15 April 2012

Who Made Recovery So Confusing?

...Real or Not Real? Hungry or Not Hungry? Controlled or Free? 

I don’t know if I am hungry or greedy, If I am right or wrong? Am I real or fake? Ill or well?  I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I am strong or weak and I don’t even know what I feel. Do I feel sick or ill or don’t I? It all feels so hard though. 

As usual, I am scared about the weigh in tomorrow; I just have this overwhelming feeling that I am going to hate it. That I have messed up my week and it’s out of control.  I don’t know what I feel, I don’t know what I have done right or wrong, I don’t know if it’s easier or harder. I just don’t know.  

I know that Ms F is going to ask me what I think I just don’t know I just feel like I am trying hard, but like I am wasting everyone’s time. I don’t know what’s up with me and I don’t have any answers. I feel like I am eating because everyone tells me I have to. I don’t even know if I enjoy it or not? Do I like food or not? Am I scared or not? Do I like baking and cooking or do I despise it or am I obsessed with it? I feel like I am eating for the sake of it but hating what it is doing to my body. 

I hate the lack of control, but love the increasing freedom at the same time. Am I scared of being in control in a way I have never been in control before? 


I hate not knowing what is real and what is not real. I have no answers or clarity. I hate it. And by the way....

Who made recovery so confusing? 

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