10 November 2011

Counting Calories...

A journal entry I wanted to share highlighting that even with my new food plans I am STILL trying to battle the urges and compulsions to add everything up..all the time.

"I need to remember I need to STOP COUNTING THE CALORIES. Although, if I am honest with myself, I am still having a lot of trouble remembering that.

I am also struggling to not worry that by not counting the calories in everything that It will mean that I will completely OVER eat and get huge. I feel like I SHOULD BE counting calories and totting them up and knowing how many I have eaten at any given moment. To me this feels normal, it feels like it should happen and is just the way eating goes. You know what you've had and how much it is. 

The problem is that NOT knowing feels so weird and alien to me and I really can’t get my head round that. I feel sort of irresponsible and out of control not knowing. I need to rewire my brain thought because I need to not care, because for as long as I care this much about the exact calories Ana is going to be listening and watching and waiting just around the corner to trip me up when I have ‘eaten too much’ and praise me for ‘eating too little’

I know I need to trust that Ms. F hasn’t given me a zillion calories to consume per day, although it feels like it. I need to trust that she is in fact giving me enough to restore my health, my liver function and yes, my weight. Her and Mrs W. just want me to get BETTER and RECOVER. 

I just can’t help stressing though because I am, in black and white, eating A LOT more than before, even a lot more than two weeks ago. BUT I NEED TO. I am not on a bloody diet any more, I am not meant to have the purpose of maintaining or losing weight, I am not restricting for Ana anymore. I need to not ‘watch’ what I eat to lose a few pounds; I don’t need to eat to look healthy. I need to embrace recovery and get a grip. 

Life is not a diet any more."

1 comment :

  1. When I went to college the first time (I had to leave for health reasons) I was a mathematics minor, so I understand the need or want to fixate on a number... However, I was also a Chemistry major and I remember the day that it occurred to me what a calorie actually was. It's a representation of how much energy it takes to raise the temperature of an object. If you really think about that... it kind of makes you wonder. This unit of measurement is man-made... meaning people at some point lived without using it... A study at Harvard in the past year actually showed that calorie counting is outdated...

    Your body is designed to know what it needs. It takes a long time -- my body is still trying to get back there, but I have been there before -- but eventually it will find that place where you can eat intuitively and your weight will have negligible fluctuation. intuitive eating is the best diet, because it's no diet, rather how your body was made to function.

    and remember YOU are worth fighting for.