Let's talk team tactics. First you need to realise this isn't just about food or anorexia now, it's my general game plan for life. It's not even about being too defensive of said life and my actions any more. It's not about attacking people for asking questions that's my worst habit. But, my current game plan seems to be a toxic mix of both, which isn't working for me.
I feel attacked and the need to be defensive, almost all the time. Of course, I do the attacking but with that, I get more defensive too. All this does it create stalemate. No chance for a winning shot.
I don't understand why I do it. Other than to try and 'protect' myself, like I believe I protect my 'game plan' and keep myself safe, just thankful I'm not losing. Whatever that means nowadays. I know I still don't think my team, plan or predictions are good enough to share with the bigger squad.
All I know is I still don't know how to react when people make suggestions about my life, when people I care about (and who care about me) want to know something about me. I get defensive quickly, like I'm worried that somehow it's all part of a master plan to catch me out or trip me up. The belief everyone has a motive that's on a difference agenda to mine. It can be as simple a question as 'What have you got planned tonight...' and I'll clam up and respond with 'Nothing, as usual, why?' - maybe it's insecurity, that I wish I did have something on - but reality is, more often that not, I couldn't actually face doing anything. It can be anything though, from exercise, to food and from the clothes I chose and the people I see.
I've always been defensive of my life and actions, that's not new or balanced. But that's part of me. But deep down, let's be honest here, who (or what) am I protecting when I'm ultra defensive over food or eating out? When people suggest I try to eat something new, or question how I am weight-wise. That's the bit that sits uncomfortably - and it's when I am most likely to attack.
I realise if I am going to let new people in, to allow people to get to know me - the real me - I am going to have to change my game plan. And maybe even let an assistant coach make some of the tactical decisions once in a while.
I don't want to manage the whole lot on my own any more. I want to have a real team and not feel like it's Sarah vs the World. But it's been so long out on the field on my own, I've sort of forgotten some people are on the same side as me.
Although there's still one player on the field that's not really in it for the team.
I can completely relate to this blog post - I used to be a lot like you, where I would keep everything to myself; it made me feel stronger and that if I told someone they would somehow "jinx" it or then know something so deep and meaningful about me. While I was an inpatient this is something my therapist really helped me with, obviously I had my reasons for doing this, but we overcame it. I learnt to not take everything so defensively, because usually it is coming from a good place. I realise now that people won't necessary say the right things, and that is okay, but it is about where that comment comes from. Usually that person has good intentions and to me that is the most important thing. With my closet friends I have to make a conscious effort to be more open with them, they are lovely about it and they understand that it still doesn't come as naturally to be me as it does for them. So while it is difficult to make yourself vulnerable to people, it is so worth it. I don't feel so lonely and you don't feel like it is you against the world. Those people want to be there for you and want you to talk to them. While I agree not everyone has good intentions and is so lovely, but as you said above you build a team of people who are playing on your side. Good luck with your new game plan, I really do hope it goes well x x
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