2 November 2014

Is it about time I turned a page?

I've been contemplating the corner of this page for a while not sure if I dare peak ahead or not, but I think I know what the next chapter starts with already...

"Life isn't perfect and recovery isn't a destination" Would be probably be the title of the chapter, or something along those lines. 

Although what makes me feel a tad sick is the fact I've always held on to the hope that I would swim ashore some place in recovery and everything would be sorted. I wouldn't hate my body, I'd eat what I wanted and not compare myself to others. But the longer I've been on this journey, the more I've come to understand that might never all arrive at once. 

I'll get to the point. I've always been kept afloat, or encouraged to keep turning pages, by Mrs W, Ms F. and for the past 18 months by Dr. B, which I've needed thus far. I've needed them to read to me at times too. However, it's felt recently more like I am just not bothering to read at all. 

So am I wasting their time, when they could be reading to someone else, someone who needs that comforting sound of being read to more than I?

I do pick up the book and focus sometimes, go over the punchlines and headlines to get me through, but I sort of know the chapters and pages by heart now. I can recite them when I get the time. The thing that's keeping me where I am, are the niggling thoughts that I haven't REALLY understood every page I've read up to now. Even when I have, I can't say I like those chapters or want to refer back to them. Let me explain...

..I still don't particularly like the idea of this 'free' eating thing, and I still know the calorie content book more word-for-word than the mindful eating manta. I feel guilty about enjoying foods. I can't say I like my body, and yes, I still think I need a way to fix it. I still get anxious about mistakes and mishaps and if I wanted children tomorrow I couldn't have them. 

That aside, I don't FEEL anorexic now. I don't think 'anorexically', I am a healthy BMI, although not 'quite' at mid-range target (Yes, that's a BMI of 22ish) and I generally focus on other parts of life for 90 per cent of the time. Which makes reading chapters with Dr B feel like I'm wasting his time when I see him. Like I already know the end of the story anyway.

However, the reason I'm not turning the corner is I also feel like I am reading ahead and that closing the book fully would mean I crave rereading it. It also feels like a bit of a disappointment. Like I was hoping the final chapter would be the best, and yet it's not feeling that way. I sort of also feel I have skim read a chapter or two, and never quite finished the book....

Despite being sick of the same old story, and reading 10 other books at the same time, putting down the recovery book NOW would make me feel like there was always more I could ha.........................


  1. Maybe where you are is ok for now, you've clearly worked hard to get here. It is sometimes ok to maintain progress and then when you feel ready, or your circumstances require it, take the next steps.

  2. Thank you for such beautiful inspirational writing. I think we both share 'Dr B' . You're giving me hope on a difficult journey.