2 January 2014

Glancing back and going forward

Well, there goes another year in recovery...

And what a year it was, however quick it went, but Mrs W. was right, the years do just fly by and anorexia will keep eating away at the months, years and even the decades if I let it.

In the year, I would say more than anything I learnt to cope and manage with anorexia and the battle of recovery rather than really throwing myself towards 'recovered'. I've stayed afloat, alongside picking up bits of life, rather than doing an awful lot about trying to push and overcome it all. 

I've dealt with a lot too, more campaigning, more sharing my mental health battles, more work, change of therapists, etc, etc...

It has been 12 months of adding experiences to my 'life box' I've run, met people, raised money for Beat, been on TV, seen friends, rebuilt some of my life. Shared. I'm proud of all that. I tweet it all.

But, the bits I don't often say. No more beating around the bush, the reality check comes in as I'm ending the year weighing the same as this time last year, yes a healthy BMI, but my liver still isn't repairing, I still haven't got periods and I still don't have the motivation to be more. 

I know from recent conversations with my team, they're concerned that weight restoration is 'stagnant' along with my attitude towards recovery, if I'm honest. 

I've just not focused on recovery and the 'doing' as much as I should do. It doesn't seem as 'urgent' somehow, no one seems to worry. So I don't. 

The past few months I've had little motivation to challenge or push myself, I've just carried on coping with life (and not coping at times too). Swept up in a whirlwind of work, rushing around and focusing on helping others instead of myself. The latter is the ultimate crime in recovery. I know it needs to be about me. 

I can't say I feel any better about my body or that I am able to or willing to accept it any more than I did last new year. I'm not. It doesn't feel good enough. At all. But I guess that's the work for 2014?

Looking at my journal from New Year's Eve 2012, it is the same thoughts and beliefs about myself, but I also know work wise I was more confident today than a year ago at and I have got better at not letting my mood about food all my body get in the way of the things I need to get done. I have learnt more 'tactics' and methods to lock away the thoughts, the worrying and the insecurities about things. But that's what I mean, my awareness has grown and I've learnt to cope. But that's not the recovery I signed up for.

I am also questioning the amount of a psychological progress I've actually made since last year. I guess this is a clear sign that not attempting to challenge or change these embedded self beliefs, will result in 5, 10 or even 20 years of living just like this? No thank you.
Although, I was dreading January (and all the pressure) this time last year, but today I am more driven to do more and I have more ambition to make progress in life rather than it being as daunting. 

I accept that my life is much fuller in some areas than last year, work and campaigning about eating disorders are definitely, socially I do more, but I can't say that I enjoy it much more yet.  But that is where my 2014 New Year's Resolutions or pledges come in...

Recovery Resolutions for 2014:

1. Get out there
Live more, do more, go more, see more, work more, and stop hiding away because it suits anorexia to do so.
2. Beleive
Believe in myself, believe in recovery, believe other people, believe in the process.
3. Keep Swimming
Don't go back, don't tread water and don't drown with the eating disorder sharks. 

I do feel that this year's resolutions are natural progressions from last year's 'let it be', which I am better at doing, 'Keep Moving', which I need to apply to new areas not just work! And 'Decide, Commit and Do', I did start ballet I did decorate and I did see more people.

Like I said. I've been stuck here for a while, and that's where my pledges for 2014 come in, they need to help me swim on. In all areas of life, and as much as I hate it. With food and weight too. 

I guess I don't understand what comes next. 

Happy New Year. Here's to recovery and life. And progress. 


1 comment :

  1. I love your honesty and insightfulness; it is so refreshing.

    I think recovery is such an objective thing, and different people expect different things. As long as you 'keep swimming' in your own direction, that is all anyone can ask of you. Try not to feel under too much pressure from your team with undue expectations. They only want the best for you, but you have to go at your own pace, otherwise it can backfire. It sounds like you have done so well over this last year, and you, and your team, should acknowledge that, and praise yourself for your wonderful achievements! Sometimes, not going backwards, but simply maintaining, is a colossal achievement in itself. I know how difficult it is to just stay stable, let alone move forwards.

    I hope you are able to carry out the recovery resolutions you want to achieve, and I hope that 2014 is a happy, hopeful and healthy one for you!

    Take care! X