29 August 2015

The never ending number niggles

Don't read into this as me being at war with my body, or hating my weight or even being scared of food or meal times. It's not like that.

What I can't tell is what's bothering me and what my mind is expecting me to do about solving the conflict.

Before being discharged from services back in March I agreed the best solution to the 'to weigh or not to weigh' issue was a monthly weigh in on public scales at the leisure centre or supermarket. That's been working out fine. It means I'm not tempted to 'just check' my weight more regularly and it's the same scales, so I don't worry about 'the right number' and fret over that.

This morning was sixth month of this routine. A routine which I know is more obsessive than it should be. I go at the same time, wear the same clothes and worry that I might need another wee before stepping on, just incase it's not my 'real weight'. (I think in another life I would make a brilliant Scientist with these controlled experiments!) 

I do worry about the numbers. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that. I don't want them to go up, something I wish I could stop making an issue. The thing is, my weight is down since leaving treatment. Not significantly, but enough to leave me with the lingering fear of getting back to where I was when I waved goodbye to my EDU team. Although today, it was up by 0.4kg on last month. And that throws up conflicts I wish I didn't still have.

I don't try to lose weight, but I don't try to gain either. Anyone who's had anorexia will know the temptation to lose weight is there. The secret hope that stress, or a busy life or the day when you ate a little less meant you lost 'a little' or at least stayed the same. That 0.4kg, 400g, half a pound, bothers me. Not significantly. It just niggles away. Makes me blame myself. That I've eaten too much somewhere this month, that despite running and exercising I have gained weight, when other people eat more than me and lose it. I just want to know why. Have an answer. 

It's not like I'm sat here crying or tearing my hair out - or even changed my breakfast when I got back. I have no intentions of doing that. But it just annoys me. Confirms that I still let my weight get on my nerves, like it always have. In a resentful not hateful way. 

Truth is I AM Conflicted over the benefits of even knowing or if I should confide in a friend about the real numbers and the loss since discharge. No one's noticed, so it's not an issue. I'm not restricting my diet in a way that makes it hollow, I'm generally getting on with life? Plus, I don't really know what to say or the response I'm expecting? Someone will pipe up about 'the need to fully gain weight' and 'recovery being about a healthy weight for your body' and I'm very aware of the rhetoric. I'm  aware that I still hate the idea of weight gain. I'm also aware of the 100 reasons 300g difference in a month is fuck all. 

I'm aware of all that, what I don't know is if this allure of losing weight or the fear of gaining will ever go away after a lifetime of blaming myself for the littlest issue. 

1 comment :

  1. The 'rhetoric' about weight gain is truth Sarah, not just some stuff ED services make up. It comes from research. Being a lower weight than we ought to be maintains the ED mindset. You are very likely to be minimising any weight loss, and it does matter than 400g bothers you. I have been told that any BMI much under 19 is likely to trigger off the ED mindset and there are varying degrees of that in intensity, I suppose. You know you need to confide in a friend about the real numbers and I also wonder about the amount of running you are doing. Are you really replacing all those calories? Could you have a week off and continue to eat normally? You really don't want years of 'functional / ok / but still those niggles'. It's like walking on the edge of a cliff and I have learned that the hard way. I know I don't know you, or your situation, but you have written quite openly about your recovery which is why I am commenting.