Yet again the question 'What's holding you back?' is scrawled at the top of my journal and all I seem to be able to write is 'I don't know.' I screw up the page and try to get my ideas out on a clean sheet of paper.
I have the same conversations with Dr B. and then repeated with my friends, but each time I seem to tie myself up in knots trying to find a way to explain 'where I'm at' or find a way to keep learning. Even whilst typing this, I write, backspace, then write, then backspace again, constantly confused as to what I think, feel and believe about myself and recovery.
Then I thought back to the theories Mrs W's therapy was based on..."Every man is, in his own particular way, a scientist" (George Kelly) The idea that we go through life 'researching and building our view of ourselves and the world.
I know I have BELIEFS or 'constructs' which are still really anorexic. I don't seem to be able to shake them, even if most of the behaviours don't match the beliefs these days. And that's the problem, I'm somehow still searching for PROOF for my faulty beliefs. Like writing a really bad thesis, which I've sort of lost interest and confidence in.
It's like I've worked on a research project, trying to source proof for my 'too fat', 'too greedy', 'you'll mess it up' and 'you're not good enough' hypothesises for the past 20 years and now I've realised that maybe I've been wrong all this time...
(Eating less + exercise = weight loss) = being happier + good enough
(control + confidence)
It's like I've been searching for evidence to back up these beliefs for so long that I'm just really pissed off that I have to admit I was wrong. Especially when, for a while, the formula seemed to make sense.
Part of that is complete frustration with myself, now that I can see where I've been going wrong. Through therapy work, my mind can see the other options. But inside I'm still apprehensive about scrapping this thesis idea and working on another project.
I still have niggling hopes that I'm right, that if I just hold on to anorexia's research there IS a way of proving it. I can solve this 'problem', that I can find a solution to fix me. Or at least be right about SOME of it. That I can recover and still have these beliefs. Someone must have cracked it? No?
It's this stubborn, 'dedicated' researcher in me which holds me back. I've always been bad at wanting to make something work, to not give up, to keep searching for answers and solutions. But in this case, that part of me means I can't move on right now. I'm stuck in this lab.
I've become 'numb' to the practical research now though, too busy to really dedicate myself to testing it out. I know that weight loss doesn't solve the problem, so I've not been driven to try that experiment again. I have done the initial food tests, but still have more that I'm scared of experimenting with.
Some days I admit, I'm really up for anorexia's research briefs, I feel like an idiot for not sticking with it - after all it did feel good for a while. But sometimes I want to work on a new project, I get a head full of NEW ideas to work though, but I don't trust my NEW project fully either.
But really, I am just sick of working on ANYTHING at all.
I KNOW what I need to do, research NOTHING and just live and learn. There is NO solution, no fix, no right answer.
I just don't know how I can shred years and years of research without a firm plan or hypothesis to work towards instead, what will I do then?
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