VBDs are the new NBDs...

Right, I need to sort it out. It’s been FAR too easy to accept these ‘no big deal’ slips over the last few days. It’s NOT okay that I avoided the Starbucks coffee, not acceptable that I knew I was able to pull the wool over my friend's eyes because she didn’t know the difference in my head between a Costa coffee and a Starbucks (Yes, the difference is 50 calories!) It is also not okay that I didn’t have a 200+ calorie cereal bar for a snack, when I know too well that my dietician and I discussed that it HAD to be over 200. It’s definitely NOT okay that I skipped supper last night either.

Ana was super quick to get in there and I know it.Truth be told, it totally made me feel better after all the stress of the family, the bloated and fat feeling was squished a little. I let her ‘soothe’ my anxiety like a fool. I fell back to her for that little bit of support because my Mum was in bed and I knew I could. 

I am disappointed. It is such a snowball effect from keeping close company with Ana this week, not full on company, not isolating or destructive company, but 'just enough' to snowball. 

The little ‘no big deals’ add up. Like weighing my food and counting and skipping higher-calorie options, like walking too much, like keeping more active then I am meant to, like putting one less spoon of porridge in my bowl...no biggy right?

It frustrates me how easy it is to let her soothe all those worries away sometimes though. I give her little bits of control here and there and she finds ways to get under my skin and tally up the ‘no big deals’ It’s scary how she can help me pull the wool over some people’s eyes, use their lack of understanding and ignorance to her advantage. These 'no big deals' are the reason I have been so slow in starting any sort of weight restoration and why my liver has been in deterioration. So, they are big deals aren't they? 

I need to be stronger than this, I need to stop kidding myself that I am stronger than her and I need to remember that letting her soothe anxieties means I will be stuck with the bitch for A LOT longer, for an even more tedious and torturous journey.

I keep trying to keep reminding myself that I am going to feel like this feel fat and feel like my stomach looks huge and round and flabby at the moment as my body changes. As my body soaks up the nutrition and goodness I am putting back in it.  I am going to feel full. I am going to be hungry and stuff all at the same time. I am going to crave food or hate food. But I need to remember that  I WONT feel like this forever.

 I need to trust my team on that one because I still can’t see past the weight gains, the fat, and the upward numbers or past my body not being what I want. But more than anything right now, I need to remember that NO BIG DEALS ARE VERY BIG DEALS in recovery. I need to be honest and tell my team about ALL of these moment and put strategies in place to fight them. Everytime.

From now on any moments I find the urge to give in to Ana, those NO BIG DEAL moments have to be quickly transformed in to VERY BIG DEAL moments and I need to act there and then on the switch. Not afterwards, but in the moment.