"Good days don’t cancel out the illness or make me a fraud and bad days
don’t mean I am stuck with it forever."
"So it's 23.30pm another day
complete on my meal plan and another day in which I have tried new meals, today it was adding grated cheese to my potato. I had an
apple and an advent calendar chocolate on top of my MP and I even added more peanut
butter to my supper...all of which are big deals for me!
But I now don’t know how I feel, it’s like I don’t
understand WHY some days I can do the extra little things I do, I just don’t get
it. How can it be so hard and have all these stresses one minute and then I
feel normal another. This really makes me believe that I am holding myself
here to PROVE that I am AN or something? I feel like I should be able to snap
out of it. I feel like I SHOULD be finding EVERY moment hard, I feel like I
should be struggling every day. I just don’t just don’t see how people think I
am ‘positive’ or ‘inspirational’ and I feel sometimes like a fraud because I am
not believing what I am doing is ‘real’ I suppose it’s because I don’t believe I am I just think I am able to do these challenges,
not because I am a fighter but because I am faking my AN
Ana is trying her hardest to
confuse me because I have been winning all day. That’s all.
But what I do NEED to do it keep pushing, keep fighting and
really embrace the days when it does feel easier and know that EVERY day will
feel like that. But I am going to get days when it is tough but in those times
I need to aim for days like today and remember that they are positive days that
reflect my strength and NOT negative ‘out of control’ days that make me weak,
like Ana would lead me to believe. The
only real WEAK days are those when I listen to Ana. Days when I restrict, when I measure, when I cut
corners and let NBDs slide. They are the
days I am aiming to avoid.
However I need to keep the perfectionism at bay here too. I
need to accept that bad/weak days, whatever I call them WILL happen. I don’t
need every day to be PERFECT and to feel easy. It just doesn’t happen in
recovery. In fact, I reckon I learn more about my ED, about me and about how to
cope from the bad days. I can use them to define Ana’s role in my choices and
to learn and move forward."
You been in my head stealing my thoughts? :P I feel the same, how can I have days when I do ok, good even, and then days when I struggle badly and I just don't understand how it can be. Why can I be ok with something and then another day really not?! But when reading your blog, I didn't think that at all about you, it's completely understandable. There will be good and bad days, but eventually the bad days will get fewer and further between. You need to allow yourself to realise you are strong for all you've done and not let your perfectionism intrude. Easier said than done I know, because I'm just the same. But for me, seeing your progress, I can't fault it. Love from littlewhiteowl xx
ReplyDeleteThank you for that gorgeous. I am trying to fight and believe in myself and believe I am moving forward and doing well, even if I don't feel it sometimes. xxx S xxx
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