It's one of the most frustrating and ridiculous things about my recovery, it always has been, but I find being positive really freaking stressful. I don't fully trust these waves of positivity.
I know part of it is because being positive about recovery puts Ana's back up, it aggravates her, because let's be honest, if I plod along not challenging anorexic beliefs what on earth can she kick off about? But I am VERY aware that in doing that I'll get stuck in what I now refer to as 'recovery purgatory' forever.
No thanks.
It's not even stressful in a early days stressful way like eating my first carb or drinking Fortisips was. Those 'positive' moments felt more like having my bikini line waxed, by a troll or something. I don't get into huge panics about positive recovery things like I used to, which is a bonus, but it's still bothering me.
I know it's the whole 'the right thing for recovery will feel wrong for anorexia' I'm aware of that and I do battle those thoughts as much as I can. I still can't understand the praise or congratulations for weight gain. Dr B. always says 'well done' when the scales read higher, and I know what he's getting at, but I just don't feel the positive vibes there, sorry.
The things stressing me out about positivity is that I don't know what's making me positive all of a sudden. (Heaven FORBID therapy is working?!) but aside from the growing understanding of my own fucked-up-ness, there are little things, like wanting to go to supermarkets more again, try new combos of food, accepting when I am more hungry. Don't get me started on other people being positive for me, that really stresses me out.
They all cause stress, but ARE positive.
I guess what is most stressful is the fact that I am going with my 'gut' feelings, without REALLY trusting them fully yet. I'm listening to my TRUTH and trying to go with it. But questioning my every move. It's also stressful (but positive) that I'm becoming more flexible with life and meal plans.
It's probably the same stress you'd feel getting into a plane and the pilot telling you they've still got their 'L' Plates. But alas, if you want to arrive at your destination, you've got to stay on board haven't you?
Or maybe I am just being positive and it is just anorexia getting in a tiz?
Or maybe, you are finding the strength (that I know you have) to finally turn your back on this illness xxx
ReplyDeleteI agree with the oboe commenter. I feel like Ive turned around my physical state in the last 12 months and my 'positive' state is getting my ED's back up and I feel like Im getting nowhere, but its a process - and not a quick one. Keep trekking!
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