11 January 2014

Struggling to cope, or coping with struggles?

Recovery has been confusing and conflicting since day one, I was warned it would be and people weren't wrong. It's a tough, bumpy and painful journey from the off. It's a struggle. 

But I've learnt to cope with the anxiety and struggle of it all.
I've just learnt to cope. 

With the help of Ms. F I learnt what I need to eat, Mrs. W taught me that I can rebuild life and get through and now Dr B. is helping me untangle the 15-year descent into the hands of anorexia. 

I've been doing okay since August '11, I've been doing cracking on with the regeneration of my life, getting on with it, sticking to the 'plan' and swimming on. Despite the constant niggle that I'm somehow weaker, less in control and worse off for recovering, I've always reminded myself of the truth behind those lies.

But recently, I've started questioning how well I am actually coping with it all, you know, recovery wise. 

How much I am actually moving forward with my recovery?

For a while now, everyone has complimented my progress, in the way I LOOK and what I DO, the LIFE I've been rebuilding. I agree, that's all got better.

But now people are starting to ask me if I am OKAY again? Why now?

I'll admit, it's easy to take my eye off the recovery-ball, to keep going with the bits of life that feel good (which IS good) the point of recovery is reminding ourselves of the things life contains AWAY from anorexia.

I'm good at that. But it also means I'm good at thinking I'm more sorted than I am. Sort of WISHING and WILLING myself to be okay.

But honestly, I don't know. 

If I am struggling to restore the remaining weight. 
If I am struggling to even stop a recent 'trend' in behaviours.
If I am struggling to even accept the aforementioned needs to happen.
If I am struggling to stop clocking my calories (even if just roughly) 
If I am struggling to challenge myself without compensating.
If I am struggling to FULLY participate in life.
If I am struggling to do some of the things Ms. F says I should be doing.
If I am struggling to trust other people's opinions of me. 
If I am struggling to not compare myself to other people.
If I am struggling to believe in myself. 

Am I struggling with recovery? 
Millions would say yes. But as per usual, I disagree. 

It's why I find it hard to hear people ask if I'm okay, of course I am.
 I'm coping aren't I? Of course I cope. Look, see. I cope.  

It's not a crash, horrible anxious mess of free-fall into anorexia or even anything that is concious, I don't want to go backwards, I'm not. But that makes it even more confusing when people ask how it's all going.  

The 'No Big Deals' seem even LESS of an issue to me, challenging myself is sometimes LESS stressful that it's ever been, but sometimes I just CAN'T do it. And when I do, honestly, it usually involves a deal with the devil with' being good' in other areas.

The worst bit is that anorexia still gets kicks out of people telling me I'm struggling. That's what she wants to happen, but it's a weed still tangled in my thoughts.

Sometimes I think I'm a victim of my own coping methods. (See my 'make up' post) 

I just cope with life and recovery, I cope with the anxiety. I just have my 'way' of coping. I hope I cope. 

But when coping means recovery isn't moving forward, when coping means recovery is struggling.

Am I therefore struggling to cope? 

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