4 August 2013

Peace talks with anorexia

Most wars start with a disagreement in beliefs, an unwillingness to see past them and the damage they're causing. The inability to imagine a world without them - a deep-rooted hatred for the people who try to convince you the contrary. A lifetime of dispelling all evidence, unless it proves your way of life is true. 

Anorexia is a cult, driven by a powerful terrorist dictator. Brainwashing us to live by a single set of beliefs; 'I am not good enough, I am too fat, I am greedy...' until those messages are all we can hear. They're all we believe. We become her army

I believe I am fat. 
The rest of the world tells me I have anorexia. 
Here's where the war begins. 

If recovery is a conflict of mind, body and food, then at its worst, it's like full-blown combat going on behind the eyes and between the ears. 

Bombs, guns, tanks, screams. The lot. 

After two-years of blood, sweat and tears I've hit a point in recovery where the full-on combat and violent front-line fighting is over. I made it through, sadly, not everyone does.

But still no peace, the conflict has moved to the negotiation table. 

To the quiet, on-going peace talks. All the time. It seems as if the terrorists aren’t giving up on their fight for my commitment to their belief (that I am too fat) and it feels like my mind is hosting a full meeting of the UN.

I am stuck in the middle.
Constantly trying to see the good in her ideas and fight for BOTH sides. 

To stop it going back to front-line fighting I need to keep up the talks, because the front-line means messy and painful death. I can't go back there. Ever. 

At least talks COULD figure things out if I can persuade the terrorists to see their way of thinking has flaws. What makes these negations hard is there's no recess, they are CONSTANT twenty-four-seven talks. I can hear the logical views of my allies. I understand and believe their solutions, but it still doesn't seem as peaceful as anorexia's promise of Eden. 

Permanently sat round the table and having sided with the dictatorship, anorexia, for so long, I can see the benefits of both ways of thinking. Torn. Secretly, I sometimes still like the ideologies of the enemy too. 

Although I know I should NOT be fooled by the dictator into agreeing to her rules and policies to FIX THIS situation – because history tells me, ultimately she will always want me to DIE for those ideologies to prove my commitment to them. 

However ridiculous it sounds, It's temping. I guess people DO believe even the most fundamental ideas if they're brainwashed to believe them. Like half of Germany under Hitler's Nazi spell or extreme Islamists trying to find peace with Allah. If they’re offered a pure, peaceful and wonderful life living by their rules, it's hard to snap out of it. They're hearing constant promises that commitment to those beliefs and blocking anything which challenges them is, well,  perfect. 

Living life under 'their' rules corrects sins and fixes flaws. Lies. 

That’s what anorexia is bringing to this table. She's a control-crazed dictator, trying her hardest to brainwash me. Convince me that the rest of the UN is wrong, those 'allies' are corrupting me. 

It might not be a bloody war any more, but it’s certainly not peace. I know ever-lasting negotiations don’t fix conflict. But opening my eyes to a range of new views will, I wholeheartedly believe that.  

Before these talks, before considering an alternative way of thinking, I was religiously, ignorantly abiding by anorexia's rules and ideologies. Recovery has shaken my beliefs to the core, messed with the status quo. 

The scary thing is; The belief that I'm not good enough and too fat were beliefs I was willing to die for to gain anorexia's forgiveness and approval.  I've opened my eyes now, I can see the ideologies are flawed. 

There is no happiness with her, no Eden and she won't save me from myself. 
I was only ever a number in her army.


  1. Wonderful, heart-felt piece. :) I can really sympathise with you. I hope you recover and continue to blossom.

  2. This really expresses that 'later' stage of recovery where the taunts of anorexia quieten down but are still there, sometimes at the moments when you really wish they weren't. You are doing incredibly well, and that is something to be proud of (not let anorexia beat you up over) so stay strong. You WILL make it to the other side and find freedom.