Bump, Breasts and Bread

I've only spent 21 weeks and four days out of my 34 years and six months on the planet pregnant so far, but I can tell you, it’s changed me more than just physically, already!

I’d always been anxious about maybe one day having a baby, but never thought it would be something I’d be capable of. Firstly, emetophobia (fear of vomit) pushed the notion out - morning sickness, being sick in labour, then baby sick - not for me thanks! Thankfully, I’ve not suffered so far in pregnancy with sickness at all, the first trimester was quite breezy compared to some people’s experience. (*plenty of ginger did the trick!) 

Then there was the lack of menstruation for seven years at the worst my eating disorder. I was aware from the start of the crisis that every month I didn’t have a period I was eroding my chance of being fertile. Yet that didn’t persuade me to turn my back on anorexia at the time. Fast forward to 2019, lots of self care I mentioned in my first pregnancy post, and we conceived in May! 

Now the changes to my body. We hear the same old rhetoric from women about how ‘babies ruined their bodies’, society is obsessed with people losing ‘baby bellies’ and dropping the baby weight before they leave the maternity unit. As someone who’s recovered from anorexia - they all set off the alarm bells, everytime. Why on EARTH would I ‘ruin’ my controlled and monitored body? Give it up for 9 months and leave myself with a horror show? Nah! 

But you know what, I’ve been working hard to re frame all that now it's happening. It's part of what my doula is helping with, and why I am going to Positive Birth Groups and embracing positive pregnancy stories.

I am looking at my growing bump in excitement. I’m actually loving having bigger breasts and a big bump is a reminder that Baby Brown is doing well growing in there. Of course That doesn’t come naturally to me, a lifetime of craving no curves and ‘flatness’ takes some undoing, but I’m probably less self conscious of my body than at any time since I was about 10! I’d go as far to say as I’m proud of it. 

What I am more conscious of, and the part of the second trimester playing on my mind is eating and hunger. It’s constant. I am no longer setting the food rules by the clock or just for me. We know anorexia prides itself on the ability to control time and hunger - but no more. I’ve always told myself the story that I’m ‘greedy’, ‘glutinous’ and ‘piggy’ with no self control (despite never suffering with actual binging) but snacking more or adding more to plate bothered me. It still does, making this part of being pregnant harder to deal with right now. 

I am dealing with it, I have no choice - and secretly it is liberating to eat previously ‘banned’ foods - the ones I still banned until May this year! But it’s a work in progress. I’m staying away from counting calories as much as humanly possible and I’m eating when my body tells me I need to (music to my former dietitian’s ears!) intuitive eating, me? I know I’ll gain weight, I have to. I know I’m needing more fuel to grow a human and keep me energized for work. It needs to be a varied diet - with carbs and fats top of the list. I am doing that, eating more - but it doesn’t come naturally. 

Those greed thoughts are there, as are the ones I put into other peoples minds, assuming they’re agreeing. I still hate people commenting on my food and what I am eating, it really does get to me. (Please, don't do it, I am eating more, and differently, I am aware!)

It’s also my changing tastes, I’m going off my usual favourite lunch and dinners and craving more comforting meals, smaller volume, higher calories, like spaghetti hoops on toast and vegan fish fingers and mash. Woah, that's a lot for my head to take some nights, and even if it's tasty, it makes me want to cry when M asks me if I'm enjoying it! 

Yes I am scared about when my midwife next wants to weigh me, I worry about non-bump weight gain, like my bum and thighs, and who knows how I'll feel in February when he's here. But for now,  there’s never been a more crucial time for me to tune into my body and just bloody listen and trust it! I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt for the next 18 weeks and 3 days, because it’s doing something quite marvelous right now. Growing my little man.

Hello, Mamma

During my recovery from anorexia I was asked what a full, recovered life would look like. Who I'd be, what I'd be doing, whether I'd get married or be a mother or not. Big life questions, right?

It was something that felt so far-stretched as I sat in my therapist's office, that I couldn't even comprehend having my periods again, let alone meeting someone and having a baby. Who cared? What I cared about was controlling my diet and not gaining weight.

I didn't realise how much I had got used to seven years without menstruating, it was my new norm. Not normal, I get that. But to me, I guess it was some sort of reassurance I wasn't fat.

Fast forward to the end of 2018, a year of connecting to my body, my sacral chakra and of accepting as a 30-something year old woman most definitely should be bleeding every month. I've gradually, through self-care work, have ended up in a place where I celebrate this, I track my cycle, noticing small changes during each season of my cycle and embracing them.

Reflexology has helped too. Not only to work on my connection to me, but also there's research into the benefits of it on fertility, and many use it to bring on labour when they're ready to burst with baby.

Well, that's going to be me in about five months time. Yes. I am pregnant.

Big news huh?

Marc and I found out around the 6/7 week mark, a home pregnancy test. I decided to do one after a couple of weeks of sore boobs and missed bleed. And there is was. A positive.

We weren't NOT trying, but I have believed since 2011 that children would be out of the picture. Something I had traded with the devil (anorexia) for thinness and lightness. But it seems a little bit of self-care and being with someone who's going to be an amazing Daddy can work it's magic.

It's going to be one hell of a journey. I'm 14/15 weeks, it's already been a whirlwind of appointments. Starting with coming off my meds immediately (citalapram isn't recommended when pregnant), stopping drinking, cutting out caffeine, taking folic acid, and most importantly EATING. Eating well, better that I have in a longtime. I have the support of some amazing friends, family and my doula, Tor, and lots of really wonderful members of my tribe too. I am focusing on a 'me' pregancy and birth, with yoga, hynobirthing, affirmations and keeping calm. 

Over dinner a while ago M asked me if I'd be okay when pregnant with the increased need to ALL food types, as well as the vital weight gain to make a baby and carry it for 9 months. Don't get me wrong, I am scared of ending up a bloated whale by Christmas, I am anxious that having a child will make me a chubby mamma forever, but I know these are lies. Everyday I will face new challenges I am sure, but for now, it's all-go for the baby brain. It seems to overide anorexia, I know I need fats and carbs to grow a bubba, and that's what it's going to get. I don't expect to be scoffing cakes and dark chocolate or bowls of chips for the next 25-odd weeks, but I will be increasing my varieties and cooking up balanced meals to grow a little genius as well as I can.

I can't quite believe that come January/February we'll have (all being well) a baby to care for, feed and bring up. A little human we'll help to navigate the world. But we will have. That's my new reality. Something I dreamed of and recovered for.

I will try to share my journey on this blog, because I want it to have an outcome that gives other's hope that aims in recovery can seem so pointless and far-fetched but trust me, those dreams CAN become realities. I am about to find that out over the next few months.

Let’s just look at where we are!

As much as I try not to look back, reflect and look forward and set myself so many resolutions at this time of year,  truth is I like doing it and I actually find it quite helpful (as long as I don’t beat myself up about not sticking to it midyear and at this time next year!)

In terms of 2017 I guess I achieved quite a lot. I really got into my allotment and feel like I made a success of it, which I am really proud of, and miss it now it’s winter! I finally got my staff contract at the BBC which I’ve been aiming for since I got back to work, I took on more responsibility at work and challenge myself things I couldn’t do which includes taking a radio show to Belgium and going on tour for a week, which challenged me professionally and personally. It’s hard not to see the win in that isn’t it? I challenged myself to make plans and keep the more in 2017 and to not get freaked out about being out of routine. I’m not gonna lie this is not come easy at all and it’s caused me internal anxiety but I feel that this can only get better? I know I have a long way to go and half the stuff that goes on in my head especially last year isn’t healthy and it’s holding me back but it’s all about progress not perfection right?

At the very end of 2017 I went on an unplanned date and it seems to have been the right choice!? It was totally unplanned as I’ve maintained for a long time that I was happy single. But in the last six weeks I have eaten out, I have seen him unexpectedly, I have cooked for him and eating at a restaurant that he chose and I had no idea where I was going all the food I was eating. For those who know what I was like with my ex, after even a year I haven’t cooked for him or let him choose a restaurant. Let’s see how this goes in 2018!

Honestly, I’m not sure how much progress I have made in recovery in 2017, because it all seems very different to how I did in previous years. I know I struggled a lot With the guilt of not running and pulling out of races and doing less exercise. This has meant that I have gained weight and I can see it in my body shape and I’m not gonna lie the end of 2017 has been hard to except my changing body. The beginning of 2018 has not made this any easier. I still feel better when I am exercising and running but I’m not sure why I feel better? So I need to sit with this thought and work out what is going on. I feel like I should be running but I also like running will leave that there for now! I have gone back to yoga and about with is expensive and I feel guilty about spending money on it it’s really bloody good for me.

I am not going to sit here and make recovery resolutions about gaining weight, making progress in mental recovery, or pledge to let anorexia have less control over me, and so on. Because I don’t know where to start!

Mainly because recovery is not that structured any more. I don’t actually think I can plan that any more. I know what I need to work on and I’m very aware of how I still let my eating disorder control me and the bits I think I like. It’s probably going to be a case of riding the waves of 2018 and seeing which ones wash up those habits on different shores. A long time ago I wrote a blog on just keeping swimming and I guess as 2018 starts that’s all I can do.

Recovery Journals Throwback (16th November)

Wednesday 16^th November 2011

I still keep getting these pangs of panic in the pit of my stomach when I think about the amount of calories I am consuming. I have this anxiety that might only take over me for a minute or even a second but it bothers me that it feels like I am out of control. It makes me feel like I am on a one track mission to being fat. I am getting better at noticing these thoughts and trying to switch my thinking and be realistic when I notice, but it is too late once I have thought it and have already panicked. I am trying hard to keep thinking positive and to remember that gaining weight and improving health is good, weight gain at the moment is good, and no matter HOW scary it is, it is needed and vital for my life to move on.

I am excited about seeing XXX tomorrow, but I am also nervous, because it throws my usual routine out because someone will be here. I also feel like I am hard work to be with. I struggle to relax still and just be me, and sit back and talk freely and enjoy my time with friends. I think it hurts so much and I find it so hard to do because it is a clear reminder of the ‘face’ I put on and the act I put on for so long to convince people I am okay. When I do relax or at least make myself make conversation and be sociable, I feel weird, pretending again and that scares me because when everything is ‘okay’, when I manage to keep a lid on my anorexic thoughts and problems and talk about other stuff, and push ana to the back of my mind I feel like I am faking it again when I think about it, talk about it or acknowledge my ED behaviors again. I am worried about going to the cinema, about feeling like I can’t have sweets or just let myself have popcorn from the cinema and I am worried I won’t relax. I am hoping I can, I am hoping that watching the film will help me forget about my ED for a minute.

I want to be me again, I want to be warm (why is it SO cold!) and I REALLY hope the next two days will help not hinder me. I am scared I’ll go into super defensive mode and make a point of negatives not positives to remind people how shit I feel. I don’t WANT to do this. I want to be positive about the future, not negative. I want to NOT feel jealous when she talks about her new job etc. because I need to be happy for her and NOT compare my life. Fingers crossed.

Friday 16^th November 2012 

I WISH I COULD SAY I GAVE A SHIT BUT I feel so tired slash drunk that I really don’t care.

I really can't  even be bothered to write in my journal.

All I will say is that I messed up, I thought id kicked ass, I thought id nail something, I believed for a second that Id done something really good, I totally let myself believe I’d done well, and guess what? I FUCKING DIDN’T. I screwed it – like that helped matters? Like that helps me disprove my own theory of being SHIT. It really didn’t.

I really can't  be bothered to explain, like its relevant to anyone but me anyway, but this is WHY I should not care and should not believe that I am ok or that I will do ok. I won’t. I can't  be arsed to get in to details. I know what I did. But I am not happy tonight and thanks to my own incompetence I probably feel like shit tomorrow as well as feeling guilty for the 100 extra (minimum) calories that my rum has in it. I am fat anyway.

I don’t care if people tell me ‘it’s ok, everyone makes mistakes’ they don’t realise how much of a set back this is, I DARED to believe for a MOMENT I had done well, and I fucked it up.  So I needed the rum, and to throw a knife across my flat, 

I need to not give a shit – I wish I didn’t give a shit but its just THERE in my head making me feel HORRIBLE. JUST GOING ROUND AND ROUND all the time. Every time I think about something -  I go back to not being able to change the fact I messed up.

Recovery Journals Throwbacks (11th & 12th Nov)

I am starting to sort through journals I kept through recovery and these are extracts from this weekend in 2011 and 2012. This was around 3 months then a year into treatment, it highlights the underlying thoughts that carried through and some of which remain 6 years on. 

Friday 11th November 2011 

When will this stop? When will I get a firm grasp on what the HELL is going on in my head and with my body?

I know I felt like this last week to, like there was NO CHANCE I could have LOST weight, but I have. It is yet again more proof that my feelings and anorexic thoughts are pretty much the complete opposite of fact. I don’t understand how I can feel SO certain that I will have gained, or at the very least maintained and then be half a kilo lighter. How can I feel so much fatter and not BE so much fatter? It just mixes up my emotions even more than they were already. I am going to focus on keeping Ana quiet about this loss and really try and use it as ammunition AGAINST her games. I have to, because like Wendy explained, the LOWER MY WEIGHT DROPS, THE WEAKER I BECOME, THE STRONGER ANA’S THOUGHTS AND CONTROL BECOMES. This means that no matter what I do and how much I am trying to eat and recover, Ana is there, creeping up on my, pound by pound.

It was a bit of a wakeup call that Wendy mentioned that both her and Fiona thought I looked thinner and not very well at the moment – because I get conflicting messages from different people saying I look ill, tired or some saying that I look really well and much better. But I suppose I have chosen the pictures people see on FB, to present a Sarah that is okay, coping and getting better, when reality might be very different. There is no hiding from W or F though, and I don’t want to hide either, but it is so much harder than I thought to give over EVERYTHING and bare all too. I do trust that they don’t judge me, but opening up about all the thoughts feel so alien sometimes. It also feels fake sometimes too, because it doesn’t feel like me or my thoughts because I’ve never said them out loud or thought of them in certain ways. But it is me and it is real isn’t it?

WHEN I RELAX ABOUT FOOD, WHEN IT FEELS EASIER TO EAT, WHEN I AM HUNGRY AND NOTICE I IS NOT ME LOSING CONTROL….IT’S ME WINNING

AND MY GOD I need to remember this. I need to remember that it is okay to enjoy food and for it to be easier and less scary to eat. That is a snippet of how people function WITHOUT Ana controlling them. Yes, these moments are still rare for me, but I continue to make myself feel bad and guilty about them when they happened anyway, so they feel like bad feelings and thoughts, not positive ones. Ana has convinced me for so long that these are WEAK feelings, like being hungry. Really, I know I should be embracing these new feelings, I should be glad I am starting to feel them and I should be AIMING to feel them all the time.

Sunday 11th November 2012

I looked chunky and fat next to her, but she said she thought I looked small, thin, underweight, I can't  remember which word she used, and I can't actually say that I believe her at all? I don’t understand why she’s say that when I don’t look thin – when I am NOT underweight anymore. I don’t believe it at all, but she did say it. I like the honesty she has like, that she still thinks certain ways that could be anorexia talking but she KNOWS that and is aware and deals with it, but realistically isn’t a denial frame of mind that she’s ‘perfectly recovered’ but more that she lives life but knows when thoughts aren't helpful – which is sort of inspiring really.

I guess that acts as a reminder that it is ok to struggle sometimes or look back as long as you don’t GO BACK – and struggles mean you just need to be more aware – NOT That everything is going wrong.

I am really trying NOT to focus on bad bits things that could have been better or on trying to work out how much I have eaten. But I do feel tired and LOW tonight – the Sunday blues, I don’t know – maybe it’s a reminder that I don’t have a social life and that I have work to do.

Saturday 12th November 2011

I hate that some mornings, like now, I wake up mega early when I really need the sleep. No matter how hard I try and relax I can’t go back to sleep. What I hate EVEN more is that my thoughts are instantly consumed by food. Today I KNEW I’d be having a sandwich and THEN halloumi cheese later too, food was the first thing I thought about, followed quickly about what time I would ‘allow’ myself to have breakfast. Apparently Ana says 8am! It’s ridiculous and I hate it. I hate that my ED makes food the central focus of my thoughts, but it’s always been that way I think. I don’t remember a time ever when I didn’t worry about the ‘consequences’ of eating something or a time when I didn’t make the food I was going to or the food I just consumed the focal point on my mind. The fear has shifted over time, from sick, to fat, to sick, to greedy. But now, as well as worrying about calorie content and the ‘effect’ the food will have on my weight, my body shape, on the way I appear to others, I still worry about food making me sick. Like I didn’t trust xxx to make my dinner last night, like he wouldn’t do it right because of contamination, the kitchen wasn’t clean enough AND he couldn’t make the correct amount of food. The internal monologue from morning to the moment I fall asleep at night REALLY does my head in.

I keep thinking about calories today too, anything I eat I am thinking about how much more I am eating than before, I keep going over and over the rest of the day, thinking about how much I have left to eat and panicking about it.

In my head I need to realise that me going ‘tomorrow’ will be a ‘better’ day is Ana thinking that tomorrow she’ll get away with sneaking in restricting more, making me eat less because I ‘picked’ today at cake. She convinces me that I can ‘make up for’ being ‘bad’ today \and eating too much. But I know I need to just stick to my meal plan tomorrow. I am worried that tomorrow is the most ‘open’ day on my plan thought and how AN thoughts could take over. But now I have made myself aware of this I NEED to fight it and if I want to get better, that’s my only option.

I just want a new day now please…

Monday 12th November 2012

I feel like I have SO much going on – that I don’t have time or energy to do things I need to – like there aren’t enough hours in the day and that I am going to forget things – and miss things and annoy people and I just feel – a bit all over the place and like I am so busy at signal that I can’t do things – like sort out my doctors note – my benefits and everything. I don’t know how to deal with the stress of all that.

I keep feeling guilty about having two hot chocolates and that’s on my mind now –and just having some cereal with my custard, while I was waiting for it to cook  WHY DID I EAT IT? I don’t understand. It’s so much easier when I don’t – it hurts my head less. I keep thinking when I walk to the station too – to keep myself going and not feel emotional that I feel in a total rush the whole time – I just keep hoping and thinking about burning the calories by walking fast. That’s not good is it? I just don’t want to gain weight and I feel all these things are really important in that.

It’s like loads of plates are spinning and I don’t know which to stop first. Or which to fight and which are ok.

Oh, it's different now, okay?

One thing I find 'this side' of treatment, and by that I mean I'm no longer in treatment, Is it is much harder to express how I feel and how I get on with life. It's actually now six year since I was referred and labelled with this anorexia nervosa thing.


I'm not going to try and kid anybody that I get on with life without any issues. Quite clearly I do have many. In the same way I have never called myself recovered, like some people have when clearly they're not. But nor do I identify with 'being anorexic' any more. I feel like that chapter has gone. Although, do I actively anorexic behaviours? Yes. By that I mean anorexic behaviours like counting calories and body checking, and so on. And yes my own judgement of myself is that my life isn't 'Stereotypically' what society sees as anorexic. I'm just going on my own experience here.


All I know is I feel and act differently to when I first became very ill. My behaviours, thoughts and life is a world apart from when I was actively in treatment. The structure of treatment at EDU means that is always going to be different. But it's also different from when I was just leaving EDU. I have more life around me, I'm more settled and have routines and structure to my life. But the thing is, If I bared all of my thoughts and habits, many of you'd have me rediagnosed (aside from my BMI!).


If I'm honest, no. I don't 'feel like one of those women' - again, THANKS to society - who live life dictated by anorexia or someone who acts on all those thoughts or feelings. I am not. I am not a wallflower or live consumed. But I am someone, like I've always been that finds way to cope and just gets on with those thoughts and just gets on. Until I cry or splurge like this.


I count calories to keep myself in check, and instead of cutting them or restricting more if I feel guilty or worried, I just give myself a hard time about it. I have habits rules and ways of dealing with situations. I hate my body. I feel fat and although I don't know my weight anymore, I was in a healthy BMI and I know i've gained, because my clothes don't fit. I feel disgusted with my stomach STILL for instance. I'm pissed off when people thinner than me have a go at my diet or life habits or preach recovery. Yes. I am jealous sometimes that they get to be 'skinny and happy' - they probably aren't. I feel lazy and shit for not exercising or running. Really lazy and I actually miss that freedom. But I can rarely be arsed either. I want people to tell me I am fat or lazy. Self-fulfilling and all that.


Food wise, okay. There was concern over my 450kcal breakfast being my biggest meal. I get that. I have issues and rules and have problems with SO MANY Foods. Loads of problems. I also am generally healthy and it's not wrong to eat the way I want to eat either, I've been vegetarian and pretty much vegan most of my life, and have food issues not related to ED too. But do I get annoyed at myself for what I consider my bad habits? Yes. I hate that I 'trust' nuts, hot chocolates or dried fruit or handfuls of cereal or allow myself to take up an offer of a sweet. Honestly, I miss my fucked up 'will power' I do. I will eat out if I NEED to, but don't always choose to. Then I usually have a salad. I have the same lunches generally - because I trust them. And when I am out of these routines, I spend more time than normal planning and finding ways to control my food. Like tomorrow, work means I can't have my usual lunch at my usual time and that makes me unsettled. And so on....


Despite all this. I get on. Yes. It's disordered. But in my own ordered way. Maybe it'll happen along the way sometime, when it 'clicks' we are they say. When some time passes or someone comes into my life or whatever. But what I do know is that until that moment, I guess life will continue like this? I know no one else can 'fix this' and that annoys me. The ED services I was referred back to earlier this year said I was doing okay and better than most - and I was too 'therapied out' for general NHS bog-standard talking therapies. Apparently.


So just let me find my path...and you find yours. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like this?


x

I get by with a little help from...?

...well, I don't know how I get by to be perfectly honest with you. I just do.

Despite having regular moments of complete self-doubt, many moments of body checking and negative self talk. Despite living with the guilt of feeling greedy, despite not eating half of the foods I know I should. I get by with the rules I live by, the routine I crave and I get by with only the odd melt downs to friends.I get by with making sense of changing my 'menu' if I need to, I get by when I am too fed up to even give a sh*t.

Generally I think I get by with a *little* help because I am so god damn determined not to completely f*ck up my life (AGAIN). I get by with the tools I learnt in therapy to argue back with more logical suggestions or reasoning. I get by living on my terms and within 'accepted' guides.

People often ask me 'what support are you getting...' well, none. But I don't know what support I need, or want. That's the problem. I don't know what the issue IS exactly. Other than feeling the same as I used to about vast parts of my life. I don't have a solution to fix this. 

It's the same old "I am not good enough to do that...", "I will mess that up...", "I look fat/ugly/scruffy/wrong/not good enough", "I have nothing to wear because I don't fit in clothes"... Or maybe its at work..."I hope they don't hate me"...."It's my fault..", "I've done something wrong.." issues AND I still feel the absolute fear of actually going for something, despite wanting to do it. I hate how all this worry and anxiety means I come across way more negative a person than I actually am.

When I've said something in response or done something that I know is driven by my lack of self-belief or my fear of failing at it, or I am faced with something I am not fully sure of, I HATE my gut reaction. I instantly know what I have done, and I hate it. It also becomes another thing I beat myself up about.

But I digress, I get by with a little....well, a lot of rules and habits which I really don't like breaking. I get by in life by sticking to the rules. I'd love to not sure 'get by' with a little of anything. But in all honesty, I can't imagine life any different to this at the moment. When I say that, my best mate hates it. although, it's true. I can't.

I have always just 'got through' or 'got by' even when I HATE my body, HATE my habits and HATE that I am in the 'almost disordered' place, where I don't listen fully to anorexia - but don't TRUST or really WANT to push in the opposite direction, because to be quite honest I already dislike the feel and look of my body and don't really like what I perceive as greedy - and the fact I eat anyway and don't exercise. I sound like a broken record here, but it is just doubting EVERYTHING, it doubting the food I eat, doubting my ability at work, doubting what others tell me, and on...and on...

(Un)comfortably Numb

There are a few things swirling through my head this morning and I need to get them out: 

1) I feel UNCOMFORTABLE in my skin today, clothes are digging in, they feel tighter, It feels like I have to hide my body, I body checked and 'feel' like a 'barrel' and bloated.

2) I feel UNCOMFORTABLE not being able to identify how I feel.

3) Everything feels a little NUMB.

*Yes, feelings are not facts, blah blah. I know this. 

As for the numbness. My best friend and I were trying to get our heads around this one over coffee yesterday morning. We're both on headmeds, and know that can make a difference to this. In taking out the high anxiety or low mood, they leave us both feeling a little middle-ground, a little, well numb. I can see why they're not always given to people recovering from anorexia though, as for every time they take the edge of anxiety - they take the edge of any motivation to see the NEED to eat more, exercise less or keep myself in 'check' with the lessons recovery taught me. 

But this numbness bothers me - and comforts me at the same time.

Reality is that to me, I am being lazy and greedy recently. I've exercised a lot less, not been for a run for more than two months, I've spent more time at home, doing things like watching TV or pottering around. This feels uncomfortable, but I struggle to find the motivation to put on my trainers or go out.

Don't gasp in horror or shock, it's obvious, but I still track calories more than I possibly should do. Recently, I've been more relaxed about seeing the total at the end of the day rise. A good thing you say? In my head it still isn't. Most people would tell me that I don't consume enough per-day, but in all honesty, I hate a) that it's a high as it is - but I don't know why? b) I honestly feel like I am a secret eater, because my weight isn't going down and c) I assume the secret eating 'tops up' and takes me to RDA. I wish sometimes I could just blurt out how much I eat, what I eat, my weight blah, because it would stop the hypothesise of others'. Yes, I still feel like this five years on. 

"But it's good that you put on weight" said the best friend yesterday...well, it STILL doesn't feel like that to me. It feels like, NOTHING. Numb. I don't want to lose, or gain or think about it. So I block it out. Probably not helpful, but what is? I guess it's helpful that I don't ACTUALLY know what I weigh - I stopped my monthly weigh-ins in November, so of by accident, sort of because I don't like seeing it go up. I am not in a dangerous BMI, I am not overweight. I give and shit and don't care at the same time. 

Many of you know that I went back for a few sessions at the EDU, well they've written suggesting that I DONT need the services, and need to decide my next move if anxiety is the issue. The private therapist I was seeing through my employer can't see me anymore - you only get 6 sessions. The general talking therapies counsellor told me I was too complex (it's how I ended up back at EDU). But the thing is, I can't be arse with any of it, because things are sort of comfortable.

But what niggles at me is that they're sort of comfortable, because they're comfortably numb.

A world of Lions and Zebras

Do you think the most ferociously proud lion cub ever wishes it could just be a zebra? 

I promise I'll get to the point here, but my therapist said something to me this week which has stuck in my thoughts. (I digress, but it's been impacted more this morning by catching up on 'Brainwashing Stacey' - with Big Game Trophy Hunters on BBC3!) and is something that might do me well to put into action, thought wise, not hunting, obviously.

I've always beaten myself up for not being one of 'the crowd'. Whatever that crowd maybe. Way back growing up, I've always been a little different, worried about things other people didn't worry about. 

Proud of things and passionate about things that no one else cared for. Half due to the panic attacks and my mental health - but half because I am me. This ALWAYS bothered me. I have spent 31 years beating myself up about being the 'one that spoke up' or the friend who 'fell out with people she disagreed with' or the teenager that didn't want to get paralytic and throw up. I always thought I was wrong. That I have always been the odd one out and that meant I was wrong.

Even with regards to anorexia, I know there is no 'stereotypical' suffering of an eating disorder, no mirrored recovery, but there is generally a pattern that is evident. I didn't even feel I ever 'fitted in' with that tribe either. I still don't, even when people comment on my blogs, I just think YOU DON'T GET ME. It's not like that in my head, I am fierce, yet fearful. 

It's like I sway constantly between NOT wanting to be in a herd of zebra, to wishing I had stripes. 

In one breath I find myself wishing I blended in. Wishing that I was indistinguishable from another sheep or zebra. Annoyed that they all live harmoniously together. I want to be defined by something decided by someone else, not myself. This can include wanting to be invited to lunch with colleagues, or family, wanting to be the same as everyone else, even though I am the polar opposite to some. 

Then in the next moment I remember I am a lioness. Different, proud and fierce. I feel strong alone. I know what I like and how I like it. I am focused on the way I live my life and think 'fuck the rest'. But the problem is, I only have flashes like this. I spend most of the time worried about my mane or why I can't be one of the herd. I roar and then worry about why that has upset their grazing, and end up wishing I hadn't roared at all. I blame me, for being me.  

But what my therapist said to me this week is a perspective I had not considered before. Lionesses spend time alone, they are animals who need their own space. They are fierce but they care deeply about their own pride. So, do you think zebra, who goes around in herds and NEED those herds, would be comfortable with a lion going for lunch? Would they fear that lion? Maybe, just maybe. what if another lioness came along? Would that cause friction? Maybe. But, it doesn't have to. You each just want to protect our own, but we are alike and can try to understand. 

I guess, what I am getting at is that it is accepting that am a lion whether I like it or not. As a cub I might have been given mixed messages, but I am strong and fierce and that is why I am still alive. 

That is why I was strong enough to escape the herd of zebras anorexia wants from people. Now, it is why I need to remind myself that in life, I need to worry less about what other people are saying about me, thinking of me or doing - and roar. 

Looking back and thinking forwards

I'm not sure how to explain how it felt walking back to the eating disorders unit on Thursday, I actually made a 'Ughh' noise out loud heading up the driveway towards the outpatient department. Loud enough to wonder if anyone had heard me. It was a completely mixed set of emotions.

In some respects it felt familiar, like going back somewhere steeped in memories would, but in other ways it felt much more clinical and cold than before. I felt out of place and disappointed in myself. I didn't like how even knowing I was going there made anorexia louder, in a 'pride' sort of way. I didn't like that volume. Despite the residue of my eating disorder, I wouldn't say it was a voice which out-shouted my own for the past 18 months. I've been louder, which is why I've made the progress I have done thus far. 

My assessment was with a Dr. I'd not seen at all before, but whom I knew of. She also knew of me. 

I was weighed, measured, attacked by the vampire and had an ECG. The latter was fine, the bloods are pending, I seem to have shrunk 2cm in 2 year and my weight was higher than it was Saturday and lower than the last time they weighed me. 

Too low for them to be happy with. But not low enough to ring alarm bells. A BMI they're not happy with, a BMI which means I have been offered treatment. But I don't think it's my BMI which they're mostly concerned with. The lack of periods is one thing they're keen to change, as is my thinking about myself and  the food rules I still live by. 

It was a lot of the old questionnaires about self esteem, thinking, mood and emotion - the clinical side of things - and the therapy admin. We spoke at length about the care I'd had before - and how the service had changed since. Those people who have followed my blog from Day 1 will know that I have never defined the 'type' of therapy I had. Because I was never told. I ended up with a miss-match cobbled together careplan with no clear 'type' of therapy, no clear boundaries and no one style of work. That was partly because of the faults in the EDU, partly to do with my emergency admission in 2011, and my refusal for IP care, but need for serious support and finally, a little do with my quick move back to work - and ability to NOT focus on therapy. 

Things have changed. I have now been given two options. A course of CBT-E, with hardcore weight-gain, 20 sessions twice weekly and then 20 more one a week. With a focus on weight restoration, weigh-ins every session and then therapy to deal with all the anxiety OR CAT (cognitive analytical therapy) with an expectation but not a focus on WR, dealing with WHY I still think certain ways. Either 16,20 or 32 sessions. Obviously, the first is the one which is clinical proven to help anorexia best - the latter, a good option too. With the amount I have going on in my life, the latter is looking 80/20 most likely for me to go with. Plus, let's not bullshit. I'd be terrified of the first, but also, I have to keep my main focus on work and life. 

The one comment Dr. W made was "I think you owe it to yourself to finish off recovery"...and she's right. For as recovered as I am, I am not free. But what is hard to comprehend is being back there and not feeling like I belong. Being back there at all.  Although what is near-on impossible to get my head round and answer was the parting questions raised...."What do YOU want to get from going back? What purpose do my eating rules serve and am I willing to give therapy another go." 

Who knows? Probably. Maybe? Yes?

Solid rock or stuck in sinking sand?

Oh, yes, getting stuck in the sands of a 'safe' a common place in recovery, isn't it? But me? Stuck? No, surely not. I'm living on a solid rock aren't I? I am not like other people stuck in a half-way-house form of an eating disorder built on a not-so-solid foundation? I don't define myself as so, at least, so that makes me different. Well, en contraire. 

Before, I get started on the sand it appears I'm stuck living on now, let me take you back a couple of years, when I wrote this in a post about trying to fit life into the 'neat little boxes' of anorexia. 

"I can't fit, and will never be able to fit this stuff, new foods, new people, new experiences in to THIS life. They will never fit in to anorexia’s routine, rules or plan for me." - Me, January 2013

Right, so where have I built my house (or life) and why is it bothering me? Firstly, I'm stuck where I was when I was discharged this time last year I guess. When Dr B. signed me off, I KNEW I had work to do. I'm able to get by in life, I can work, workout, run and play. To an extent. I have lost weight since I left there too, something I'm probably too blase about to be honest. I knew I had physical 'work' to do to finish of weight restoration, it's obvious I haven't done that. But I am not sure why. I also had mental work to do, continuing the work we did in therapy/mindfulness about not believing the negative self-talk and reminding myself that, well, stuck is not safe. I promised myself I'd make plans to move house. 

But that's not going well. Yes, I'm safe-ish, but I'm also stuck on where I started putting the bricks.  I also knocked some of the walls I built with help down and now need to redo that work too. How do I know that? Well, for a couple of reasons, they might sound familiar 

1) The 'don't like/won't eat/want to eat' list 

Who knows what I do, don't or won't eat any more. What I liked pre-anorexia - I probably only eat 10 per cent of now. What I ate during treatment when working with Ms F - I probably only eat half of now. In conversations with C (the other half) over the last seven months, I've tried to justify and tell him there are foods I 'don't' like - when really, deep down, it's not that I don't like them - it's that I don't eat them. Because it freak anorexia the fuck out and I know it. So it's AVOIDANCE and I know it is. This is such an obvious sign on being stuck at a certain point in recovery. My biggest problem here is, that I've been stuck with these food rules for so long, I don't know HOW to move - or believe fully that I can. It IS restrictive and what's worse is, I know it. 

2) The same old routine.

That brings me to routine. Get up, eat the same breakfast, go to work, go home to the house built on sand, eat, bed. That's generally what I do, unless it's one of the days when I run or got to circuit training. Occasionally I do something different, when the boy comes over, or a friend wants to. But I have the daily pull back to my routine. Anything outside of that causes an internal niggling anxiety. I worry about when I will eat, what I will eat, whether I may or may not like doing what is planned. I CRAVE my normal when I'm not in it. 

3) Counting numbers. Worrying about numbers. 

With this I mean two sets of numbers, on a monthly basis, my weight. I still BLAME myself if my weight has gone up - like today - and just accept if it has gone down. But this also ties into the fact that I KNOW I haven't eaten more than standard RDA of calories EVERYDAY or always actively replaced the calories I have burned on runs etc.. So something must be 'wrong' with me to gain weight? So, there are the other numbers. Calories. I know roughly how many I eat a day, and when I know I have gone OVER that, I still feel greedy, glutinous and 'wrong'. 

4) Sitting still guilt

It's not that I run or workout to 'earn' food, but I'd be lying to myself or you if I said that it doesn't make life a little easier when I have. Like I can justify food or doing something for myself. I feel like self-hate or less self concious once I have exercised. It IS a self-esteem boost, so that's where this one gets complicated, because science will tell us that working out raises endorphins in anyone. 

5) Checking myself out

Body checking. Body image. Mirror work. Something we actually never got round to during treatment. Yes, really, they skipped this bit, but I wish thy hadn't. Partly because Mrs W. left before we got on to it, then Dr B's work with me took a different direction which uncovered more issues. But anyway, what this means is I still really don't like my body. I don't like bones, I don't like my 'fat bits' I don't like my bloated stomach and I micro analyse body parts too much. I get frustrated when people say my arms are still too thin, I don't like catching my reflection in the mirror at circuits and I am still very. very self concious when in the buff with C. I sway between NOT wanting to change my current body at all, wishing my imperfections weren't there and also looking fitter, more womanly and getting my boobs back. Like with food, I've forgotten what I ACTUALLY want. 

I haven't built my recovery on a completely unsustainable surface, I was lucky to get the help I did, but that doesn't mean I couldn't be on terra-firma though. I KNOW there is a firmer ground, a more solid place to lay down my roots, a place where other people will want to come to see me in, rather than on the sand. But for some reason I am struggling to move houses, and I am not sure why. Maybe because anorexia has convinced me it's a nicer house on the sand, with sea views? But that ocean is the one I swam not to die from this illness. So, would I ever jump back in fully? Not a chance, so why do I still need to look at it everyday?

In Sickness and in (less) Health

Well, when I say in health, I sort of mean less health, more illness. 

Since the start of the year I've been getting a cough and cold and feeling totally exhausted and wiped-out more that I ever have, well, at least in a very long time. But why?

If I take a moment for a reality check, I'll tell you where my finger points. My weight?

It can't be complete coincidence that since Autumn my weight dropped and THEN I started getting viruses can it? That my weight dropped and I ended up needing an ambulance at work is it? As much as part of my head (the anorexic part) thinks all this is a load of BS. I need to get a grip here.

I DESPISE being ill. I mean, sickness, obviously with emetophobia, but generally feeling under-the-weather or having coughs and colds really increases my anxiety. Therefore, I've always been thankful that I've never been that prone to picking up bugs. Until now. 

It's one thing after another, and I know there are loads of nasty ones around this Winter. Not the type that knock you off your feet for a week viruses, but the lingering type, which strike when you've had a few nights bad sleep or a rough day. Yep, those. 

Well, I am ill again and it's got me thinking. I get PLENTY of fruit and vegetables in, I take my vits etc, I am obsessed with my hand sanitiser and cleaning down my desk. So, it must be my body, unable to fight things off as well as it used to. 

I resent being ill. Like really hate it. Because I can't explain or manage my anxiety well when I feel like this either, I just want to be alone. It's like I am disgusted at being ill and scared that I'll pass it on - or that I will get more ill if someone is here. So, I stay alone THEN get anxious that I am alone and feel really vulnerable and lonely. 

I guess I need to find a way to restore some weight soon, like five kilos. Because I want to have the health to get my trainers back on, because running has been hard since my chesty cough, and because I just need to NOT get ill this much. But seriously, I am not sure HOW to do that anymore. 

It's a bitter pill (or Lemsip) to swallow but I need to if I am going to be fully well at some point this year. I've got to do it somehow. Because if I got something like a serious tummy bug (worst.fear.ever) I'd end up in hospital, because my weight would drop from the fear of eating. 

I am leaving myself vulnerable and open to more illness and less health if I don't. And I know it. 

Retreating to my bubble

It's hard to explain to other people, but sometimes I just need to retreat into a bubble, garden, space or place and switch off for a while. Not to sit and mope or get lost in my own head, but just do nothing, say nothing, be alone. Switch off. Recharge. 

Some will argue it's running away from the world, to avoid facing up to situations or conversations you'd rather not have. But I'm starting to realise it's not running away, it's just taking time to retreat a bit. But is that okay?

It's like I just need to function in my own world, on my agenda and not have to think past that sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I don't want this all the time and I don't want to shut people out from my world completely, that's not what I mean. I don't particularly like being alone, I get bored and feel lazy and miss people. But hear me out on this, you might feel it too. 

I know recovery has made me more selfish. But I see it as a positive, we have to be selfish to reclaim our lives from anorexia. It has made me more headstrong in what I do and don't like and how I choose to spend my days. In the past I spent far too long doing things I didn't REALLY want to socially, exercising when anorexia was driving it, and enduring situations I wished I wasn't in. I now know what I want to do now, and my God, I will (or will not!) do it.

I don't want to upset people around me by having this need to retreat to a bubble, but I do worry that it frustrates or annoys them. I accept some family and friends will never understand it (I am lucky my best friend complete gets it and feels the same herself). She explained it as needing to be alone to recharge, where some people need to be around people to do that - we need space. But it doesn't stop me over-analysing it like I am now, because I worry about others. I will always worry. I also think people take it personally sometimes, or think they know better about what's best for me. Generally, they're wrong. I am not being mardy, depressive or selfish. I just need to do my own thing.

And the times they're right? The times it would be better to be around people even if I'm apprehensive?  I am generally aware of it too,  know it's only anxiety or anorexia holding me back and know deep down it's for the best. That's when I pop my own bubble and leave my retreat. 

I'll be honest, some of it is because it's easier to be alone sometimes, because being around people means I have to explain why I still have certain rules or behaviours that are blatantly anorexic. It means that I have to fully understand why they're there too, and I don't. It's sometimes because I am just too anxious about life. Or my self esteem is so low that I think people wouldn't like to be around me anyway. Or it's just a case of control. If I am on my own, I can just function on my own agenda, in my own way. When I retreat I just function in a routine which needs no thought. It's a little bit of tranquillity from constantly trying to set a new order or agenda to make sense of a world I still get worried about.

I also still struggle to switch off, whether it be from work or just generally relax. There is always something on my mind, generally higher level of anxiety than most. But I find other people don't always help ease it, mainly because I get the urge to talk about what's going on in my mind, I tie myself up in knots and then feel worse. I feel like I have been over-doing leaving the bubble when I could do with staying in it, because I've felt I 'should' or actually the bubble annoys me and maybe that's why I've felt run-down?

Basically, sometimes, generally, my mind needs to retreat and can only function in my bubble. 

The downs and ups of life and scales

Or should I be more honest, and say the downs?  Yes, Let's go with that for now. Not downs, as in emotionally, but downs, drops, falls in weight. 

Let me set the scene again, I stopped seeing my dietician Ms. F more than 18 months ago now, I left the eating disorders unit a year later, back in May 2015. Fully discharged after three months of step-down sessions. Back in 2011 when I was admitted in a blur of anorexia, and started the long, long road of recovery, a target weight of 60-odd kilos was floated around, knowing realistically, ideally in their eyes it'd be a bit more.

The bit between August '11 and now is pretty much what this blog is. Let's not go over and over all that and let's fast forward to now shall we?  

When I left the EDU and waved farewell to Dr. B we put plans in place for monitoring my weight, without falling down the trap of getting scales at home. That's been successful and works for me. Once a month I get up and go to the leisure centre and jump on the public scales. Yes, there is still a routine there, I won't eat before hand, I do wear the same outfit and it plays on my mind the week and days before, but it doesn't consume me. 

But it's when we dig down to the facts, numbers, digits and what that means to me, it's where it's less clear than the routine I've now established to gain them.

When I last stepped on the scales at Kinver, my weight wasn't 'quite' where they would have liked it. I stepped off and was very blase with Dr B about being able to push on, fully recover and do the last bit myself. Not blase in a 'I'll get away with anything I want' rebellious, let anorexia takeover way - I don't want that. But more-so in a 'it doesn't matter...it'll happen as life happens' sort of way. Quite frankly, I didn't care. But also had a niggle of 'I'm fine at this weight thank you...' For now at least.

But that's the thing. I was fine at that weight, but I'm no longer that weight. 

It's lower. Whether I like it or not, whether it's intentional or not, whether I think I look it or not, whether I feel it or not. It is lower. 

Now, it's NOT been intentional, but I'm not kidding myself, I feel better about it being lower, than I know I would if it had gone UP the same amount. I haven't consciously sat down, colluded with anorexia and had an urge to LOSE weight. At all. That much I know. But that's also dangerous, because I can quite happily live like that, because I don't feel restrictive and restricted. 

Do I like it? I don't like the fact that I know other people will judge me, and whether they are honest to my face about it. It's just easier to swallow than gains. 

As for thinking I look and feel five kilos lighter than a year ago? Not. a. Chance. 

I just don't, In fact, over Christmas my weight went down slightly again, a few grammes, but still down. But I spent some of December feeling the old, greedy, gluttonous, unhealthy, piggy thoughts. But it was down. Do I BELIEVE the number. Well I am not blind I can SEE a lower number on my little print out, I know the digits are fewer than the ones in November. I get it. But I also don't. 

I have always fallen into the trap that I think LOWER weigh-ins are the anomalies, this has been the case throughout recovery. Gains felt forever, losses felt temporary. I still have this mindset about  my weight and that's how I've wound up here I think. Every month I've told myself it wouldn't be the case next month, so I just carried on the same. Not restricting more, not counting calories any more closely, not eating more, not reducing exercise, but also not increasing it. I KNOW there are things Ms F. and I worked hard to put back in my diet, which since leaving I've not eaten in a 'no big deal' way, I am aware this is how it's dropped. That's were I'm realistic in how recovered I am.

Every month just believing because I DON'T FEEL or SEE anything BETTER or THINNER or LIGHTER in the mirror, because I don't feel any different in my own skin, or feel any more comfortable in my own skin. 

I've just carried on as I was - not trapped, clinging on to ED, but not massively challenging or moving any further away either. Just generally keeping things the same. 

But if we take the cold hard numbers. They are down. I'm not out, but they are down. But the thing is now, what am I going to do about it? Hm.

Changing the game plan

Let's talk team tactics. First you need to realise this isn't just about food or anorexia now, it's my general game plan for life. It's not even about being too defensive of said life and my actions any more. It's not about attacking people for asking questions that's my worst habit. But, my current game plan seems to be a toxic mix of both, which isn't working for me. 

I feel attacked and the need to be defensive, almost all the time. Of course, I do the attacking but with that, I get more defensive too. All this does it create stalemate. No chance for a winning shot. 

I don't understand why I do it. Other than to try and 'protect' myself, like I believe I protect my 'game plan' and keep myself safe, just thankful I'm not losing. Whatever that means nowadays. I know I still don't think my team, plan or predictions are good enough to share with the bigger squad.

All I know is I still don't know how to react when people make suggestions about my life, when people I care about (and who care about me) want to know something about me. I get defensive quickly, like I'm worried that somehow it's all part of a master plan to catch me out or trip me up. The belief everyone has a motive that's on a difference agenda to mine. It can be as simple a question as 'What have you got planned tonight...' and I'll clam up and respond with 'Nothing, as usual, why?' - maybe it's insecurity, that I wish I did have something on - but reality is, more often that not, I couldn't actually face doing anything. It can be anything though, from exercise, to food and from the clothes I chose and the people I see. 

I've always been defensive of my life and actions, that's not new or balanced. But that's part of me. But deep down, let's be honest here, who (or what) am I protecting when I'm ultra defensive over food or eating out? When people suggest I try to eat something new, or question how I am weight-wise. That's the bit that sits uncomfortably - and it's when I am most likely to attack. 

I realise if I am going to let new people in, to allow people to get to know me - the real me - I am going to have to change my game plan. And maybe even let an assistant coach make some of the tactical decisions once in a while. 

I don't want to manage the whole lot on my own any more. I want to have a real team and not feel like it's Sarah vs the World. But it's been so long out on the field on my own, I've sort of forgotten some people are on the same side as me. 

Although there's still one player on the field that's not really in it for the team. 

The never ending number niggles

Don't read into this as me being at war with my body, or hating my weight or even being scared of food or meal times. It's not like that.

What I can't tell is what's bothering me and what my mind is expecting me to do about solving the conflict.

Before being discharged from services back in March I agreed the best solution to the 'to weigh or not to weigh' issue was a monthly weigh in on public scales at the leisure centre or supermarket. That's been working out fine. It means I'm not tempted to 'just check' my weight more regularly and it's the same scales, so I don't worry about 'the right number' and fret over that.

This morning was sixth month of this routine. A routine which I know is more obsessive than it should be. I go at the same time, wear the same clothes and worry that I might need another wee before stepping on, just incase it's not my 'real weight'. (I think in another life I would make a brilliant Scientist with these controlled experiments!) 

I do worry about the numbers. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that. I don't want them to go up, something I wish I could stop making an issue. The thing is, my weight is down since leaving treatment. Not significantly, but enough to leave me with the lingering fear of getting back to where I was when I waved goodbye to my EDU team. Although today, it was up by 0.4kg on last month. And that throws up conflicts I wish I didn't still have.

I don't try to lose weight, but I don't try to gain either. Anyone who's had anorexia will know the temptation to lose weight is there. The secret hope that stress, or a busy life or the day when you ate a little less meant you lost 'a little' or at least stayed the same. That 0.4kg, 400g, half a pound, bothers me. Not significantly. It just niggles away. Makes me blame myself. That I've eaten too much somewhere this month, that despite running and exercising I have gained weight, when other people eat more than me and lose it. I just want to know why. Have an answer. 

It's not like I'm sat here crying or tearing my hair out - or even changed my breakfast when I got back. I have no intentions of doing that. But it just annoys me. Confirms that I still let my weight get on my nerves, like it always have. In a resentful not hateful way. 

Truth is I AM Conflicted over the benefits of even knowing or if I should confide in a friend about the real numbers and the loss since discharge. No one's noticed, so it's not an issue. I'm not restricting my diet in a way that makes it hollow, I'm generally getting on with life? Plus, I don't really know what to say or the response I'm expecting? Someone will pipe up about 'the need to fully gain weight' and 'recovery being about a healthy weight for your body' and I'm very aware of the rhetoric. I'm  aware that I still hate the idea of weight gain. I'm also aware of the 100 reasons 300g difference in a month is fuck all. 

I'm aware of all that, what I don't know is if this allure of losing weight or the fear of gaining will ever go away after a lifetime of blaming myself for the littlest issue. 

When's a habit a behaviour or a decision a deal?

It'll come as no surprise that I've always been a creature of habit. But when a large chunk of your life has been spent with unhealthy habits, sometimes the comfort of said habits is actually doing more harm than help. 

What I still struggle with is the internal debate on where the line is on habits and eating disordered behaviours actually comes. With the routine and habits that on one hand I see as 'just getting on with life' but on the other are maintaining a semi-recovered status quo. 

Remember those 'no big deals' I battled early in recovery? The NDB habits which Ms. F and Mrs W. challenged everyday when I altered, switched or left bits off my meal plan? Well I guess I should have challenged them more back then, because they're so natural to do.

It's not like the behaviours - or habits - cause me distress or upset though. But I wouldn't know if challenging them does, because I don't do it very often. That's the thing. I do just get on with life. But does that life include controlling my diet, avoiding high calorie 'junk' food and having rules around when I am 'allowed' or 'not allowed' to 'treat' myself by eating out or adding a bread roll? Yes. 

So how is that recovered I hear you ask? Easy, it's not, because I am not free to eat what I want, when I fancy it. I am not free from guilt and I feel like I need to 'earn' those treats. Do I feel guilty for eating or bad when people point out how much, or what I eat or if I think people look 'healthier' than me. Yes. 

But on the other hand, do I WANT to include most of the foods I don't have in my diet? No not really. So this is the conundrum I am in. With no 'weight restoration' plan or dietitian setting out 'challenges' to test anorexia, I don't - or feel the urge to - I just have these habits. My diet. 

I do jut get on with life, but life where I eat lots of salads and 'meat' (Quorn) and have the same 400 calorie breakfast, similar lunches and rotated dinners everyday. I have basket loads of fruit a week and pile my plate with veggies. I eat the same suppers, custard or soya yoghurt with dried fruit and granola for supper. Every. Single. Day. Unless of course, I eat out with colleagues or friends. Once or twice a month. There's some calories I don't count, some things I don't even think about anymore, but I wish I had tried harder to erase the mental calorie 'rough guide' I started when I stopped obsessing. Because that's my guide everyday.

Like I've mentioned in previous posts since discharge, I never hit the golden target weight I was first set, I was a kilo or two under (but in a healthy BMI for a year). And since starting life outside the EDU, my weight's not plummeted, but I have not gained over that number either. The thought of the month I get on the scales and I am that target, scares me. I know this is not right, ok?

But then again, are these just all habits I'm stuck with in an 'anorexia hangover' - or are they behaviours that still control my life? This is the debate I still have. The deals I still do? I don't know. I just get on with living with them and try to ignore food thoughts - and don't really tell people HOW I feel anymore. I just fit them in my routine and try to cope. 

Living and learning to live

The formal period of recovery may be over, and the mass handover of notes and graphs completed, but that doesn't mean the process of recovering is done. 

It's now six weeks since I was discharged from services, and I've not looked back. It almost feels surreal that I spent so many hours, days, months and years in hospital. In all honesty I have to pinch myself that I was ever that ill to need that care (another trait of anorexia there!) 

Each day still feel like a lesson in recovery. And it generally is, I am both student and teacher. 

I can't say I think about anorexia much at all, but that is not to say I feel completely eating disordered free. I know deep down I am still learning to be honest with myself and others about thoughts and food rules. 

My GP has prescribed me AdCal for my bones and Norethisterone to 'kick start' my periods (which I'm scared to start taking, so haven't yet!) and when I told him my weight, he suggested I should finish restoring it. Nope, thanks.I am okay like this. For now. 

That, I know is still eating disordered. But it doesn't consume much of my life. I just don't think about it. The same as weighing myself. I'm proud I've stuck to just monthly weigh ins at a local supermarket. My weight has been stable since discharge, but the 200g 'gain' last month did 'annoy' me. Not that I did anything about losing it - nor was I proud. It's just one of those things. I also can't get my head around upping fat in my diet for muscle development in training. Not sure I even want to. I don't subscribe to all that #girlgain crap. I just do what I enjoy. Running outside, Guerrilla with friends and the occasional PT with my awesome trainer Gaz. 

Do I still body check, yes. Do I let the outcome, good or bad, affect my food. No. I just get on with it. Does other people talking weight loss, diets and 'bad foods' make my head spin a bit. Yes, it does. I envy them and don't like it when they're on 'healthy eating' - but do I know WHY it grates me. Yes. So I deal with it and try not to resent them for it. 

My younger sister, me and best mate at a recent colour run!

Despite this, talking to another post-recovery anorexia sufferer recently made me also realise how much I don't actually identify with people trapped by theirs any more. Which is scary and amazing at the same time. Being in that web really doesn't feel anything close to where I am at. I can barely remember being that ill. That doesn't mean I don't feel guilt or nerves about certain foods or situations, but I am firmly the one in control. That's key. 

Truth is I am still learning, and always will be. We all are at the end of the day. 

Farewell, it's been emotional. But I'm not.

Almost four years after being shipped back to my home town under the cloud of confusion of the deadly downfall into my eating disorder, I'm here. I've reached the eve of my farewell to the hospital that's helped me save my life. 

I had no idea it would take so long, after all, back then I didn't even believe that I was ill at all, let alone be as ill as I was. Four years ago my eating disorder had swallowed my entire life. I was desperate, trapped, holding on to something I thought was the answer to all my worries, problems and desires all wrapped into one. Oh, how wrong I was. 

It's been a rocky road, like anyone who's recovered from anorexia will understand - and anyone who's supported a friend or family though recovery will recall. It makes my head spin to sit here tonight to try and sum it up, it's almost impossible, so I won't really begin. It's been horrible, painful, agonising, confusing, amazing, eye opening, exhilarating and extremely emotional. And everything in between. 

Although on the eve of my discharge from the unit, I'm feeling anything BUT emotional about it. 

I always thought I'd be feeling like I understood myself at this point, like I'd really hit a milestone, that discharge would be like a dissertation or something. Like I'd get a big tick, a mark, feedback on how I'd performed. That I could call it a success. Complete. But it's not like that.

My appointment is actually before work tomorrow, I'll probably go, be asked how I've been during my three months without treatment (I've done okay actually) I'll ask lots of questions, be asked lots too - and not really know how to answer. Then that will be that I guess, 

To be honest, I feel guilty about not being as upset or emotional about not seeing them again. My gosh, when Mrs W left, I was an emotional wreck. but I guess that's the whole point, back then my life was my eating disorder, then my life was my recovery and now that level of emotion has gone from the process. 

Life has sort of been cross fading from the last four years into my future. 

I was always told I would begin to use the tools I've been taught by my team on my own eventually. I never believed them. But now it's starting to make sense. The more I use them, the better skilled I'll become at getting through life, carving my own way. There is a sense deep down that the reason I'm not nervous about moving on is because I don't think my use of these tools have REALLY been tested yet - so I don't really know how I will react. But I will live and learn how to soon enough I guess.

I know that I've not had to deal with weight gain on my own yet, I still don't eat the foods I find challenging very often. I know that I avoid stressful food situations and need to be in control of most of my meals. But as a friend said to me earlier today, I am aware of my behaviour, and know what I am doing and where the line is. And he's right. I fully understand when the tools need to be used. It's only when I step through the next entrance, only when I walk this path that I'll learn how to use them like a pro. 

So, whether tomorrow ends up being an emotional affair or not, it will finally be farewell. A door closing on that chapter of my life. That much I know.