16 May 2014

Same time, same place...different thinking

It's been a normal 'Therapy Friday', the same appointment, same place, a date with the scales. All pretty standard stuff. 

Although this morning I started by not putting on the radio or turning on my music. I started with breakfast reading a chapter of Jenni Schafter's 'awesome book, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me' then picking up my notepad and doing some thinking to get in the recovery zone.

Maybe it's this sequence of events, really taking time to NOT think about things, but try to FEEL my 'truth' that meant when I got on the scales and I'd put on a big-ish chunk of weight, I was sort of okay with it. 

I have spent a week being more honest, not trying to convince myself I can cut corners and make 'no big deal' restrictions and hope that I'm still considered 'in recovery.' Gosh, on some days I've even added extra and felt like it was the right thing to do. This hasn't happened for a while. 

Then I walked to the EDU in the sunshine, read a newspaper article about my shortlisting for a Beat Volunteer award for my campaigning, took off my sunglasses and rocked on in to Dr B's room. 

The session started out like most have recently, me not really feeling the 'Hurrah, go weight gain, go' vibes. Feeling rather numb to it all. Wondering why it's ME who has to gain weight, wondering why it's me that thinks too much...WHY ME? You get my drift....

But then half way through, and after some mental prodding from Dr B. something pinged in my head. (I won't transcribe the entire session, and I can't remember all of it) But something occurred to me, made sense. Just felt right. Suddenly he (we were) right. 

We've been working on thoughts about why gaining weight is the right thing to do, obviously my head usually screams are you MAD, of course it's not. But today, I swallowed hard and had to agree, that gaining weight could actually be right for me, right now. 

There are a zillion reasons why I KNOW I SHOULD believe it's the right thing, I could reel those off to you. But today I felt different, I felt lifted, empowered and I opened my eyes to the possibility that it REALLY is, that I feel like it's the right thing to do. Why? 

Because deep down I know everyone is right. I am right. But I am spending my days arguing with reality. But I am sick of not being at peace. Sick of being tied up trying to suss out a way of not being a healthy weight and being recovered. I want to be an inspiration, but I can't do that when I'm not at peace in my own mind. I realised that Dr B was right.

I have the potential to change so much more in this world than my weight, by changing my thoughts about weight gain. By finding my peace. By putting on my big girl pants and making it happen.

I'm not really sure where to park these thoughts tonight. I want to make it make sense to you all, to the world. I want this to be the most ground breaking post I've written - it's not any of that.  But something felt good today.

Obviously me being me also questions where this blast of positivity and motivation has come from, I'm suspicious and I dread it stopping. Why does this suddenly feel different?

But right now, I'm willing to just go with it. Because maybe, just maybe, he's right.

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