I FEEL LIKE LIFE IS ALWAYS GOING
TO BE A BATTLE.
It honestly just feels like I am
always going to have these games going on in my head, like I am always going to
have these thoughts stuck there.
I feel like I am always going to feel fat,
that I am always going to care and always going to have to compensate and prove
and validate, forever. I fear I am always going to fear getting fat and being
more disgusting and that I am always going to mess up.
I do HOPE it doesn't, but
I feel hopeless to it too.
I feel like it’s just like this and it is going to
stay like this, because I DON’T want to be those things. I feel helpless, I feel
like nothing is going to change, that it is always going to be thinking,
thinking, thinking, a juggling act, constantly making up for greed, and
compensating calories to allow myself ‘bad’ foods.
I feel like no one will ever
understand the thoughts behind my eyes, when my eyes don’t show how much I over-think
or how much thought goes in to every bite. All this still feels VERY real, even
this far in , and that is what I am fighting, I am fighting my mind and
fighting letting myself just accept all this and I just dealing with being
stuck with this mind.
Yes, I have made progress. Yes,
I am healthier. Yes, I have won some battles, But the war is still on,
but the conflict get complicated when I am
STILL fighting on both sides, but I feel like I am fighting for the side I don’t
morally agree with. I am fighting FOR recovery, I am fighting and challenging
what Ana tells me, but to be quite honest, it still feels like I picked the
wrong side.
Damn anorexia’s spin doctors, selling her idolisations. Damn
awareness making me question and damn society and damn myself to having to
explain it all when I don’t get it. It’s complicated, complex and a big mess of
calories, compensating and just not understanding what it all means or how it
all feels...
and I am just....
...............................so
........................................tired.
