8 December 2011

"Yeah, But...."

“You can’t move on to the next chapter until you stop re-reading the last one over and over” ..."Yeah, but..."

It’s something I do and say a lot.

Okay so looking back for a moment,  I lost weight last week, which Ana loved but this week I gained and it’s fairly obvious that Ana really doesn’t like this little stat! I am not excited by it to be honest although I probably should be? I can just about accept it (if I don’t think too much about it) I can accept that it NEEDS to happen. But it is another one of those ‘grey areas’ that I need to embrace. 

It’s NOT going to feel amazing to get better, to gain weight nor will I always feel horrified by it now I am in recovery. It’s not going to be perfect either, but it DOESN’T need to be. It won’t ever be.

I wish I knew how to describe how it feels when I ‘do well’ in recovery. I don’t know how it feels and I can’t define it as good or bad, it’s so strange and I hate that I can’t put my finger on the feeling, its one those ‘grey’ moments I despise. I get this indescribable reaction in my head when someone says: “Sarah your diet is nearly back to normal isn’t that great” I can feel myself thinking, NO, please NO, and the Yeah, but.. comes in to play.

I guess it is Ana trying to tell me she’d spend so much time and effort making me ‘different’ and ‘better’ than them and now I am going to be the same, eat the same, look the same? She wants me to believe that I need to be more ‘in control’ of my diet than everyone else. I also get the same feeling when people tell me that my ‘face looks so much better now’ and that my hair looks healthier and my eyes more sparkly again. I should LOVE comments like this right? They mean my body is awakening again, I am getting healthier. But no, Ana is constantly trying to creep in to my thoughts, she wants me to hate myself, hate being healthy, the same as ‘them’, worse than others, fat and she hates that I am taking steps away from her and shutting her up. She makes me look for the “YEAH, BUT…” in every compliment, accomplishment or recovery challenge I complete. I need to remain aware that the “Yeah, but..” I think is my eating disorder’s way of getting in to my thoughts and her way to control my mind-set. It is a new technique Ana has developed now she doesn’t always have a say over my food.

I think I also use the “Yeah, but” comments I make on a daily basis also act as a CRY or plea to the people around me  to remember that I am eating  now, but for them to not expect too much from me, to remember that I am still struggling on the inside. That I am still suffering, even though I am eating. I still have to fight the urge to remind people I am quite literally eating ten times more that I was three months ago. I need to stop this negative ‘backwards’ thinking and comparing. Ms F. suggested, try saying “Yes, I am eating my meal plan food, it’s hard but I am trying hard to recover too, thank you” every time I feel a YEAH BUT popping up when talking about food, hunger or portion size.

I need to remember that I don’t need to justify or ‘Yeah, but..” anything or feel guilty for doing well or for fighting this eating disorder, because it’s all I can do right now. The one thing is really can’t fall for is feeling Ana’s guilt, when it is listening to her that has caused this in the first place. I should NOT have to look for the negatives in my recovery to soothe her. Every time I look for them and refuse to accept people’s help or complement it is me soothing my eating disorder. Every time I SOOTHE I am not SOLVING it. 

Time to be a little more forward thinking I think...no 'Yeah. buts...' allowed


  1. I know what you mean about how you can't describe how recovery feels. When I have a good day in recovery, ED wants me to feel like I'm not "special" anymore. Like you said, I've worked so hard for so long on my ED that it kind of feels like undoing hard work. Even though it's a good thing, it feels like loss. I do a lot of the "yeah, but"s too. Thank you for sharing this!


  2. I used to say "Yeah, but..." alllllll the time to my therapist and he used to get so frusterated with me. lol. Gaining weight is hard and scary and uncomfortable and so many more emotions BUT(!) it won't always feel that way. I have been at a healthy weight for almost a full year now and it's the longest I have EVER gone at a healthy weight. And even though I do still have body image issues sometimes, it is sooooo much better than it used to be. I even... dare I say... like the my body sometimes. Everyday I am at a healthy weight is another day I become a little more comfortable. You just need to fight with everything you've got, cry, scream, whatever you need to do to cope (it's okay to feel all of those emotions) and allow your body to gain the weight. And then hold on because it will get better. Promise! I NEVER thought I could feel love for myself and my body at a healthy weight. I never believed people when they told me that I would... but I DO! And it's such a freeing feeling to not have ana telling me otherwise. You are doing great!!!