19 February 2012

POEM: What Did I Do To Deserve This?

I don't know what's brought this overwhelming feeling of not being 'enough' on tonight. My head is full of negativity, frustration, anger, sadness and regret. 

I don't know if its forgetting about how much my life has rewound itself over the last 12 months in moments of happiness shopping earlier, then suddenly remembering what was going on in my life. Whether walking around Selfridges put me in 'dreamer mode', then stepping through the front door of my parent's house brought me right back down to earth with a thud, or what? Anyway, I can't get it out in 'journal words' so I got it out in a poem..

What Did I Do?

What did I do to deserve this?
To have to feel this pain?
Why did I have to mess up this life?
And have to start again.

This illness has broken what I was.
Stolen my brain and bruised my soul
It’s eaten me away, while I starved,
And made me much less than whole.

I thought I was braver than this,
Could cope and prove them wrong,
However I felt and whatever I showed
Wasn’t I meant to be strong?

I’ve proved that I’m weaker than most,
Too many worries, shouts and screams,
When life should have been more real,
Sarah was too busy lost in dreams.

I wanted to shut her up,
My aim was to be the best,
I wanted to stop comparing
And soar above the rest.

I thought I could fix it all,
But I ended up making it worse,
I aimed too high, fell from the sky,
And put my life in reverse.

Now why does it have to be so hard?
Require me to be so tough?
When at times like this I feel
When nothing’s ever enough?

Enough of feeling so empty,
And enough of feeling so low
Fed up of feeling useless
Not Enough, with so far to go.

I feel like an intruder,
In a home that’s no longer mine,
I try so hard to keep the peace
And pretend that everything’s fine.

It’s hard to look in the mirror
And accept life for what it’s become,
So empty, starved, so hollow and thin,
No prospects and feeling so numb.

No end date, finish line or plan,
Nothing lined up and nowhere to go,
Just living to live with life standing still,
Not even knowing what I know.

Not knowing how I feel,
Not knowing how to cope,
Not knowing where I am going,
Just trying to keep some hope.

Its times like now I remember,
That the imperfection crushes me,
It eats away at my body
I just wish that they could see.

I just want to be okay,
To be fixed, back on track,
To be out of here, have a fuller life,
I just want Sarah back. 


  1. Wow this really spoke to me. I feel this way but I do not think I could have put it into words as you did!