Where do we go from here?

So, today it is 2 years, 5 months, and 24 days since I started treatment at my current eating disorders service. That's 904 days scattered with therapy, dietician appointments, meal plans, blood tests, weigh-ins and apparently that's around 21,816 hours filled up fighting anorexia. 

In that time I've eaten, I've cried, I've lost weight, I gained LOTS of weight and in the words of my dietician I 'have worked really hard' to beat my eating disorder. I've switched therapists, banned my family from ever coming to another FT session. I've let people into my life, my recovery journey. I've pushed others - some very unhelpful people - away. I've regained nuggets of life, I'm rebuilding my career, I hope I've helped others' in recovery and I'm getting to know ME again. 

But REALLY where am I now? Where do I go from here? How can I keep going? How can I fully recover and be FREE of this? They were the big questions at my review last week and honestly?

I have no idea.

Recently it's been said I've slipped into a 'false sense of recovery' with life ticking along, with tough days and challenges yes, but generally plodding on.

My team have concerns this is dangerous place for me, because it leaves anorexia unchallenged on a day-to-day basis. I get caught up in a whirlwind of life going well, but it exposes me to the dangers of crashing if something goes even slightly wrong. 

I never wanted to be the skeletal wreak of a woman I was 2 years ago, it scared the hell out of me, I knew it wasn't right to look the way I did. Nine hundred days ago my body was shutting down, my health deteriorating by the day and I was terrifying my loved ones with the worst case scenario if I didn't take action.

That's why I have worked bloody hard to get to the weight I am, to be healthier, fitter. Some people NEVER get to here, halting at a much lower BMI. But this is the block now. I am really struggling to move from here. I can't bear to gain more weight, in fact I dread it. To lay it straight - I am 'borderline healthy', constantly fluctuating above and below the healthy range. And I don't seem to move from here. I can't see I need to. 

No, I am not menstruating, which I am constantly reminded is dangerous being a 28 year-old woman who wants children. Although my bones are okay at the moment. My bloods are pretty much there, but not quite. 

Food? It's safe. controlled and way too over-analysed. I've been empowered by Ms. F to be able to set my own meal plan, and don't feel trapped by my options but I'm not kidding myself either. I too often make 'No Big Deal' switches and happy to go off-plan if it means eating fewer calories. I still feel like I eat too much and get overwhelmed with guilt if I DARE eat too much 'junk', I'll eat out, sometimes and I still won't let people cook for me. This needs work, I know. 

I won't even get into the psychological progress; there is a hell of a lot of untangling still required. All I would say is through the amazing work of Mrs W. I'm so much more 'aware' of my illness, I have the tools to cope with and manage anorexia. With Dr B. I am getting to the roots of the problem, but it's taking time.

So, like I say, where do I go from here? Well, 

I am moving from weekly to monthly dietician appointments with Ms F. 

I will continue to set my own meal plans and fill out food diaries. 

I will be weighed monthly (like I have been for the last six months) 

I will continue having weekly therapy sessions with Dr. B.

I guess the POA is about weaning me off services. They believe 'I know what I need to do' and although it does confuse me, that they think I am 'fine' now, food wise and I no longer need to restore weight, I know they want to prove that I CAN DO THIS myself. I know what to do, I just need to do it. They're right, being propped up by services and supported can do more harm than good sometimes. 

But guess what? I still have anorexia.

I also only have 1 year, 1 month, 18 days until my self-set deadline for discharge. That's just 414 days to prove I can beat anorexia.