifted over time, from sick, to fat, to sick, to greedy. But now, as well as worrying about calorie content and the ‘effect’ the food will have on my weight, my body shape, on the way I appear to others, I still worry about food making me sick. Like I didn’t trust xxx to make my dinner last night, like he wouldn’t do it right because of contamination, the kitchen wasn’t clean enough AND he couldn’t make the correct amount of food. The internal monologue from morning to the moment I fall asleep at night REALLY does my head in.<br />
<br />
I keep thinking about calories today too, anything I eat I am thinking about how much more I am eating than before, I keep going over and over the rest of the day, thinking about how much I have left to eat and panicking about it.<br />
<br />
In my head I need to realise that me going ‘tomorrow’ will be a ‘better’ day is Ana thinking that tomorrow she’ll get away with sneaking in restricting more, making me eat less because I ‘picked’ today at cake. She convinces me that I can ‘make up for’ being ‘bad’ today \and eating too much. But I know I need to just stick to my meal plan tomorrow. I am worried that tomorrow is the most ‘open’ day on my plan thought and how AN thoughts could take over. But now I have made myself aware of this I NEED to fight it and if I want to get better, that’s my only option.<br />
<br />
I just want a new day now please…<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Monday 12th November 2012</b></div>
<br />
I feel like I have SO much going on – that I don’t have time or energy to do things I need to – like there aren’t enough hours in the day and that I am going to forget things – and miss things and annoy people and I just feel – a bit all over the place and like I am so busy at signal that I can’t do things – like sort out my doctors note – my benefits and everything. I don’t know how to deal with the stress of all that.<br />
<br />
I keep feeling guilty about having two hot chocolates and that’s on my mind now –and just having some cereal with my custard, while I was waiting for it to cook WHY DID I EAT IT? I don’t understand. It’s so much easier when I don’t – it hurts my head less. I keep thinking when I walk to the station too – to keep myself going and not feel emotional that I feel in a total rush the whole time – I just keep hoping and thinking about burning the calories by walking fast. That’s not good is it? I just don’t want to gain weight and I feel all these things are really important in that.<br />
<br />
It’s like loads of plates are spinning and I don’t know which to stop first. Or which to fight and which are ok.<br />
<br />
<br />
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Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-78727294095156775612017-11-11T21:22:00.004+00:002017-11-12T15:13:55.651+00:00Not okay in my own skin Thighs that rub together and look chunky in tights. That feeling of a bra digging into flesh on my sides. Clothes hanging to my bloated stomach that has suddenly become a lot more prominent than it was. A face that is round and sides that are square, not narrow. Thicker. Wider. Bigger. Heavier.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And it’s all my fault.<div>
<br />That’s how I feel right now. I’m confused. Because I still don’t my allow myself many pure carbs, I rarely have sweets or chocolate. I can’t remember the last time I ate a slice of cake but hey, I’m fine. Not. I blame myself because I have stupid greedy habits, like needing mints or sugar free hard boiled herbals to calm anxiety about getting ill. I have jars of dried fruits that I pick at and I drink two hot chocolates a night out of habit and fear of being hungry over night (hangover from strict anorexia) and I don’t rub, I don’t exercise regularly and I hate myself for it.<br /><br />It occurred to me at the till in a shop the other day - when a white chocolate kitKat caught my eye. Not only would I not buy it, ever. But that there is often FEWER calories in my evening meal than that chocolate bar. Really. This was something I was going to write down like a friend suggested to make a stock take of anorexic habits - that’s one. Fear of snacks other than fruit or controlled popcorns or seeds. <br /><br />I can’t explain the disgust I have for myself for eating the bits I do without measuring. The dried fruits, the booze or the extra spoonful of cereal. I just want to Bin it all. I realise this is anorexia. I just don’t actually think I have the tools to accept this is okay. <br /><br />I shouldn’t have seen the scales the other day. They’re playing on my mind. I don’t know how I’ve eaten the same and gained 3kg - unless it’s the booze, mints and lack of exercise - in which case my overwhelming instinct is to STOP The extra eating and actually move more again. I say I don’t like skeletal, I don’t. I just don’t like being this size either. <br /></div>
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Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-40106501808593950932017-11-01T16:18:00.000+00:002017-11-01T16:18:13.125+00:00Thought splurges and avoiding urges...I often talk about anorexia in the past tense, like "because I battled with anorexia..." or "when I was ill with anorexia..." and so on, but I know WHY I do that, NOT because I consider myself over it, or fully recovered as some people say, but because it's like I have to justify my illness or recovery.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's easier to say 'when I was ill' than it is to start explaining the fact that I am not critically ill, or acutely ill, or in need of hospitalization or treatment - but anorexia is still there. I am not underweight or particularly have 'that' all-so-stigmatized 'look' but I still have anorexic issues.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Like for instance going for my bone scan today, thanks anorexia, my bones are getting progressively more shit. I had to say I haven't has periods for 6 years, explain the whole anorexia thing, explain I wasn't pregnant (I wish, but that would need a male involvement too!) and then get weighed, and seeing 3kg more on the scales than I roughly thought. Great. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
I'd already had a headful of shit this morning. My old urges to BIN all the food because I don't like having things like dried fruit or nuts in the house because I eat them as snacks, grazing. I was letting the thoughts of guilt about the lack of running or general exercise spin - I haven't had time to and couldn't be bothered. </div>
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I woke up and body checked and stood infront of the mirror with my bloated belly sticking out just asking (out loud I add) WHY the fuck I have to have this SHITTY body and stomach and why my legs feel fat and why I don;t have the motivation to improve it. I also know my improvements lead to weight loss and that doesn't end well.</div>
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I think of all the changes I could make to improve my mental health and not feel these things, but those improvements are 1) cutting down on the non-planned meals or snacks 2) regular exercise 3) new clothes that hide me 4) a boob job (seriously considering it) and just generally hiding. But I know these are anorexia's solutions.</div>
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Thing is the healthy solutions, like chilling the FUCK out don't seem viable when I am stuck in this half recovery. The still feel shit. I know someone will comment about how therapy would help me right now, but you know what - they said no again. So don't try. Plus, I know the techniques, I know I have to be open to change thought paths and habits - but I haven't got the faith in me or anyone else to do that. I know I made mistakes by making these habits way back, the ways of compromising with Ana to make life livable. I made this bed and I am going to have to lie in it aren't I? </div>
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Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-65860813963998058392017-10-01T08:16:00.002+01:002017-10-01T08:19:44.338+01:00Is there a fix out there?<p>Why am I wired to worry so much and look for problems and try to fix imperfections? It's exhausting, it really is. Do you know what I mean?</p>
<p>At the moment it's my body and the way I eat (irresponsibly in my head). It's also money, I don't feel like I have enough and that I'm spending too much flippantly. The flippant goes for food too. </p>
<p>One theory is that my house and job are as secure as they've been since before I was ill. In fact, both are better than ever. I own my home and I love my job. Two things that I didn't have in London. I have my little kitten and I haven't got dramas with family or friends to worry about. I like who the hell I like and if I don't like them. I don't see or talk those people. Fully in control.</p>
<p>Talking about control...I was coming to that. I don't feel capable of controlling my body any more. I don't feel like I am in control of food and when unexpected bills come in (like this week!) I don't feel in control of that. I don't like that.</p><p>Let's start with my body. I hate it. I'm stuck between wishing I was perfect like I used to wish...you know, the perfect that doesn't exist because I can't describe it. I just hate my stomach, my legs feeling 'thick' my arms looking bigger than they have. My shapeless torso, or the barrel I've always called it. I hate that my boobs haven't grown back to 36C they were. Yes the 36 makes me feel grotesque but the C would be nice. Then my crappy GP weighed me and it was WAY higher than expected - I know why, end of the day, fully clothed, needed a wee and old mechanical scales....regardless, I don't feel like there is a solution to these thoughts and feelings. But I want to fix them.</p>
<p>Then it turns to food and calories. I feel like I am eating too freely and too much 'unknown' calorific foods. By that I mean too many nuts and dried fruits not Doughnuts or crisps or whatever. I feel like a fool for having too many cappuccinos or by using oat milks with 50kcal per 100ml because it makes me feel better than daily skimmed (vegan/vegetarian belief wise) but makes me feel shit for the extra intake. I feel like I over eat every freaking day because I track around 1500 of those calories but don't count my milk. And that means I must be way over. And I still have issues with carbs and snacks that aren't fruit. </p>
<p><b>Money</b>. Well I am not broke by any means, but I am not happy with my bank balance. I have money in my account and savings. Enough to cover my mortgage and other outgoings for a month if I needed to. But I am still worrying about it. But not uncontrollably I just feel guilty and frivolous and irresponsible. The same feelings I have about the way I eat. I am constantly looking at how I could sell things to make money and top up/counteract my spending. Part of this is not ever wanting debt like before, or to not realise what I spend, like not wanting to not know what I eat. I remember in the past walking around Westfield London, eating food I didn't know the calories of, lattes I don't know what milk they used and spending £100s on clothes and make up I couldn't afford. </p>
<p>The issue is here I hated that Sarah. I was looking for a fix or solution back then. And I still am her, there's the issue. The only thibg in my life ever to take that away was anorexia and what keeps me going and writing this and still eating and sitting still is the fact that despite not being happy about myself, I am aware anorexia is NOT the solution to fix those things. </p>
<p>But I still want to fix them....</p>
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Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-56902660242013773292017-09-19T20:50:00.001+01:002017-09-19T20:50:50.686+01:00Why I'm jealous of dieters <p>I try to protest that I'm not influenced by society that much when it comes to diets and weight loss talk going on around me, but I am starting to realise how much I probably am affected.</p><p>It REALLY annoys me that it affects me though, because the same old advise seems so easy to dish out...."Don't compare yourself...", "Ignore it..." and the worst..."But you don't need to lose weight so why does it bother you..."</p><p>It bothers me because I remember how good losing weight made me feel, how eurphoic it left me, how proud I was of the numbers going down, my body reducing and my ability to survive on as little food as possible. It was something I became good at.</p><p>When people talk about 'good and bad' foods and being 'good and bad' with eating and exercise. When they talk numbers and goal weights, as wave of thoughts and jealous comes over me and I'm overwhelmed with what I feel and what I think I shouldn't or should feel instead. </p><p>Some of it is because I see my body and just think a few less calories a day and a few pounds lighter would improve me. Some of it is competitiveness at wanting to be the woman who can shed the most and then there are the pangs of wishing I had weight to lose to 'join in'. </p><p>I think one of the most misunderstood bits of anorexia recovery for me is how much having my issues with food and body isolates me from so many conversations people have in everyday life. I don't think people realise it's like talking about booze and drinking reaptedly in the company of a recovering alcoholic, but that's what it is.</p><p>It feeds the illness, the addiction to calories, food and diets. It is painful and confusing, but the thing is, if I speak up about how it affects me (and I am guessing so many other people) I'll be told that I am in the minority and to just 'ignore' the 'diet and weight loss chat' but it's not that easy, In fact it's really fucking hard. </p>Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-88953792864028582862017-09-11T09:07:00.004+01:002017-09-11T09:31:58.985+01:00When anorexia takes over afterthoughts <br />
*trigger warning, I talk about calories, please look after your own recovery*<br />
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So, last week I pushed myself and my anxieties and produced an international broadcast for work, high pressure, all my planning and with my own standards to hit. I am proud of our coverage and I don't often say that, but I am. I could pick at the bits that could have gone better, but I'm doing the positive thing and learning from them. You wonder where the negatives are coming from then, right? <br />
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Well. Me. Food and body. Calories.<br />
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Being on the road, in a hotel and eating in restaurants for most of the week means my head is going round and round about how much I have over eaten in the last 7 days. This is where the negatives begin.<br />
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<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtOGnETJtBnU5dUf_fneGBM4Wd0Iw_zoN8gezu0R1UDZATmLMfSD2kf92BblDM4l-FMsFXDqI2v6fUD3GXNRqds5zYR8G6GK4x4MAK5xtSXtZDoO-hroC07x41p8GmOiiwgjhY9T2AS4I/" /><br />
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Artichoke and Olive Salad in Folkstone.<br />
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Tomato soup and bread<br />
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<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzuNDU6MUWXvWHeZr4MQ_9S5KeooCUMmlCmK61zCe1fwpJ-8lQgpOOWV1jJl04MGdt377avpdnmQXZiV41ZDAEVL2w-r1i-kOwcy8Ninybna3ew7NoIteGbUBeaKhUDzmzivFEB9P382Y/" /><br />
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Beligum Goats Cheese, Apple and Olive Salad<br />
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It's probably the most I've eaten out consecutively in about 7 years, the least control I've had in the last 7 years, the most causal evening drinks I've had and although I estimated calories each meal and day and kept my usual 'tabs' on myself. I just feel grosse. <br />
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I feel like I have ballooned. I am the stereotypical 'been away and gained a stone' woman and I hate every inch of it. Really I do. <br />
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In reality I'm guessing I ate around 2000 calories each day. And yes, I was busy, travelling, broadcasting and had long days. Around these meals it was porridge pots for breakfast, fruit and M&S salads for lunch or dinner...Regarless, that all feels excessive for me. It does. I know that's the RDA for a 32 year old woman. But I do usually have around 1500 on a daily basis. And no I don't lose weight on that. <br />
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It was hard eating abroad and I did challenge myself to order things and pick at bread and sides. I had salads where I could, soup one evening and no, I was in Belgium and didn't have waffles or more than a sample of chocolate. But I feel crap about my orders in some restaurants which were higher calories than what other people ordered. And even 6 days on, I still feel that sense of regret for consuming more calories than I 'needed' to. <br />
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That happened yesterday when I went for Sunday Lunch for a friend's mini hen meal, I had a veggie Pattie with the brioche bun and swapped chips for salad and scrapped the onion rings. But I checked the calories AFTERWARDS and it was 1200 for the meal and trimmings. And I wish I'd ordered a salad. I enjoyed the burger but just got that regrets and the 'maths' afterward today working out what the meal i consumed was. It feels like I made the wrong choice.<br />
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I am on leave from work this week and although I want to make the most of the down time and rest and visit people the idea of not having my standard food/meals Is bothering me. I feel the GREED needs to stop. <br />
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I don't know if I said. But I weighed myself the other week on my neighbour's scales and my weight was pretty stable. Up slightly. Still under 60kg (my original target when at EDU) and no. I'm still not having periods. But my god. I just see the barrel in the Mirror and feel like in need to cover up my body. Don't even talk to me about the formal dresses I need to buy for a few occasions coming up. <br />
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It's almost harder that I know this all so logically now and I don't get highly anxious about ordering or eating food, but that doesn't mean anorexia isn't still there. It is. She is. Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-29312281342044332122017-08-21T17:50:00.000+01:002017-08-21T17:59:38.472+01:00Was it something I said?A passing thought for many from time to time, but possibly one of the consuming thoughts I have on a daily, maybe even hourly basis. It's either something I said, did or didn't do or something I am likely to do or say, because, well I always mess it up.<br />
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It's not just a thought or two from time to time though. It's everything and more often or not I just can't let it go. I think I must have annoyed someone about something. I don't stop there though, I then go into overdrive thinking about how I can make up for it, or apologise for myself. </div>
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I don't remember not thinking like this though, like I have 'messed up' or done something wrong, worried that it's likely to have annoyed or inconvenienced other people. These are old school thoughts. Of course they've evolved over time. From worrying about friends, family or colleagues, the basis is the same. It's my fault. </div>
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What I do know and feel still is how anorexia will try and try to convince me this is just the way I am. A woman full of mistakes, a woman likely to make mistakes and make other people think as badly of me as she does.</div>
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It's the same fault I feel my body is, the same mistakes I worry about when it comes to eating or just being or running. The same way I look for ways to ease the mistakes or fix them. Undo the wrong I have done. The way I look, dress or act in any given situation or environment. That it's not up to standard. Was I too loud? Did I react quickly enough at work, should I have invited other people or could I have done more to help. </div>
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One of my favourite quotes cut out of The Sunday Times for me by my former therapist is an Eleanor Roosevelt one "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realised how seldom they do..." Which I can logically get to. Sometimes people's behaviour, moods, actions, conversations, looks or emails are less about ME and more about them, scrap that. They are mostly always about them, not me. But try telling my brain that. Nah-na. </div>
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It's hard to explain the impact this has one me. I know I can't expect perfection, to never say anything or do anything wrong. I can't be firing on all cylinders, keeping everyone happy all the time. It's not even a people pleasing things, like for some. It's like I just don't want people to hate me or have reason to (what my teenage self would say) "slag me off.." or moan about me. </div>
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But the biggest slagger-offer is mysef. And that is painful, because it actually IS something I said, to myself. </div>
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Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-56966955694068484392017-08-14T18:54:00.003+01:002017-08-14T19:28:11.289+01:00Oh, it's different now, okay?<br />
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One thing I find 'this side' of treatment, and by that I mean I'm no longer in treatment, Is it is much harder to express how I feel and how I get on with life. It's actually now six year since I was referred and labelled with this anorexia nervosa thing.<br />
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I'm not going to try and kid anybody that I get on with life without any issues. Quite clearly I do have many. In the same way I have never called myself recovered, like some people have when clearly they're not. But nor do I identify with 'being anorexic' any more. I feel like that chapter has gone. Although, do I actively anorexic behaviours? Yes. By that I mean anorexic behaviours like counting calories and body checking, and so on. And yes my own judgement of myself is that my life isn't 'Stereotypically' what society sees as anorexic. I'm just going on my own experience here. <br />
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All I know is I feel and act differently to when I first became very ill. My behaviours, thoughts and life is a world apart from when I was actively in treatment. The structure of treatment at EDU means that is always going to be different. But it's also different from when I was just leaving EDU. I have more life around me, I'm more settled and have routines and structure to my life. But the thing is, If I bared all of my thoughts and habits, many of you'd have me rediagnosed (aside from my BMI!).<br />
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If I'm honest, no. I don't 'feel like one of those women' - again, THANKS to society - who live life dictated by anorexia or someone who acts on all those thoughts or feelings. I am not. I am not a wallflower or live consumed. But I am someone, like I've always been that finds way to cope and just gets on with those thoughts and just gets on. Until I cry or splurge like this. <br />
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I count calories to keep myself in check, and instead of cutting them or restricting more if I feel guilty or worried, I just give myself a hard time about it. I have habits rules and ways of dealing with situations. I hate my body. I feel fat and although I don't know my weight anymore, I was in a healthy BMI and I know i've gained, because my clothes don't fit. I feel disgusted with my stomach STILL for instance. I'm pissed off when people thinner than me have a go at my diet or life habits or preach recovery. Yes. I am jealous sometimes that they get to be 'skinny and happy' - they probably aren't. I feel lazy and shit for not exercising or running. Really lazy and I actually miss that freedom. But I can rarely be arsed either. I want people to tell me I am fat or lazy. Self-fulfilling and all that. <br />
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Food wise, okay. There was concern over my 450kcal breakfast being my biggest meal. I get that. I have issues and rules and have problems with SO MANY Foods. Loads of problems. I also am generally healthy and it's not wrong to eat the way I want to eat either, I've been vegetarian and pretty much vegan most of my life, and have food issues not related to ED too. But do I get annoyed at myself for what I consider my bad habits? Yes. I hate that I 'trust' nuts, hot chocolates or dried fruit or handfuls of cereal or allow myself to take up an offer of a sweet. Honestly, I miss my fucked up 'will power' I do. I will eat out if I NEED to, but don't always choose to. Then I usually have a salad. I have the same lunches generally - because I trust them. And when I am out of these routines, I spend more time than normal planning and finding ways to control my food. Like tomorrow, work means I can't have my usual lunch at my usual time and that makes me unsettled. And so on....<br />
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Despite all this. I get on. Yes. It's disordered. But in my own ordered way. Maybe it'll happen along the way sometime, when it 'clicks' we are they say. When some time passes or someone comes into my life or whatever. But what I do know is that until that moment, I guess life will continue like this? I know no one else can 'fix this' and that annoys me. The ED services I was referred back to earlier this year said I was doing okay and better than most - and I was too 'therapied out' for general NHS bog-standard talking therapies. Apparently. <br />
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So just let me find my path...and you find yours. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like this? <br />
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xSarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-91912251798508677342017-08-11T18:31:00.001+01:002017-08-11T18:31:59.778+01:00I don't like it. Any of it. I am gaining weight. I don't like it.<br />
I am letting myself eat more than 12 months ago. I don't like it.<br />
I am letting myself drink more booze. I don't like it.<br />
I am letting myself buy milky coffees most days.<br />
I eat more nuts and dried fruit again.... <br />
I don't like my clothes feeling tighter, or having to buy a bigger size.<br />
I don't like my body at all. Particularly my stomach and bloated torso.<br />
I don't like that I let myself do this.<br />
I hate the fact I have stopped exercising so much.<br />
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But I am letting myself do all this within rules. I could bullshit myself and say that I don't feel disordered but I am not in the bullshit game. And on the flipside...<br />
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I don't like that I still have SO MANY food rules.<br />
I am stopping doing things I like. I don't like it.<br />
I hate that I still count calories. But I do it.<br />
I hate that my negative self talk win.<br />
I hate that my life is still organised by food.<br />
I am too sensitive and I don't like it.<br />
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But none of this is all-consuming. Just consuming sometimes. It ebbs and flows and feels like it used to back in the days before anorexia took control. Just frustrated and scathing of myself. Blaming myself for all of this, not knowing how to fix it.<br />
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I don't even feel like I can even BE anorexic and know turning that way doesn't fix things in the long run. I don't like not thinking I have options.<br />
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I don't like this half life. But the first list means I am stuck here.Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-37753634887816109072017-07-12T18:34:00.000+01:002017-07-12T18:48:24.122+01:00I get by with a little help from...?...well, I don't know how I get by to be perfectly honest with you. I just do.<br />
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Despite having regular moments of complete self-doubt, many moments of body checking and negative self talk. Despite living with the guilt of feeling greedy, despite not eating half of the foods I know I should. I get by with the rules I live by, the routine I crave and I get by with only the odd melt downs to friends.I get by with making sense of changing my 'menu' if I need to, I get by when I am too fed up to even give a sh*t.<br />
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Generally I think I get by with a *little* help because I am so god damn determined not to completely f*ck up my life (AGAIN). I get by with the tools I learnt in therapy to argue back with more logical suggestions or reasoning. I get by living on my terms and within 'accepted' guides.<br />
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People often ask me 'what support are you getting...' well, none. <i>But I don't know what support I need, or want. T<b>hat's the problem. I don't know what the issue IS exactly. Other than feeling the same as I used to about vast parts of my life. I don't have a solution to fix this. </b></i><br />
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It's the same old "I am not good enough to do that...", "I will mess that up...", "I look fat/ugly/scruffy/wrong/not good enough", "I have nothing to wear because I don't fit in clothes"... Or maybe its at work..."I hope they don't hate me"...."It's my fault..", "I've done something wrong.." issues AND I still feel the absolute fear of actually going for something, despite wanting to do it. I hate how all this worry and anxiety means I come across way more negative a person than I actually am.<br />
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When I've said something in response or done something that I know is driven by my lack of self-belief or my fear of failing at it, or I am faced with something I am not fully sure of, I HATE my gut reaction. I instantly know what I have done, and I hate it. It also becomes another thing I beat myself up about.<br />
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But I digress, I get by with a little....well, a lot of rules and habits which I really don't like breaking. I get by in life by sticking to the rules. I'd love to not sure 'get by' with a little of anything. But in all honesty, I can't imagine life any different to this at the moment. When I say that, my best mate hates it. although, it's true. I can't.<br />
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I have always just 'got through' or 'got by' even when I HATE my body, HATE my habits and HATE that I am in the 'almost disordered' place, where I don't listen fully to anorexia - but don't TRUST or really WANT to push in the opposite direction, because to be quite honest I already dislike the feel and look of my body and don't really like what I perceive as greedy - and the fact I eat anyway and don't exercise. I sound like a broken record here, but it is just doubting EVERYTHING, it doubting the food I eat, doubting my ability at work, doubting what others tell me, and on...and on...Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-77460436243720578102017-02-01T20:42:00.003+00:002017-07-12T18:37:39.547+01:00Living by the rule book <br /><br />What I was given yesterday was permission to publish version two of the anorexic rule book that I've learnt to live by. A redrafted edition. <br /><br />It's not like the edition I lived by back then, not like it was before. By giving me this permission in my head -is basically stating that I am okay and can be 'content' and cope with living within the restrictions this rule book states. It's normal and okay that I still put these controls on my life. What I don't get there is that she can't see that I opened up and said the reason I can't commit to therapy fully, give my self over and burn the book - is not because I am not fed up with the way I'm living, I am. I'm too addicted to the rules and I know they hold me back. But it's about trust. I don't trust anyone at all that it can be different for me. I also need to turn pages carefully because of the commitment I have to my life too. By that I mean work, mortgage and my plans.<div>
<br />It's just yet more proof services take their eye off the ball when you've got a high-functioning mental illness. When you're able to read and live by anorexic rules day to day to cope with life, but when you're able to be a 'rebel' and break the rules from time to time. <br /><br /><br />It's like eating disorders services are almost relieved that one of me comes along now and then. Self aware enough to write my own rules to cope, with the awareness that going back to volume one is NOT the life I want or need. But still not being able to put the rules down. <br /><br />Unable to trust myself or my body to cope without them. Worried that living without them would be too much to bear. Apparently, when I can't break the rules any more and my life is governed by them completely, that's when they'll help me put it down. <br /><br />I was sat there, admitting that I still live by the rule book, still count calories, still hate my body, still hate when I break them, still control everyone and everything I can to stick to them - and still know I'd be better with help to get rid of the book - but nothing. <br /><br />Apparently, It's my fault for not trusting that burning the book would be the best thing to do. Maybe I needed help lighting the match and watching the pages burn...but I don't have a light, that's why I went back, but they can't help. <br /><br />So I'll keep the book under my pillow for now. I need it like in needed a security blanket as a child. After all, I am able to break the rules from time to time. So what harm does keeping the book do? Really. <br /><br />Hmmm. <br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-10075338789251317822017-01-24T21:02:00.002+00:002017-01-24T21:02:29.472+00:00Worrying about being a worrier <div>
I am just a worrier I get that but when I'm worrying about worrying, I can't stop worrying about it. </div>
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I don't really know what to do about it ether. That worries me. I worry about how much I end up worrying about anything from the food I eat (yes the calories!), my body, my weight - right through to forgetting something on my to-do list, to what I said a year ago to somebody. </div>
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I know this is anxiety in its very basic form, and it is this that I deal with on a daily, hourly, minute-by minute basis sometimes. </div>
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For me though, the problem is I just see it as norma, because I am used to dealing with it like this. I guess is somebody else came into my brain and had a wander round they would tell me that it's not right I get back. Does everybody worry like this?</div>
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I worry because I didn't reply to any email in the right tone at work, does everybody worry about what the family think about something they have said or done? Or about upsetting someone unintentionally.</div>
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It's not always about other people's opinions of me though, it's more about trying to protect myself or predict the outcome of situations most of the time. It is like my biggest fear is 'messing up' or for things that are going okay, turning and going bad. It's why I don't embrace good times - because 9/10 I'm just scared about WHEN I'll mess up.</div>
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So if I'm looking at events or planning something. I know I will worry about everything from travel</div>
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Logistics, to timing to the food, what I wear to when I'll be able to go home. So, sometimes that's why is easier not to go all all. But when I do go, it's the planning organisation and worrying that drives me insane and also takes the edge off what I am doing. Don't people see that my 'amazing organisation' is a way to cope? To mitigate against the fear?</div>
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It's often said that worrying sucks the joy out of life and I guess it does. This worry and anxiety doesn't cause me nightmares, but I do recognise that it does snuff out some joy of life. </div>
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Add to that the fact that I have learnt to internalise my worry and not have panic attacks like I used to any more, I think my worrying can come across as rude sometimes or like I'm not fully 'there'. Sometimes I think people could see this need to check things are okay as needy or needing compliments or approval. It's not. I'm just trying to get through the day. I don't even know what to say about the worrying either or why I'm like this. I mean on a scale of 1 to major worrier, it's closer to the worry end, but in the grand scheme of things I cope with it.</div>
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The problem is that I recognise that is worrying it eating me alive sometimes, especially when I think I've messed up or cause problems for other people and I know it's not about me, it's their reaction. You can tell me that hundred thousand times over and over again but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I do accept that at the time I always worry some people are not worried. But what gets me is when I worry about things from so many different angles and I get muddled up trying take worrying away on multiple platforms, which is then setting myself up for failure to start with. </div>
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I'm sick of worrying about worrying though, I'm sick of driving myself mad trying to come up with a plan I'm sick of worrying about whether I'm doing the right thing by somebody or for somebody. I'm worried that it is me who has upset you and worried about people's lives and I know I can't solve that, like I've already said but I can't switch the worry button off. </div>
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I realise that worrying about weight, body or food is directly anorexia, I know it is and that's where I still need the help but at the end of the day they are going to give same rhetoric over and over again until we've gone full circle. Maybe I just need to let it be. I've tried and I guess I'm always going to think like that and it's up to me to change.</div>
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I have moments where I don't worry don't get me wrong, there are the moments I feel more carefree, but nine times out of 10 and most hours I'm worrying about something or other, but not too extreme, just got niggling internal worries.</div>
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I've got very good at hiding or passing off with being tired and not having slept up feeling ill and it is that bit that is the lie, it's not that I'm actually okay, it's that I've learnt to feel okay about worrying. Because I lost faith that it'll ever be different. </div>
Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-91986276251068701812017-01-22T10:25:00.001+00:002017-01-22T10:34:18.461+00:00(Un)comfortably Numb<div style="text-align: justify;">
There are a few things swirling through my head this morning and I need to get them out: </div>
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1) I feel <b>UNCOMFORTABLE </b>in my skin today, clothes are digging in, they feel tighter, It feels like I have to hide my body, I body checked and 'feel' like a 'barrel' and bloated.</div>
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2) I feel <b>UNCOMFORTABLE</b> not being able to identify how I feel.</div>
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3) Everything feels a little <b>NUMB.</b></div>
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<i>*Yes, feelings are not facts, blah blah. I know this. </i></div>
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As for the numbness. My best friend and I were trying to get our heads around this one over coffee yesterday morning. We're both on headmeds, and know that can make a difference to this. In taking out the high anxiety or low mood, they leave us both feeling a little middle-ground, a little, well numb. I can see why they're not always given to people recovering from anorexia though, as for every time they take the edge of anxiety - they take the edge of any motivation to see the NEED to eat more, exercise less or keep myself in 'check' with the lessons recovery taught me. </div>
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<b>But this numbness bothers me - and comforts me at the same time.</b></div>
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Reality is that to me, I am being lazy and greedy recently. I've exercised a lot less, not been for a run for more than two months, I've spent more time at home, doing things like watching TV or pottering around. This feels uncomfortable, but I struggle to find the motivation to put on my trainers or go out.</div>
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<b><i>Don't gasp in horror or shock, it's obvious, but I still track calories more than I possibly should do</i></b>. Recently, I've been more relaxed about seeing the total at the end of the day rise. A good thing you say? In my head it still isn't. Most people would tell me that I don't consume enough per-day, but in all honesty, I hate a) that it's a high as it is - but I don't know why? b) I honestly feel like I am a secret eater, because my weight isn't going down and c) I assume the secret eating 'tops up' and takes me to RDA. I wish sometimes I could just blurt out how much I eat, what I eat, my weight blah, because it would stop the hypothesise of others'. Yes, I still feel like this five years on. </div>
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<i>"But it's good that you put on weight"</i> said the best friend yesterday...well, it STILL doesn't feel like that to me. It feels like, NOTHING. Numb. I don't want to lose, or gain or think about it. So I block it out. Probably not helpful, but what is? I guess it's helpful that I don't ACTUALLY know what I weigh - I stopped my monthly weigh-ins in November, so of by accident, sort of because I don't like seeing it go up. I am not in a dangerous BMI, I am not overweight. I give and shit and don't care at the same time. </div>
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Many of you know that I went back for a few sessions at the EDU, well they've written suggesting that I DONT need the services, and need to decide my next move if anxiety is the issue. The private therapist I was seeing through my employer can't see me anymore - you only get 6 sessions. The general talking therapies counsellor told me I was too complex (it's how I ended up back at EDU). But the thing is, I can't be arse with any of it, because things are sort of comfortable.</div>
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<b><i>But what niggles at me is that they're sort of comfortable, because they're comfortably numb.</i></b></div>
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Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-36979509895818240102016-12-11T10:43:00.000+00:002016-12-11T11:43:18.039+00:00A world of Lions and Zebras <div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Do you think the most ferociously proud lion cub ever wishes it could just be a zebra? </b></div>
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I promise I'll get to the point here, but my therapist said something to me this week which has stuck in my thoughts. (<a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p04gjlhz" target="_blank">I digress, but it's been impacted more this morning by catching up on 'Brainwashing Stacey' - with Big Game Trophy Hunters on BBC3</a>!) and is something that might do me well to put into action, thought wise, not hunting, obviously.</div>
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I've always beaten myself up for not being one of 'the crowd'. Whatever that crowd maybe. Way back growing up, I've always been a little different, worried about things other people didn't worry about. </div>
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Proud of things and passionate about things that no one else cared for. Half due to the panic attacks and my mental health - but half because I am me. This ALWAYS bothered me. I have spent 31 years beating myself up about being the 'one that spoke up' or the friend who 'fell out with people she disagreed with' or the teenager that didn't want to get paralytic and throw up. I always thought I was wrong. That I have always been the odd one out and that meant I was wrong.</div>
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Even with regards to anorexia, I know there is no 'stereotypical' suffering of an eating disorder, no mirrored recovery, but there is generally a pattern that is evident. I didn't even feel I ever 'fitted in' with that tribe either. I still don't, even when people comment on my blogs, I just think YOU DON'T GET ME. It's not like that in my head, I am fierce, yet fearful. </div>
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It's like I sway constantly between NOT wanting to be in a herd of zebra, to wishing I had stripes. </div>
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In one breath I find myself wishing I blended in. Wishing that I was indistinguishable from another sheep or zebra. Annoyed that they all live harmoniously together. I want to be defined by something decided by someone else, not myself. This can include wanting to be invited to lunch with colleagues, or family, wanting to be the same as everyone else, even though I am the polar opposite to some. </div>
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Then in the next moment I remember I am a lioness. Different, proud and fierce. I feel strong alone. I know what I like and how I like it. I am focused on the way I live my life and think 'fuck the rest'. But the problem is, I only have flashes like this. I spend most of the time worried about my mane or why I can't be one of the herd.<b> I roar and then worry about why that has upset their grazing, and end up wishing I hadn't roared at all. I blame me, for being me. </b></div>
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But what my therapist said to me this week is a perspective I had not considered before. Lionesses spend time alone, they are animals who need their own space. <b><i>They are fierce but they care deeply about their own pride. So, do you think zebra, who goes around in herds and NEED those herds, would be comfortable with a lion going for lunch?</i></b> Would they fear that lion? Maybe, just maybe. what if another lioness came along? Would that cause friction? Maybe. But, it doesn't have to. You each just want to protect our own, but we are alike and can try to understand. </div>
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I guess, what I am getting at is that it is<b><i> accepting that am a lion whether I like it or not. As a cub I might have been given mixed messages, but I am strong and fierce and that is why I am still alive. </i></b></div>
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That is why I was strong enough to escape the herd of zebras anorexia wants from people. Now, it is why I need to remind myself that in life, <b>I need to worry less about what other people are saying about me, thinking of me or doing - and roar. </b></div>
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<br />Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-70579139801065116622016-11-21T17:49:00.000+00:002016-11-21T17:49:29.318+00:00Why ARE you here Sarah?When you have NO idea why you're sat back in the chair of a therapy room of the eating disorders unit, that's not what one wants to hear. My initial thoughts were "because I am a me-me who wants the attention and loves her fake anorexia..." <div>
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Yes, really. Second thought was "I don't know." followed soon after by "...you tell me..." </div>
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I certainly have no idea, that's for sure. Yes, I haven't gained the weight they initially wanted me to. Yes, I still have rules that could be seen as anorexic. No I don't like my body. Yes I do count calories...and no, I don't know why I am here.</div>
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What do you want to do? What goals have you got? What do you hope to achieve by coming back?</div>
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I DON'T KNOW. </div>
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What makes it MORE confusing and the thoughts I am left with after my second session with Dr K. (the 'new' Mrs W/Dr B) is that SHE doesn't think I need to be there. She thinks I am 'recovered' enough and she thinks my coping strategies are healthy enough for me to live like this FOREVER.</div>
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It makes me want to cancel my referral and just keep on dealing with my shit in my own way. Why? Because I don't have any goals. I am not going to kid myself that 'hitting a target weight' is going to be one of my goals. I will not go hop, skip and jumping down the unit corridor motivated to gain weight. I just can't see it. Not is a destructive way, I am not losing, nor bothered about losing. I just really have not got the motivation to do that.</div>
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When people ask me, therapist, friends and family, "don't you want to be able to eat X or do Y or believe Z"....well no, I don't really care too much for XY or Z to be honest with you. I have never enjoyed food, it's since the day dot for me, been functional. I am not a 'foodie' and never will be. </div>
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What I do wish I could work on is believing that I am okay, that I am not ugly or annoying or not good enough. I wish I believed that I don't need to micro-control every part of my life. But more than anything my goal is to know my goals I guess. </div>
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Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-47668927509050495382016-09-25T20:04:00.000+01:002016-09-25T20:19:00.102+01:00Shaking Up and Breaking Up<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><i>For someone who doesn't do very well with change, I seem to be shaking up and breaking up left right and centre at the moment. </i></b></div>
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I have been in my very own home for a month now already. People are right though, buying a house is one of the most stressful things I've ever done. But my gosh, when I turn the key and sit on my huge chaise sofa, it's nice and comforting to know it's all mine.</div>
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<b>That's shake up No.1. The second is my recovery.</b></div>
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I went back to the EDU for the follow up to my review session a fortnight ago. Another go on the scales. I didn't like that at all. It messed with my month system of weighing in the same place, at the same place that I've had going since I was discharged. Despite not wanting to lose weight and actually wanting to get better - It stabs like a knife when its a different weight to 'my weight' and higher, at that. But I guess the fact the number bothered me, and the controls around the scales, is proof enough that I need what's coming next.</div>
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I am now on a longggg waiting list for another dose of therapy. This time CBT-E. For four years I never worked to a specific type of treatment. The service itself admits that my emergency admission in 2011 meant I never really got the care I needed, and sort of made-do-and-mended with a range of different approaches.</div>
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I got the choice of <a href="http://www.acat.me.uk/page/about+cat" target="_blank">CAT</a> or <a href="http://credo-oxford.com/4.1.html" target="_blank">CBT-E</a>. I actually wanted to opt for CAT, but I was told the latter would be me best chance of kicking anorexia for good. It's going to be a wait and a half now. Time for me to get into a better place on my own so it's not too much of a shock to the system with calorie increases and challenges when I start up.</div>
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I am OVER the swallowing my pride stage. I need to do what I need to do to be freed, completely this time. I am stuck in that bid in the middle, <a href="http://www.jennischaefer.com/" target="_blank">Jenni Shaefer</a> calls it '<a href="http://www.jennischaefer.com/books/almost-anorexic/" target="_blank">Almost Anorexic' </a>I think. Holding on to an unhealthy relationship with food. Letting rules and behaviours I was once a slave to still affect me. The thought of gaining weight still stresses me out, even if eating doesn't. But it's more about the fear of 'shaking up' my routine that bothers me.</div>
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<b>So, the breaking up bit?</b> Well, after I year, I decide I needed to break up with C. It wasn't working for me anymore. As good as things were, I found myself torn between so many things, I couldn't add therapy in there too. I need to focus on me again. I need to be free to listen to my head, and not feel more guilt about not being a good-enough girlfriend. I will miss his company, of course. I feel guilty for breaking up with him - but at the end of the day. I need to be authentic. I haven't chosen anorexia over a relationship. I have chosen me.</div>
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So, in a way, <b>the shake up and break up actually leads to me making up with myself</b>. Good deal that.</div>
Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-14762402144728531302016-09-10T20:18:00.000+01:002016-09-10T20:18:49.364+01:00Looking back and thinking forwardsI'm not sure how to explain how it felt walking back to the eating disorders unit on Thursday, I actually made a 'Ughh' noise out loud heading up the driveway towards the outpatient department. Loud enough to wonder if anyone had heard me. It was a completely mixed set of emotions.<div>
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In some respects it felt familiar, like going back somewhere steeped in memories would, but in other ways it felt much more clinical and cold than before. I felt out of place and disappointed in myself. I didn't like how even knowing I was going there made anorexia louder, in a 'pride' sort of way. I didn't like that volume. Despite the residue of my eating disorder, I wouldn't say it was a voice which out-shouted my own for the past 18 months. I've been louder, which is why I've made the progress I have done thus far. </div>
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My assessment was with a Dr. I'd not seen at all before, but whom I knew of. She also knew of me. </div>
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I was weighed, measured, attacked by the vampire and had an ECG. The latter was fine, the bloods are pending, I seem to have shrunk 2cm in 2 year and my weight was higher than it was Saturday and lower than the last time they weighed me. </div>
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Too low for them to be happy with. But not low enough to ring alarm bells. A BMI they're not happy with, a BMI which means I have been offered treatment. But I don't think it's my BMI which they're mostly concerned with. The lack of periods is one thing they're keen to change, as is my thinking about myself and the food rules I still live by. </div>
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It was a lot of the old questionnaires about self esteem, thinking, mood and emotion - the clinical side of things - and the therapy admin. We spoke at length about the care I'd had before - and how the service had changed since. Those people who have followed my blog from Day 1 will know that I have never defined the 'type' of therapy I had. Because I was never told. I ended up with a miss-match cobbled together careplan with no clear 'type' of therapy, no clear boundaries and no one style of work. That was partly because of the faults in the EDU, partly to do with my emergency admission in 2011, and my refusal for IP care, but need for serious support and finally, a little do with my quick move back to work - and ability to NOT focus on therapy. </div>
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Things have changed. I have now been given two options. A course of CBT-E, with hardcore weight-gain, 20 sessions twice weekly and then 20 more one a week. With a focus on weight restoration, weigh-ins every session and then therapy to deal with all the anxiety OR CAT (cognitive analytical therapy) with an expectation but not a focus on WR, dealing with WHY I still think certain ways. Either 16,20 or 32 sessions. Obviously, the first is the one which is clinical proven to help anorexia best - the latter, a good option too. With the amount I have going on in my life, the latter is looking 80/20 most likely for me to go with. Plus, let's not bullshit. I'd be terrified of the first, but also, I have to keep my main focus on work and life. </div>
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The one comment Dr. W made was "<b><i>I think you owe it to yourself to finish off recovery</i></b>"...and she's right. For as recovered as I am, I am not free. But what is hard to comprehend is being back there and not feeling like I belong. Being back there at all. Although what is near-on impossible to get my head round and answer was the parting questions raised...."What do YOU want to get from going back? What purpose do my eating rules serve and am I willing to give therapy another go." </div>
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Who knows? Probably. Maybe? Yes?</div>
Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-43661220209076289222016-09-08T08:43:00.001+01:002016-09-08T08:57:07.315+01:00Stepping back, swimming forwardNot going backwards, but stepping back in to the eating disorders unit where four hard years were spent swimming through the waves of recovery.<br />
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That's what's happening this morning, and honestly, it feels rather strange.<br />
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This review has been triggered by starting on anti-anxiety medication, which meant a referral to the EWIS team (the talking therapy/counselling service locally) and the fact that my anxieties are still so wrapped up in the hangover of anorexia - and are "too complicated" for the weekly sessions with their team. Hence, being shipped back to Kinver.<br />
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It could be that I walk in the service today and they give me a thumbs up, check the medication is doing okay (I'm still not sure) and let me go. Or they get me talking, realise how much I hold my shit together, how much I cope with DESPITE the negative thoughts and rules I have. I guess you could call it 'functioning' or 'semi-recovered' - whichever, I am not fully recovered. I am aware of that.<br />
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I am not going back for a review with any of the team which treated me in the past, it's a psychiatrist I've not met properly before, which makes me feel a bit strange too. Maybe that's a good thing?<br />
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I have no idea what will happen or what they will say. But facts are facts, I left services knowing I had weight still to restore, reality is, my weight is less than May 2015. I left as a singleton, I am now in a relationship which throws loads of emotions into the mix which I have promised the boy I will get on top of so I can let him in more. I still have food rules, I still don't like social occasions much, I still have my own little controlled schedule which I struggle to cope with much change too. Yes, I get it - all these are issues. I am aware of that. But I am struggling to see how hearing someone at the EDU TELL me that, will make me change.<br />
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I will give it the benefit of the doubt, and I am writing this down to enable me to go in there with an open mind and honesty.<br />
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But it feels so weird, yet familiar to go back....which makes Ana pipe up telling me I LIKE that I am going back, that I somehow want to. So, that makes me MORE dubious that this is the right step back to swim forward. I don't want those thoughts any louder.Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1415343028540596846.post-16642721057972980142016-09-08T08:43:00.000+01:002016-09-08T08:44:21.588+01:00Stepping back, swimming forwardNot going backwards, but stepping back in to the eating disorder unit where four hard years were spent swimming through the waves of recovery.<br />
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That's what's happening this morning, and it feel rather strange.<br />
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The review has been triggered by starting on anti-anxiety medication, which meant a referral to the EWIS team (the talking therapy/counselling service locally) and the fact that my anxieties are still so wrapped up in the hangover of anorexia - and are "too complicated" for the weekly sessions with their team. Hence, being shipped back to Kinver.<br />
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It could be that I walk in the service today and they give me a thumbs up, check the medication is doing okay (I'm still not sure) and let me go. Or they get me talking, realise how much I hold my shit together, how much I cope with DESPITE the negative thoughts I have.<br />
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I am not going back for a review with any of the team which treated me in the past, it's a psychiatrist I've not met properly before, which makes me feel a bit strange too.<br />
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I have no idea what will happen or what they will say. But facts are facts, I left services knowing I had weight still to restore, reality is, my weight is less than May 2015. I left as a singleton, I am now in a relationship which throws loads of emotions into the mix which I have promised the boy I will get on top of so I can let him in more. I still have food rules, I still don't like social occasions much, I still have my own little controlled schedule which I struggle to cope with much change too. Yes, I get it - all these are issues. I am aware of that. But I am struggling to see how hearing someone at the EDU TELL me that, will make me change.<br />
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I will give it the benefit of the doubt, and I am writing this down to enable me to go in there with an open mind and honesty.<br />
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But it feels so weird, yet familiar to go back....which makes Ana pipe up telling me I LIKE that I am going back, that I somehow want to. So, that makes me MORE dubious that this is the right step back to swim forward. I don't want those thoughts any louder.Sarah Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221184508059112381noreply@blogger.com0