17 August 2014

Volume Up, Volume Down

Life recently has been more up, than down, with regards to how I feel and the digits on the scales. It's felt good,  but there is still a tape going round and round. The same mix tape that's been on repeat for the past 20 years or so, and it's still bothering me.

It's okay when life is go, go, go. I don't have time to stop and think too hard about it all or tune in too much. I let life and work drown out the inner monologue, which is all well and good until I stop. 

Then the volume cranks up again and I can't ignore it, but honestly, I'm not sure drowning out the noise is the best solution anyway. Because then, in those quiet moments - or even just the less noisy ones - it's making me feel like shit.  I woke up this morning with the volume cranked right up. Not in any fully-tuned in and taking orders from anorexia sort of way, but just in an irritating, persuasive, believable sort of way. 

Some of the anxieties, thoughts, worries, beliefs and doubts reduced me to tears this morning. It's like I don't know what to do when the volume is turned up any more. Before it was so simple, I'd hear something on my inner mix tape, listen carefully and then act - fully confident it was a legitimate solution. 

But now, I hear the same message played out - the same concerns are brought to the surface in hearing it, yet I have no answers. I have no solution. I have no way of responding or replying to it. 

What sort of messages Sarah, I hear you ask? 

I hear the same old lines about the state of my body, I see the un-toned physique in the mirror. So I feel under pressure to be more active. I hear the worries about my seemingly ever-lasting weight gain, and worry when it will end. Those two combined inject anxiety into the NEED To exercise and I don't know if I want to - or have time. I hear the worries about NOT remembering what I've eaten. Which causes me to panic that stopping meal plans and diaries was irresponsible. I worry about every lump and bump on my body. Which takes me back to longing for skin which was just covering bone, not fat. I hear healthy, healthy, healthy messages and doubt every mouthful of carb, sugar and fats.....Pressure to be, do, don't be, don't do. It's overwhelming. I'll stop now, but the list is endless. 

It just goes round and round and I feel like I don't have the answers. I feel like the mix tape is right. I am trying to re-record over it, wipe it out and move on. 

I don't even feel like I can TELL anyone about this, why? Because you get the same old 'you're doing well', 'you're not fat', 'you're not greedy' answers. Which may be true on the outside, but they can't hear 'Radio Ana' playing inside. So I don't bother telling the rest of the world. Which is ridiculous as I tell everyone else to talk about it. 

But hearing it this mix tape so loud, without everything else to drown out the sound is still so hard. Even harder still is having it playing and dancing to a different beat. 

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