Yellow Eggs and Red Sauce

Sitting at breakfast this morning, E and K have scrambled egg on toast. The doorstep toast is warm and the butter is melting nicely, the eggs are scrambled perfectly and look like little egg clouds floating in the jug. The condiments are put in the centre of the breakfast bar, more butter, salt, pepper and tomato ketchup. 

Where's your red sauce? 

Tomato ketchup is delicious on scrambled egg (so I’m told!) as E drizzles the RED sauce on his breakfast; K adds salt to her eggs. “I WISH I could put RED sauce on my eggs, I could just eat that, I bet it’s really tasty” She says. So, on overhearing this, I ask “why don’t you then?” Pause. “Well its RED sauce on YELLOW egg isn’t it? If red and yellow go together I WON’T be able to eat it, I just COULDN'T!” Pause.

My Dad, E,  pushes and pushes for K to try adding RED sauce to YELLOW egg, trying to persuade her that it is (as she suspects) extremely tasty. “Go on, just put some on if you want it.” He suggests. Even sacrificing a slice of his own breakfast for the cause in an attempt for her to try the mixture. They both suspect that it would REALLY complete her breakfast. But it’s no good.  The yellow and red together thing is too much for her to handle. There is NOWAY, no matter HOW tasty it may be, or not matter how much she’d love to, that K will add RED sauce to YELLOW eggs.

This conversation was all too familiar to me. It’s usually me in the ‘Why CAN’T you JUST eat more of what you know will be tasty?” Why CAN’T I just eat more substantial meals, or have full-fat cheese or whole milk? Why can’t I have pasta two nights in a row or eat a slice of cake I’ve lovingly baked for everyone? It doesn’t even work when people sacrifice what I suspect is a yummy sweet, just so I could perhaps TRY it. Nope, it’s just too much sometimes.

It’s what it’s like for me. It’s not a choice, it’s not something I can ‘just do’ and in the same way that there is NOTHING physically stopping K putting tomato ketchup on her eggs, there is nothing PHYSICALLY stopping me eating more, stopping me eating high calorie foods, foods with a higher fat content. I have those foods there in front of me, ready and waiting.  I wish I could eat them, like K wishes she could put red sauce on yellow eggs, but it is a fear holding us back. It can seem irrational to those around us, that can’t understand WHY if you like the taste of something, if you WANT something that you CAN have, why don’t you just do it?  

It’s not even a case of not eating now, because I am eating and to me I am eating a lot. Almost five times more than in the grip of my anorexia, five times more calories, five times more food. I’m Five times BETTER than at my worst and better at battling the fears.  My calories are very nearly back to normal (okay, with the help of Fortisip) but I still can’t JUST EAT high-calorie foods, foods I have labelled ‘bad’ for most of my life and foods that I have fears around. I wish I could help people understand that I have this fear, this barrier, and this power stopping me with EVERY bite. 

The foods I have now re-introduced in to my diet were once dangled in front of me, teasing me, but I just couldn’t eat them. Every bite of food I now eat was once K’s red sauce and yellow yolk situation, each one I now eat required me to face my fear front on and put it in my mouth. Each food I still won’t touch is going to require me to be brave enough to just face it and eat it. Each time E and K see me eat something new, something on my ‘bad’ and ‘fear food’ list, they need to remember it’s like K facing her fear head on and adding the sauce to her breakfast, which today, she didn't. I was just too much. 

Too much to handle 

Yes, to other people my fears probably seem ‘irrational’ - food is, so I'm told, to be enjoyed. It's the same way I can’t understand why red sauce can’t be put on yellow egg yolks. 

When I attempted to explain this concept this morning I was greeted with ‘Yes, but, at least I am eating.” Au contraire, dearest K, you’re not. You are denying yourself the red sauce on your eggs, despite knowing it’ll be tasty. It maybe be on a different scale. But the concept is the same! Right? Well, apparently not.

But when K says she CAN’T put it on her eggs, despite really wanting to, I am able to apply my fears of gaining weight, of food and of fat and understand that when she says she CAN’T enjoy ketchup on eggs, she just CAN’T at that point in time. Not only that, she can’t explain WHY she can’t. And so she goes without something she KNOWS she would enjoy, and the eggs go without the sauce.

It’s exactly the same concept. Why can I see it and they can’t? 

Recovery Writing Cloud

This is the word cloud created from a piece of writing I did in therapy about my aims for recovery....

Thoughts are thoughts...

Thoughts are thoughts, but it is the way I act on them that’ll mean the difference between recovery and living with my eating disorder.

It can work both ways I suppose, I can THINK that I am doing enough and my true self is in control and NOT actually challenge myself enough to restore my weight and recover.

AND 

 I can have ANOREXIC thoughts, distinguish that it’s Ana and I can choose to challenge them and work towards recovery OR I can choose to act upon her rules and restrict or measure or weigh.

In both cases it’s acting on these thoughts that can make the difference in recovery or in continuing to live with my eating disorder holding the reigns.

Take today for example. I thought that I ‘Don’t need to eat an apple after my appointment because I am going for a coffee in an hour, and that could be my mid-morning snack.’ I distinguished that this was an anorexic thought, because a) I was hungry and b) I need to have BOTH at the moment to help increase my calories. So I ACTED on this by buying an apple and eating it. Then I went for my coffee, and thought ‘You only need a small coffee not a medium like usual, because there is SO much milk in that and it might make you feel heavy and sick’ at this moment in the queue in Costa, I could choose to act on this thought as Sarah or Ana. Unfortunately in this case I ordered a small coffee. I made a choice ANA wanted, which isn’t helping with my goal of restoring my weight.

This is a habit I have gotten into, challenging Ana with one thing, then restricting because I have already challenged her and I back off and keep her happy. I am becoming more and more aware of this each time I go through my food diaries with my dietitian. Meal by meal or day by day, it's the same habit. I think this is the first step – being AWARE of the thoughts and who is driving them, the step I need to take now is ACTING on them.

I have another challenge tonight too. One of my goals this week is to eat a jacket potato with beans. The anorexic thoughts I have already had about this since leaving the clinic today are;

1) There are SO many calories in that meal
2) You don’t NEED beans, just have the potato plain with salad
3) What could I have instead that ‘sort of challenges me’ but is safer in terms of cal content
4) Just have beans and no potato
5) If that takes me to XX calories, then don’t snack later, it’s ok.
6) Is it bad to eat potato at dinner because it’s late?
7) You don’t like baked beans
8) They’ll make you bloated and grosse
9) Beans are a waste of calories

And there are probably more that I haven’t noticed, which are all Ana trying to talk me out of eating the dinner I NEED to eat and decided earlier I would try tonight. Now, I have the choice to cook and eat this dinner and make it POSITIVE or to listen to ANA and not work towards recovery. These are just two examples of the clouds of thoughts I feel around EVERY drink, snack and meal.

No wonder my head is muddled and obsessed and preoccupied with thoughts about food and eating. If the theory is right, the more I challenge Ana and go against her, the quicker and less significant these thoughts will become….the more I think them, want to challenge them, go through the process and then let her win by acting in her favour, the harder and longer the fight will be. She ISN’T getting weaker if I don’t turn my back each time…

 I have also been told again and again, it is a trait of anorexia to see life as black and white, good and bad and success and failure and I for one am so guilty of doing this. I know I am. Or not feeling like I am doing well enough in recovery and beating myself up about it and then just 'not bothering' or convincing myself that this is all just fake and I could snap out of it. The proof is in the pudding (How ironic?) though, because when I do just try and ‘be normal’ or attempt to convince myself I can snap out of it. I freak out. I ‘run away’ from the challenge and back into Ana’s arms each time I freak out and DON’T try something. That’s my eating disorder RIGHT there. ...

I know it’s all about listening, reasoning and challenging Ana that will eventually mean 'recovery.’ And my gosh, it seems she needs a lot of challenging right now, I better start ACTING on it and showing her who’s in control.

POEM: I Wish...

I wish I knew a way out,
A way to gain and grow,
I didn't want this life,
The thoughts,
But how was I to know?
I didn't want to be this way,
To lose everything I had,
My house, my job,
My dreams my goals,
To feel so lost and sad.
I wanted to be perfect,
And happy in my skin.
The thing I wish
I knew before,
And believed today,
is that
Happy isn't thin.

Don't Believe EVERYTHING you THINK...

I have the destructive habit of taking MY OWN opinion of me, my body, my life and now my recovery and ignoring everyone else's views.

The biggest problem is that I always come out bottom.

Weightless blog wrote about this today and how cognitive distortions can lead to negative emotions and contribute to eating disorders. They defined cognitive distortions as as “a biased way of thinking about oneself or one’s environment, including one’s body image, weight or appearance”

This relates directly to the work I am doing at clinic on' rewiring' my thoughts and learning to accept that MY perception is not always right. In fact, it is usual wrong, especially if I partake in my habit of dispelling all the evidence around me to ensure I maintain my OWN view of myself.

At the end of their post they ask... Which of these cognitive distortions do you relate to most?
The answer...I can relate to all of them, too well. They are all too familiarly and exactly what I am working on in recovery at the moment. I couldn't pick one that I do more than another, and they are SO destructive. To break these cognitive distortions will to break free from my eating disorder.

This is especially destructive when I have ALWAYS compared my self unfavourably to everyone around me. It's a habit I need to break if I am to be completely free from Ana.

Counting Calories...

...Like HoldingOn's video describes so well,  a big part of my anorexia and my recovery is consumed with counting calories.

Even now, when I am restoring weight, I am still counting. Every 1,3,5, or 10 calories makes a difference to my day, my anxiety levels, my life. I am FED UP with these numbers consuming me.

They stop me relaxing, they take over my thoughts as soon as I wake up, when I am in the supermarket. They are the reason I make some really bizarre meal choices and the reason I can't relax about some foods. Calorie counting DESTROYS social events, I withdraw from the table, eaten up by counting, adding and comparing calories. The anxiety levels caused by not knowing the calorie content of something drive me insane and the endless hours searching for the calorie content of food takes over my life. If I am not counting the calories consumed, I am counting the calories I've burnt. I needed total CONTROL over the calories that touch my lips, every single last one. Now that is easing, but I can't be carefree, and every 'nearly' carefree moment is followed by a manic look for the content.

The adding, the counting, the comparing from minute to minute, day to day. It is TOTALLY EXHAUSTING. 

I don't know why I bother, the totals NEVER make Ana happy any more either. So no one is happy when I am counting calories....I have already taken steps to STOP COUNTING:

1) Taken off all calorie counting apps from my phone.
2) Binned my personal food diary, and only use the clinic forms
3) Challenging myself to NOT count some foods
4) Relaxing about calorie content of fruit and veg
5) Not weighing all my foods

She and Her...

My therapist set me a self characterisation task. This was so hard to do this week. I panicked that I was doing it wrong, that I wasn't writing the right things and that sums it all up! I'm not sure what Ms. W will make of it, or what it says about me, but after the week I've had, I am pretty sure I have a long way to go in changing some on my destructive and dysfunctional beliefs....


"She is a complex character with a lot to say. She’s not afraid of speaking up about her opinion or voicing her complaints or comments when she wants to. Although, sometimes you have to sieve what she says for effect or to be contrary, from the bits she really feels or means honestly. Her likes and dislikes can change from day to day or hour to hour and it can sometimes be exhausting to keep up.

On the surface She seems driven and focused on achieving her ambitions and dreams but it is clear to those that know her that more often than not she is trying to convince herself that she knows which path she’d rather be on. This uncertainty in her own thoughts and ambitions can almost seems like she’s out to prove something to everyone around her and to herself.

One of her major struggles is her inability to live in the here and now and accept things for the way they are. She almost seems to live in the past, always dragging up old emotions, blaming herself for things that were sometimes not even her own wrong doing, without even realising she’s doing it. She blames herself for things that sometimes weren’t even her fault and convinces herself they were. If she isn’t playing old events and situations around in her head, she’s planning and worrying about the future. Worried about whether she is ever going to be able to reach her high goals of getting what she wants or whether she is going to mess it all up.

Her need for control is clear for us all to see and she even knows the extent of her desire herself. Al is fine and well until the control is taken away from her and then if that dreaded situation ever occurs, her mood can switch quickly. Her defences go up and her tone becomes less open and chatty and becomes more argumentative and defensive. It almost seems that the loss of control over a situation is too much for her to handle and the barriers go up to protect her weakness.

This can also be seen when she doubts the value of her opinions or if she or her work are criticised. It doesn’t stop there though, she joins in and her habit of being her worst critic comes into action. To those who don’t know her, this is more than likely to be perceived as an inability to take criticism on board, even if it is constructive. But it’s quite the opposite. If you get to really know her you’ll understand that it is because she is her biggest critic and tortures herself for not having done something perfectly in the first place.

Her chatty personality comes across as confident and bubbly on the surface when faced with social events but the internal monologue she is used to hearing paints a very different picture of her. She seems unable to stop comparing herself, physically and socially to anyone who comes into contact with, even her best friends and family. She can almost seem envious or jealous of those around her and her competitiveness ensures she can’t accept being the one no one else envies.

She might not be the prettiest the richest or the most ‘career’ successful of her friends, but she is also not the one with a husband, house or child. Most of the people around her can accept their ‘place’ in society and accept themselves, but not Sarah. She can’t accept any of it. It is almost as though she doesn’t feel good enough in any of these areas, never mind achieving her goals of being the one they envy.

At 26 years old, she has only recently realised the extent to which she has managed to keep up her internal conflict of control and self-doubt whilst portraying a driven, independent and confident women on the surface. It is only after unpeeling some of her layers that you realise that those moments of defensive comments or the times her mood switches or that day she snapped, were pockets of herself hate seeping to the surface in moments of weakness. They are the moments when you realise that she is not she strong as she seems"

I don’t want her life, but I can’t shut Ana up?

I have chosen to recover, but I am not recovered. I am therefore IN RECOVERY and ‘Ana’ is still wittering on in my ear.

I’m really struggling with this concept over the last day or so. In a round-about way I came to the conclusion that this is my biggest battle in recovery so far. I’m in a place right now which is a lot like limbo. I also can't deal with idea that there is no end date to this battle, I can't say, I am going to be better by.... "XX" or make plans for 'after' my ED - because I don't know when 'after' will be?

Ana also keeps mentioning a friend of mine who is currently suffering from bulimia. Each time I speak to the said friend, who is having treatment, but hasn’t ‘chosen’ to recover yet, Ana won’t shut up. She taps in to my thoughts about the friend and it starts her off. She makes me feel like I am a traitor to her and her lifestyle.

It’s like jealously that Ana is still friends with my friend and that my friend is still able to listen to her. At the same time I am horrified that my friend can’t see past Ana’s games and lies. That she doesn’t ‘want’ to recover.  I told my Mrs. W about her during my session this week, and she agrees that the friend is most definitely a trigger. 

Maybe it’s a weird jealously because I still crave the safety and comfort of the control that Ana had and gave through her rigid lifestyle. Slipping under her control is easier than the battle isn't it? But it's not better. I can still think of it and still have a taste of it, yet I can see beyond them and want more from life than what those games can offer?

She wouldn’t shut up when I was choosing my lunch today either. She makes me compare how much I ate for lunch yesterday, and makes me feel good about myself if I eat less today. She makes me wait until I am REALLY hungry until I eat, she still loves it when I miss a dedicated ‘snack time’ or each time I choose a small cappuccino over a large. Every time she’s left unchallenged when she talk, talk, talks, she’s winning.  I am trying to challenge her EVERY time I hear her.

But the hardest thing to fight is the confusion she causes. Even trying to get these thoughts out is a challenge. I want to get better, I want my hair to stop falling out, I want to clear my head from thoughts about food, I want to be free from counting, games and weighing. BUT I am not able to face it head on; I am not able to go above and beyond. I can’t let go of all control and I can’t seem to strip Ana of her voice or stop all of her games just yet. I try and try to do it, but always seem to fall back to looking for the calories or counting or feeling guilty for going against her rules.

I don’t like the fact I still let her control thoughts and behaviours but I hate the thought of not hearing her at all. Even though signs tell me I WONT lose control, it doesn’t stop the FEAR of losing control is overwhelming. 

My Recovery Commandments

Just because it's Sunday and there are certain things that I really need to pledge to myself if I am going to beat Ana. These are the things that I promise myself, they are the things I am so positive about when I am sat in the chair at clinic, and then fail to achieve on a daily basis.  These are my Recovery Commandments which I'm going to attempt to pledge and keep this week. I'm sure a lot of you feel this too.

1) I shall meet my daily calorie targets, not get 'close' and be content
2) I shall remember that 'restoring' weight is restoring health
3) 'Normal Eaters' eat when they're hungry. I need to as well
4) I shall make sure food choice are mine not 'Ana's'
5) I shall be honest about my intake, for better or worse.
6) I shall try and release some control every day
7) I shall not snap at people who are trying to help me recover
8) I shall remind myself what I am living and eating for. Life
9) I shall not time my meals, obsess about other choices or count when eating
10) I shall silence Ana when she speaks

If I can do ANY of these on a daily basis and maybe even ALL of them one day - I know I'll be a step closer to recovery and being free of my phobias, anxieties, OCDS & most of all free from Ana.