25 November 2011

Ana Says I'm Faking It...

..so I must be? Right?

But she’s getting good at trying to tell me that I am faking this, I am not a ‘true friend’ or really anorexic because I am slowly, very slowly leaving her behind. Her new favourite game is to see how long it takes to convince me that I am causing my own problems and my eating disorder – which is usually the same amount of time it takes me to eat a meal or drink a coffee with actual sugar syrup! This is becoming a worse feeling than the guilt of eating.

Take last night for example…Ana was telling me whilst I was making my dinner that that I should put less lentils on my plate, that I should really only eat half of my pitta bread, that that beef tomato is far too big, and I should only eat half. I found the strength to ignore her on all accounts. (Well, I suppose I could have put a few more lentils on my plate, but I did take an extra little mouthful to prove a point!) Whilst I was eating all her thoughts were whizzing around my head, but I ignored and carried on eating until I was finished, and it felt good. Until I let myself think about it.

So, instead of accepting that I enjoyed my dinner and being proud of disobeying her abusive rules, I listened to her and caught up in the confusion over what I had eaten. She has found a way in, that isn’t as obvious as controlling the food I put on my plate or in my mouth. It’s like she’s trying to convince me that I am no longer anorexic because I just ate my dinner. All of it. That I am faking this whole disorder, that I am fraudulent anorexic because I can eat now. The fact I am strong enough to ignore her during (some) meals means I’m ‘cured’.

This is totally the ‘D’ word cropping up, yes, DENIAL isn't it? I know if I listen her and believe her or wasn't aware of what her games are now she has my meal plans to get around, she’d pretty much keep me right here, not challenging myself and under her wicked, wretched watch.

I need to CONSTANTLY remind myself  that my new-found ability to ignore her at times doesn't mean that I no longer have anorexia, it doesn't mean that I am faking this, it doesn’t mean I am dragging it out because I like it (I don’t) it means I am FIGHTING it. 

I need to remind myself to EMBRACE moments when I feel strong and not panic that these moments mean I have lost control over my life, recovery or eating. I need to not let Ana in on these moments and make me feel guilty for having little snippets of freedom from her. Or worse, let her convince me that because I find moments where I feel strong enough to silence her and because I am starting to enjoy and WANT some food, that I am okay.

The more I fight, the stronger I will become, the quiet she’ll be and the easier recovery will get, right?

1 comment :

  1. I struggle with the concept of wondering if I don't actually have a problem as well (though for different reasons)... but the thing is? You're recovering from one which means at some point things will get easier. Which is a good thing ;)

    and yes, definitely take those moments to enjoy and live your life... it IS what you're working for after all!