28 December 2011

Safe? Fraudulent? Positive? Guilty?

Ok, I'm not actually sure this makes sense but I needed to get it out of my head and out there. Please let me know if you know what I mean?!

I need to remember that Ana will always be quick to make me see and feel the guilt of eating regularly and true to my MP, she will always look for ways to see the bad bits.

She will not allow me recognise the strength to eat still comes from the safety net surrounding me.

I need to remember it is still a restrictive and safe life, it is the ammunition in my fight against her. Ana makes me feel that following my MP finding it safe means I am faking my ED.

This means I should never believe her when she say I'm a fraud because I eat and feel safe in my MP. She convinces me that i am greedy and weak for eating the MP and wanting to. It's her keeping a grip, she trys to blinker my strength and tell me I'm faking and bad, because she doesn't want me to feel it, see it or believe there is life outside of my eating disorder, I'm normal and fine and okay living like this.

She wants me to believe her life isn't disordered, that her life is the safe one. She's trying to trick me. My eating disorder will ALWAYS find strength in my weaknesses, it will always look for ways for me to beat myself up, be disappointed in myself.

She finds ways to make positive actions into guilty ones. This is her hatred of me winning little fights. Eating extras, trying foods, wanting to eat, they're all little things which Ana will ALWAYS Try to twist to 'bad' and I need to remember that this is
Still my default response at the moment but I need to retrain those thoughts and remind myself that these moments are nothing but positive.

No comments :

Post a Comment