My old 'friend' Fortisip

I swore to myself in 2012 after a year on three-a--day that I would NEVER again need to be prescribed Fortisip. It has too many close ties to anorexia. But, they do say 'never say never' don't they? 

I wasn't a fan in 2011, but I still drank the buggers!

For six months, whether it 'feels' like it or not I've been struggling to maintain, let alone restore my weight. But naked truth is, my weight has dipped and I wasn't weight restored before that happened.

So let's get this clear. I eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day and my core food doesn't cause me anxiety. It's not felt like a struggle, no, anorexia has not consumed me, I haven't had any drive to lose weight, I've not felt particularly trapped or tortured. I've just been busy at work, my life hasn't been 'all about' recovery, I should have made MORE effort to eat extra than 2000-a-day when I've been busy and I've obviously I have used up more energy than I've put in. 

The suggestion of using Fortisip to 'stop the trend' and boost my nutrition has been talked about since Christmas and I've been adamant that I would not break my promise to myself of never needing to pick up that script, ever, again. 

But I've been thinking, maybe my team are right and I need to make a U-turn on that deal. I'm edging close to ASKING for that script. The words 'I think I need Forti' are on the tip of my tongue. Why?

1) I need to restore my weight. Whether I like it or not, I need to be fully weight restored to be fully recovered. I'm not and as painful as it is to regain the weight I've already gained once AND then the kilos I still had to go before a relapse, there is NO other option if I want freedom

2) My diet is too healthy. I do really struggle to add 'bulk' calories in and I am fairly happy with the foods in my diet. 

3) I don't want to create 'bad'  foods.  After walking round the supermarket last weekend looking at all the milkshakes, cakes, ice creams, custards, deserts, smooties etc. that I could add to my diet to BOOST the weight restoration, it occurred to me that I don't want to give these things a bad name. I don't from this point want to BLAME foods for the weight gain. Fortisip would stop this - it's medicine.

4) I don't actually like being underweight. 

I want to be free, happy, recovered and if it takes adding these to my diet to do that and whipping them out again when I have working liver and menstruating. So be it?

I've been holding off saying YES to the script because anorexia also quite likes my being 'ill enough' to have them suggested, like the old anorexic badge. But actually, drinking the buggers would be killing her off, so I can wipe that voice out.

I also was adamant that I wanted and could do it through food, but clearly not. 

The thought of the calories, the weight gain, the big increase I'll see, the doubt that I already eat too much, all those are anorexic thoughts stopping me saying the words, but surely that's exactly why I need to say them? 

So like I said. tomorrow morning, I could be leaving the EDU with a box of Fortisips. I thought I was past this stage, but sometimes we all need a little help from medicine to sort us out. 

I also want to lead by example to others' fighting eating disorders and show sometimes you have to RETHINK recovery and make U-turns you don't want to make to reroute. It's also a clear FUCK YOU to my eating disorder, because last time I had no choice and this time it shows I am seriously willing to kick ass.