26 October 2011

Why Don't I Jump?


The books and videos and blogs are right, the EATING IS THE HARDEST PART but it is the part that will make the difference to me right now. It is the difference between THINKING positively – this week has FELT positive in my head but I need to now make FEELING positive in to actually being POSITIVE. But this is going to mean REALLY facing my fears and jumping in.

This is so scary, but everything I have read and watched (both my Jenni Schaefer) has said the same thing, that it is the scariest bit, it is the hardest bit but I HAVE TO JUMP, TRUST MY PARACHUTE will open.

I have been thinking ‘strong’ all day and now it is 9pm and time to actually eat more I get scared and totally back out of it and talk myself out of adding to my calorie totals, convincing myself that 800 calories is fine. This is what I mean when I say I feel strong when I read about it, I know it’s in me to do it, to jump but in reality Ana keeps dragging me back and makes me feel weak. I keep saying I’ll wait till XX time or ‘I’ll do more tomorrow’ but this is Ana keeping me hanging until the next time I get on the scales. I know I need to be less scared of this.

I know EXACTLY what I need to do RIGHT now, why don’t I just jump. What am I ACTUALLY scared of? Why am I falling for her tricks? Why do I feel the need to give her the satisfaction of the number she says she’ll be happy with on Friday *this number used to be 14lbs heavier than I am now remember Sarah* Why do I want to make her stronger?

Because to RECOVER and to get me BACK I need to JUMP, right now the JUMP is supper tonight. It’s a small jump because I can’t see it taking me to 1200. But a small jump is better than sitting here making ANA stronger isn’t it?


  1. sometimes, the small jumps are MORE important than the big ones. i KNOW you can do this! one step at a time, one meal at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time... use whichever one you need at that time and make those small jumps. and the more you disobey the ed (even if you agree with it, like jenni says in her book) you are giving the ed LESS and LESS power! you got this!! ;)

  2. I totally understand why you're scared to jump. I mean, it takes a lot of faith and courage to let go of what has made you feel secure and safe for so long. It's scary!

    Something that helps me is to think of how empowered I will feel the next day after disobeying ED. This morning, I woke up feeling a lot better about my own self-worth after disobeying ED last night.

    I believe in you!


  3. Hey girls.
    Guess what. I totally HAD supper - It might have not been the WHOLE amount of calories i needed- but i disobeyed Ana and hd a cereal bar and some dried fruit! I was proud of me!
    Little jumps will turn to big ones before i know it - I hope! :) xxx