"Is maintaining the new losing?"

....I need a recovery reality check...things are FINE, I am ok....aren't I?

[Filling in: I hit a healthy BMI in July. After coming of fortip and since then I've stayed roughly the same weight, but still having health problems and my periods haven't returned. I've been told by W&F that this is a healthy BMI but not healthy weight for me.]

I need to stop thinking and analysing because I am stressing myself out and confusing myself trying to define how I am feeling or what is real and what isn’t real, what thoughts are ‘right’ and which are ‘wrong’.

It makes it feel worse in my head feeling the world RELAPSE come up, it throws up so many emotions, like I don’t feel capable of recovery, but Ana is PROUD of the word, I don’t WANT that.

 I’ve convinced myself now that I’m resisting more weight gains because I WANT to hold on to my eating disorder. That I am just being pathetic and WANT to feel like this. To validate it. But also, none of this feels conscious, because I don’t know why or how or what?

I just feel so confused. I don’t particularly want to LOSE weight, because I KNOW and am realistically aware that it won’t help, but it doesn’t stop the wish that it would, or that I had an answer.

Is it my insecurities and Ana sticking with the thought that if I was really anorexic and fucked up I WOULD relapse. I feel like a fraud even thinking I care enough or am eating disordered enough to relapse. It’s that bitch bully in my head telling me I AM NOT good enough, just want to hang on to being her friend. I don’t but I don’t know what is REAL.

I want to eat, I do eat. I want to function, I do function. I don’t want to lose weight or lose what I’ve gained in life, but I just don’t want to GAIN weight.

I want to eat foods and have I diet which means I don’t put any more weight on, ever. IS that me or Ana? I don’t get it or is it a bit of both. I just want to be SAFELY this weight without the risk of getting bigger from the food I eat. I don’t want to be heavier.

Honestly I feel like I’ve trained my body to be hungry and that annoys me. I don’t want to snack all the time, like I do on my MP. I want it to be safe I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE I need to be bigger, I don’t want to risk weight gain but the anorexic part of me knows that a loss would be be ‘bonus’ if it were to happen.

Easier to swallow. And that’s where Ana is just around the corner isn’t it?

I want to eat normally – but healthily - and feel okay but I don’t want to be any bigger, ever. I don’t want a fucked up life, but I don’t want to be heavier…Is that possible please? I want to know I want get fat. I dread any more gains. 

Has staying the same weight the new losing weight? 

Is maintaining becoming the new loss? 

What am I GAINING here? It hurts my head, all this awareness and thinking, because its just me being a TWAT, because I can’t pull it together and get over the fact I think being this size make me better than if I was FATTER. I want to be THIS weight, not XXkg that has been 'suggested'  

This needs awareness, awareness, awareness.

It's good that I can SEE this, I don't like FEELING this, but knowing it's not RIGHT for recovery is a step ahead of where I came from.....