19 September 2017

Why I'm jealous of dieters 

I try to protest that I'm not influenced by society that much when it comes to diets and weight loss talk going on around me, but I am starting to realise how much I probably am affected.

It REALLY annoys me that it affects me though, because the same old advise seems so easy to dish out...."Don't compare yourself...", "Ignore it..." and the worst..."But you don't need to lose weight so why does it bother you..."

It bothers me because I remember how good losing weight made me feel, how eurphoic it left me, how proud I was of the numbers going down, my body reducing and my ability to survive on as little food as possible. It was something I became good at.

When people talk about 'good and bad' foods and being 'good and bad' with eating and exercise. When they talk numbers and goal weights, as wave of thoughts and jealous comes over me and I'm overwhelmed with what I feel and what I think I shouldn't or should feel instead. 

Some of it is because I see my body and just think a few less calories a day and a few pounds lighter would improve me. Some of it is competitiveness at wanting to be the woman who can shed the most and then there are the pangs of wishing I had weight to lose to 'join in'. 

I think one of the most misunderstood bits of anorexia recovery for me is how much having my issues with food and body isolates me from so many conversations people have in everyday life. I don't think people realise it's like talking about booze and drinking reaptedly in the company of a recovering alcoholic, but that's what it is.

It feeds the illness, the addiction to calories, food and diets. It is painful and confusing, but the thing is, if I speak up about how it affects me (and I am guessing so many other people) I'll be told that I am in the minority and to just 'ignore' the 'diet and weight loss chat' but it's not that easy, In fact it's really fucking hard. 

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