14 February 2012

So, how long have you been anorexic?

This question ALWAYS throws me, what do people mean when they ask ‘what happened’ and ‘when did your eating disorder start?' and the 'how long have you been anorexic?' 

I know I can’t give you a date and I shouldn't feel like I have to know, should i?

Truth is just that....I DON’T know when this all started I Have always felt like I wasn good enough, like I could be MORE, I could be better, closer to perfect, that I could be, if I put my mind to it, and wanted so badly to be the one everyone else wanted to be. I don’t remember NOT wanting this or wishing I was someone else. I don’t ever remember not comparing myself to everyone around me, thinking that it was normal to see myself like this. I don’t remember ever relaxing about food or life in any way shape or form, even if I seemed more relaxed on the outside. I know inside I knew that I should/could/wanted to be more controlled, to have more will power, to be ‘healthier’ to have more power and control over food, not to eat, to exercise more, to make myself better. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t long for people to compliment me AND for me to actually look in the mirror, hear what they say and to believe it. I haven’t. Ever. I have always wanted to look in the mirror and not HATE what’s on the outside and hate how I felt on the inside too. I never was perfect or in control. 

This has been playing on my mind SO much , because all of this is my anorexia. So if am unable to stamp a date on when these thoughts started, how am I going to ever be able to put a ‘start date’ on my ED? I have been so lost in these thoughts for so much of my life, mixed them up so much with so many more destructive behaviour and negative thoughts that knowing when my anorexia started is near impossible.

To be honest why do I need an ‘EST SINCE’ date stamped to my head to add validity my anorexia? Why does anyone? I don’t. I can’t and surely it is far more productive to work towards an END DATE. I won’t forget that date when it comes, ever. That date will be freedom from this.

I know all these thoughts have been stirred up by comments flying around about someone ‘suffering from her XX year struggle with her ED’ – which then spurred the questions in my head about being fake because I don’t know how long I have suffered for. 

Well, medically, physically, in terms on my BMI being life threatening  AND in terms of it TAKING complete control of my life, restricting my life and my food, ‘officially’ since my diagnosis last July and the year prior to that. So do I include the last 7 months in 'recovery' in my 'SUFFERED FOR XX' tag? See? It's impossible. (and just more silly little numbers) 

But psychologically? Affecting my every spare thought and ounce of self-hate and doubt, the periods where most of this damage has been done? I DON’T HAVE A CLUE.  I don’t have any idea and you know what, to recover, to move forward, I don’t need a date. I just need to work with my ream and anyone else helping me, to undo these thoughts and more forward. I am not a number, date and I am not defined by AN, so please stop asking me. 

“Don’t dwell on what went wrong, instead focus on what to do next. Spend your energy on moving FORWARD and find the answer”

1 comment :

  1. i hate that question too. i always give the answer of "around 13 or 14" because i don't know the exact date. i think when it comes to ed's more people don't have an exact date than people who do. there are some people who have a life event or a trigger that they know started their ed's but more often the ed's creep in slowly into people's lives so there isn't an exact date.

    try not to feel like you have to have a date cause it doesn't matter when it started. what matters is finding recovery and getting our lives back.

    you have been doing such an incredible job lately and i am sooooo proud of you and excited for you!! you ARE a recovery ninja. you are strong and beautiful <3