13 March 2016

In Sickness and in (less) Health

Well, when I say in health, I sort of mean less health, more illness. 

Since the start of the year I've been getting a cough and cold and feeling totally exhausted and wiped-out more that I ever have, well, at least in a very long time. But why?

If I take a moment for a reality check, I'll tell you where my finger points. My weight?

It can't be complete coincidence that since Autumn my weight dropped and THEN I started getting viruses can it? That my weight dropped and I ended up needing an ambulance at work is it? As much as part of my head (the anorexic part) thinks all this is a load of BS. I need to get a grip here.

I DESPISE being ill. I mean, sickness, obviously with emetophobia, but generally feeling under-the-weather or having coughs and colds really increases my anxiety. Therefore, I've always been thankful that I've never been that prone to picking up bugs. Until now. 

It's one thing after another, and I know there are loads of nasty ones around this Winter. Not the type that knock you off your feet for a week viruses, but the lingering type, which strike when you've had a few nights bad sleep or a rough day. Yep, those. 

Well, I am ill again and it's got me thinking. I get PLENTY of fruit and vegetables in, I take my vits etc, I am obsessed with my hand sanitiser and cleaning down my desk. So, it must be my body, unable to fight things off as well as it used to. 

I resent being ill. Like really hate it. Because I can't explain or manage my anxiety well when I feel like this either, I just want to be alone. It's like I am disgusted at being ill and scared that I'll pass it on - or that I will get more ill if someone is here. So, I stay alone THEN get anxious that I am alone and feel really vulnerable and lonely. 

I guess I need to find a way to restore some weight soon, like five kilos. Because I want to have the health to get my trainers back on, because running has been hard since my chesty cough, and because I just need to NOT get ill this much. But seriously, I am not sure HOW to do that anymore. 

It's a bitter pill (or Lemsip) to swallow but I need to if I am going to be fully well at some point this year. I've got to do it somehow. Because if I got something like a serious tummy bug (worst.fear.ever) I'd end up in hospital, because my weight would drop from the fear of eating. 

I am leaving myself vulnerable and open to more illness and less health if I don't. And I know it. 


  1. Great to read another post from you, although I'm sorry to hear about the circumstances in which it comes.

    I identify a lot with this. Colds, aches and pains, stomach upsets, are all too common with an immune system that doesn't have the energy to fight anything. In turn, they make us feel physically and emotionally worse, spurring disordered behaviour.

    I know I can't face another winter at my weight, as the coldness left me clinging to the electric fire almost every day for the past couple of months.

    Perhaps the best we can do is use it as motivation to recover, with the knowledge that as we restore weight, cold, illness, anxiety, will all gradually reduce.

    Stay strong, you can fight this. :-)
    Dan x

  2. Hello Dan. Thank you for your kind words and comment. I do hope you're able to find strength to do it. I recall some horrible winters at my lowest and it was part of getting my motivation for getting better back then. I just need to finish off this last bit of weight to feel full fitness! Take care, Sarah


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