1 November 2011

New Month, New Approach

WOW. Honesty has been OOZING out of me today. It's tough, I get these pangs of guilt to Ana, but that's what I NEED to do. I have 'snitched' on her a lot today and that's what I am going to keep doing, until she no longer TRUSTS me!

I have also taken a MASSIVE leap, jump, skip, run today and put ALL my trust in my recovery team. I SUGGESTED, yes I SUGGESTED that I now need the meal plans they've been hinted at.

I decided that Ana was all too often creeping in on my meal choices, my choice to miss snacks and cut corners with calories and generally making meal time choices a nightmare. Not anymore.

Ms F. and I have worked out all my meals, snacks and suppers until next week and I HAVE to complete the whole lot. There are days I am already terrified about, I know there will be times when Ana gives me massive conflicts and REALLY has a go, but there is NOTHING she can do to alter the food I eat.

I'll now be able to 'agree and disobey' and hopefully 'disagree and disobey' her and I will be able to breakdown the conversations I have with Ana over food, without it affecting my calories/choices and meals.

One of my major problems is seeing food as 'good and bad' and 'healthy and unhealthy' and life in general as 'black and white'. Something I need to change during recovery to enable me to embrace the grey areas, but for now, this meal plan is black and white. That is good.

If I DON'T eat the meals or snacks Ana is winning
If I DO stick to the plan. I win.

It's going to be easy to discuss during sessions. Easy to see where I succeed and to see IF Ana succeeds and it stops Ana being able to blur my thoughts of whether I've had and good or bad week regarding food when I am asked.

Yes, It means I lose control over my meals on a day to day basis. Something I thought I'd never be able to accept, but I need to so I can beat this, so I can recover and so that control doesn't get handed over to my worst enemy, I might have mentioned her....Ana?

P.S. Day 1 of meal plans - SUCCESS! (Just need supper with my Fortisip and it'll be a full house!)

1 comment :

  1. I too place a lot of morality on food. This food is "good". That food is "bad". It's going to take a lot of practice to transform our thinking, but we can do it! I hope that having meal plans will bring you more peace and calm as it eliminates the internal struggle that comes with making eating choices. Let your meal plan be your guide. Fill us in on how it goes!