1 October 2017

Is there a fix out there?

Why am I wired to worry so much and look for problems and try to fix imperfections? It's exhausting, it really is. Do you know what I mean?

At the moment it's my body and the way I eat (irresponsibly in my head). It's also money, I don't feel like I have enough and that I'm spending too much flippantly. The flippant goes for food too. 

One theory is that my house and job are as secure as they've been since before I was ill. In fact, both are better than ever. I own my home and I love my job. Two things that I didn't have in London. I have my little kitten and I haven't got dramas with family or friends to worry about. I like who the hell I like and if I don't like them. I don't see or talk those people. Fully in control.

Talking about control...I was coming to that. I don't feel capable of controlling my body any more. I don't feel like I am in control of food and when unexpected bills come in (like this week!) I don't feel in control of that. I don't like that.

Let's start with my body. I hate it. I'm stuck between wishing I was perfect like I used to wish...you know, the perfect that doesn't exist because I can't describe it. I just hate my stomach, my legs feeling 'thick' my arms looking bigger than they have. My shapeless torso, or the barrel I've always called it. I hate that my boobs haven't grown back to 36C they were. Yes the 36 makes me feel grotesque but the C would be nice. Then my crappy GP weighed me and it was WAY higher than expected - I know why, end of the day, fully clothed, needed a wee and old mechanical scales....regardless, I don't feel like there is a solution to these thoughts and feelings. But I want to fix them.

Then it turns to food and calories. I feel like I am eating too freely and too much 'unknown' calorific foods. By that I mean too many nuts and dried fruits not Doughnuts or crisps or whatever. I feel like a fool for having too many cappuccinos or by using oat milks with 50kcal per 100ml because it makes me feel better than daily skimmed (vegan/vegetarian belief wise) but makes me feel shit for the extra intake. I feel like I over eat every freaking day because I track around 1500 of those calories but don't count my milk. And that means I must be way over. And I still have issues with carbs and snacks that aren't fruit. 

Money. Well I am not broke by any means, but I am not happy with my bank balance. I have money in my account and savings. Enough to cover my mortgage and other outgoings for a month if I needed to. But I am still worrying about it. But not uncontrollably I just feel guilty and frivolous and irresponsible. The same feelings I have about the way I eat. I am constantly looking at how I could sell things to make money and top up/counteract my spending. Part of this is not ever wanting debt like before, or to not realise what I spend, like not wanting to not know what I eat. I remember in the past walking around Westfield London, eating food I didn't know the calories of, lattes I don't know what milk they used and spending £100s on clothes and make up I couldn't afford. 

The issue is here I hated that Sarah. I was looking for a fix or solution back then. And I still am her, there's the issue. The only thibg in my life ever to take that away was anorexia  and what keeps me going and writing this and still eating and sitting still is the fact that despite not being happy about myself, I am aware anorexia is NOT the solution to fix those things. 

But I still want to fix them....


  1. Do you think that after anorexia we can ever diet again?

  2. I’m not sure I can personally - it would tap into those thoughts and habits. But some alcoholics may be able to drink again - but some need to abstain for life. I guess it’s personal.