3 January 2014

Neither a devout anorexic or without anorexia

If only all the things I make myself do in life outside of my own recovery were enough to fix me. If only they were pure, without corruption from anorexia. 

Trouble is, they're not. They help, gosh, they help. But they're not enough. It's only me that can do that, with HARD work on MY recovery. 

I know I just make myself and do more, which is great, it's rebuilding life I lost to this illness, but half of it is because I do not feel like my life is full enough. That makes me feel rubbish. 

I have learnt ways of coping and managing with anorexia and ignore the feelings that stem from all the 'core beliefs' I haven't dealt with yet, you know the ones I mean, they're the beliefs I REALLY struggle with. 

The feelings and beliefs still tying me to anorexia. 

Being super-busy with work and campaigning has been a welcome to distraction for the past couple of months. I love being busy, it's great. But here come the reality check. 

I'm NOT recovered.

I know now I could probably keep on managing and coping, forever, but by doing this, it means I have to keep anorexia's shackles tied to my ankles, forever. Side of my stage, waiting for me to falter. It's somehow worse, because it's more subtle, people don't notice or panic about me any more because anorexia's left my 'spotlight' again, but she's still here.

Plus the comparison, the jealousy and the feelings I get with being with other people (eating disordered or normal) is not getting easier. I know I shouldn't let myself get caught in the comparison trap, but that is also easier said than done. Right?

The reason that this isn't recovered or an acceptable level of recovery (to me) is that the inner monologue from anorexia, the whisper, still drives me mad. Mainly because positives always end up being negatives. 

I know that distracting myself with 'things' makes life seem much better and makes me feel more positive, which is welcomed, but it always ends up conflicted with the beliefs that I still believe. 

Everything I do is still tarnished by the doubt, fear and negativity of anorexia. 

I feel the meal plan compensations are necessary, I eat, but I carry around the guilt of going against what anorexia would prefer me to do. I do things, but not spontaneously. I can switch my meal plan around, but hearing anorexia means ill always have guilt or over-thinking attached to them if I do not completely side with anorexia. I have no drive to lose weight, but no motivation to gain either. Dare I say it, anorexia still feels fake and that just gets worse the more I cope with life. 

And overcoming these issues won't happen by distracting myself.

It's exhausting balancing it all, there are still lies. I still hide. There are the whispers from other people who are scared to tell me what they REALLY think. There are the therapists that still worry, there are the scales they still use, the charts with undesirable trends and the unhappy organs inside. 

However much I distract myself, however fake I feel, however much I think I am not anorexic or convince myself I am doing what I want. Honestly, I'm not, because anorexia's shackles are still tugging at my ankles. 

Deep down, I know I still follow her rules. Even if not devout in practice these days, they're part of my mantra and I dip in and out, too often. 


  1. Your words are very close to home.
    Recovery is a tough process, which I think gets harder the more 'normal' you look from the outside. As soon as you don't 'look' anorexic people think you're 'magically better', but that's where the battle really begins.
    I envy you still receiving therapy, but very glad you are too, as I guess it's now that it might be most challenging. My area couldn't fund me any longer, and because I am no longer 'critical' I'm on my own. Good luck for 2014 and may it be the year you achieve recovered. I look forward to reading your journey and it's inspiration.

  2. Completely agree, great post as usual.

    I was given a couple of handouts which I thought were helpful around some of this stuff. Hope you don't mind me posting links (but please feel free to delete/ignore!)