7 December 2011

What is THIS feeling?

"Good days don’t cancel out the illness or make me a fraud and bad days don’t mean I am stuck with it forever."

I need to remind myself of this whenever I am confused about why I have 'good' and 'bad' days in recovery. I need to remember that recovery is not linear, it's not simple and its really not fake. I am guilty of trying to analyse EVERY mood, thought, choice and feeling, it's something I've been told I need to let go of to enable me to keep going forward....

A journal entry I'd like to share...

"So it's 23.30pm  another day complete on my meal plan and another day in which I have tried new meals, today it was adding grated cheese to my potato.  I had an apple and an advent calendar chocolate on top of my MP and I even added more peanut butter to my supper...all of which are big deals for me!

But I now don’t know how I feel, it’s like I don’t understand WHY some days I can do the extra little things I do, I just don’t get it. How can it be so hard and have all these stresses one minute and then I feel normal another. This really makes me believe that I am holding myself here to PROVE that I am AN or something? I feel like I should be able to snap out of it. I feel like I SHOULD be finding EVERY moment hard, I feel like I should be struggling every day. I just don’t just don’t see how people think I am ‘positive’ or ‘inspirational’ and I feel sometimes like a fraud because I am not believing what I am doing is ‘real’ I suppose it’s because I don’t believe I am I just think I am able to do these challenges, not because I am a fighter but because I am faking my AN

Ana is trying her hardest to confuse me because I have been winning all day. That’s all.

But what I do NEED to do it keep pushing, keep fighting and really embrace the days when it does feel easier and know that EVERY day will feel like that. But I am going to get days when it is tough but in those times I need to aim for days like today and remember that they are positive days that reflect my strength and NOT negative ‘out of control’ days that make me weak, like Ana would lead me to believe. The only real WEAK days are those when I listen to Ana.  Days when I restrict, when I measure, when I cut corners and let NBDs slide. They are the days I am aiming to avoid.

However I need to keep the perfectionism at bay here too. I need to accept that bad/weak days, whatever I call them WILL happen. I don’t need every day to be PERFECT and to feel easy. It just doesn’t happen in recovery. In fact, I reckon I learn more about my ED, about me and about how to cope from the bad days. I can use them to define Ana’s role in my choices and to learn and move forward."


  1. You been in my head stealing my thoughts? :P I feel the same, how can I have days when I do ok, good even, and then days when I struggle badly and I just don't understand how it can be. Why can I be ok with something and then another day really not?! But when reading your blog, I didn't think that at all about you, it's completely understandable. There will be good and bad days, but eventually the bad days will get fewer and further between. You need to allow yourself to realise you are strong for all you've done and not let your perfectionism intrude. Easier said than done I know, because I'm just the same. But for me, seeing your progress, I can't fault it. Love from littlewhiteowl xx

  2. Thank you for that gorgeous. I am trying to fight and believe in myself and believe I am moving forward and doing well, even if I don't feel it sometimes. xxx S xxx