8 February 2015

Crossfading chapters rather than fanfare

That's how I'd best describe the turning of the page to the next chapter of recovery.  
The chapter of recovery where treatment has come to an end. 

The next page I see is blank, not with a pre-written title in the corner, no one dictating appointments or plans. No weekly dietician, no weigh ins, no blood tests...blank. Just a date in the diary to check in in a couple of months. By then I'll be 30 and we'll have a new Government. 

But treatment being complete doesn't mean recovery is.
(as much as I wish it meant that.) 

It's time for the chapter where it's all down to me. And I've decided that I don't have to have anorexia any more. Although, four years ago, I thought that saying that out loud would come with fanfares and fireworks. But it doesn't. I don't even like telling people I've finished a chapter?

 I've gradually allowed life to cross fade into recovery. 

The part of me that desires tick boxes and clear lines despises the greyness of reality, but that's half the battle, right? In an idealistic world I could draw a bold line under recovery and recovered, but that's not how it works. I get it now. 

And I am okay with that. The blank page of this untitled chapter isn't scary as I thought it would be, it just feels natural. I'm still figuring out food, body and life, but slowly, in my own words.

The bit that doesn't feel natural is trying to explain to other people what this chapter is about or whether I like it, because I don't know yet do I? Plus, no one else has read the previous chapters the way I have. No one else has had their head stuck in my recovery like I have - so how will they ever understand this bit? 

It's not a new book, like I thought it would be. 
It's definitely still the same book, maybe a new volume? 

I've read and reread and learnt a lot in the past four years. I've been to hell and back, I've wanted to throw the book out, rip all the pages from the spine and burn it. But I haven't. I've kept reading, even when it's made no sense at all. 

But writing this next volume is about writing a future. It's about deciding who I am, not trying to understand who I am not. 

Pass the pen. 

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