6 July 2014

Why? (Oh...right)

Why now? Why have I decided to leave rigid rules behind, to move away from meal plans and to just accept that I've got to gain ALL the weight back if I'm to fully recovery? Why after three years of hating numbers am I now just going with it, why after three years in recovery am I starting to allow my body to dictate what I eat? Why now am I finding myself planning to eat out, and heaven forbid enjoy it?


Well, Dr. B made a good ol' point during my last session. Maybe it's because therapy is working.

Not on a concious CBT level, that came along a while ago and I knew the actions I needed to take to change habits. But on a deeper level, one I DON'T control.

I felt a little embarrassed after nodding in agreement with Dr B's suggestion that with out me even realising THERAPY is ACTUALLY WORKING, after all, I guess that's the whole point of him seeing me every week. He's doing his job and doing it well it would seem.

I've always been so caught up in trying to understand anorexia, trying to control my thoughts, really trying to get to grips and question why I do (or don't do) things. Since starting treatment I've always asked why I am able to push myself to recover some days and other days give in. I've wanted to understand guilt, pride, motivation and inertia too. However, now, maybe just maybe, I need to accept the idea that I won't always know why. It just is. 

If I spend too long thinking about it, I hate that I am eating more, I hate the flexibility and I still don't like my body, I REALLY don't like the way my clothes feel. But you know what, I am more accepting of the fact that I just need to grin and bear it to get where I need to be. 

I basically, need to stop asking WHY I can do things and just get on with leaving anorexia behind. 

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