12 June 2014

I know, I don't knows and I don't cares...

...and yes, that 'N' word again. Numbness.

I know I don't THINK about recovery as much as I do, which on one hand is the whole point. That therapy is about reducing the number of waking hours spent thinking or worry about weight, food and body.

There is a lot I still don't know - like the real ROOTS of my eating disorder or what it is I actually WANT - other than to just know what I want.

I don't want to be ill any more. I don't want a head full of worries. I don't want to be trying to fix myself or avoid failure, messing up and mistakes. I do want to be recovered. I don't want to be stuck here. But I do know I need to change something to do this.

I want to leave anorexia behind me, I just want to move on. If only it was that easy, huh? But there is more I know, more I don't and some where I don't even care.

I'm NOT terrified of gaining weight, but I can't say I know I WANT to.
I'm NOT terrified of eating foods, but I can't say I know for sure I WANT.
I don't care about calories like I did. But I still don't like not knowing.
I don't care about my weight. But I still HATE being congratulated for restoring it.
I know my BMI is underweight, I don't know why I don't care MORE about this.
I know I won't go from anorexic to uncontrolled....oh wait, I don't know that one.
I don't know what people think of me, but I won't ever know that. That bothers me.

I guess then, I DO actually know what I want....I want to be at ease, peaceful and just 'okay'....is that okay yet world world?

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