2 June 2013

Turning the page

A new chapter in my recovery starts this week and like with some of the chapters I've already read, I don't feel ready to turn the page. 

But if I had waited until I was ready to pick up the book, I doubt I'd even be here.

I survived opening the cover, so surely starting a new chapter will be okay? 

Wishful thinking I know. There are some pages in recovery from anorexia I disliked the thought of, pages I wanted to skip, but had expected and had semi-prepared for; Weight restoration. Honesty. Medical bits and bobs. Meal Plans. Calorie Increases to name a few. But this next bit is different. It's harder to read.

Why? It involves saying goodbye to the woman who's helped me turn the pages so far. The woman who picked the book off the shelf and read the first few chapters for me. The person who dragged me kicking and screaming, until I was ready to hold the book and start reading myself. 

This week's about new turning pages, letting go and saying hello.

I'm changing therapists. 

I've known for a few months that this was coming, we've done some work on preparing me to turn the page. Although, I've done a very good job at keeping out the thoughts, digging my head in the sand and pretending that this week would never happen. That she'd keep reading with me. But it just got real, she's leaving.

It's up to me to keep on turning pages. To carry on reading.

I need to remember that starting a new chapter doesn't mean I'll forget what I've already read. There's no way I'd understand the pages to come, without having read the ones I've already read. Getting my head around the plot with Mrs W. has been essential for me to understand the rest of the book. 

I've been extremely lucky to have found a therapist who 'gets me', who works with me, who understands the way I work, who I like, respect and (sometimes) enjoy reading with. Someone over the last two years who's seen me cry, smile, laugh and scream. But I know I'm lucky to have the other characters I have in my EDU team, to still be working with my dietician and to already know my new therapist. I know not many people are this fortunate.

I've kept this in mind when thinking logically about this change. There are other people who have helped me get my head around this book so far. And although it doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye to someone who knows me inside out, to someone who's saved me, maybe I need this unplanned change to help me keep reading. I have been on this page a while.  

And as hard as this week is going to be, I will keep reading. 

You never know, if I give it time, accept the story is changing and keep up with the plot that's being uncovered, it might just start making sense. 

This is where Dr B will be able to introduce me to the next chapter and fill in any gaps in the plot. He'll help me get my head around the next few chapters. 

Eventually, I will finish it. I will close the back cover and I will put it on the shelf. For good.

And when I do finish it, Mrs W. will be the first person I call to tell. I'll let her know that the recovery book's waiting for someone else.

After all, she's the one who opened the cover for me. Without her, I wouldn't have found the recovery book on the shelf at all, let alone started reading it. Properly

...and for the record, this was one hell of a book recommendation. 

You should try it. 


  1. Changing therapists is so hard, I had to do it recently. It takes getting used to, but you can do this. Fighting with you, always.

    Heath xo

  2. Thinking of you this week. I have no doubt that you have the bravery and determination to face this new challenge.
    Carry on inspiring; carry on being you