25 April 2012

I Don't Care....(or do I?)

Is there any surprise I am so confused when I realise that I’ve spent a large part of my life convincing myself that I DON’T CARE when actually I really, really DO? 

I did care, I did worry, I did get scared but I have spent so much time dampening down these feelings, dampening down that I care, telling myself that I don’t care, that I am brave, that I can fight, that I DON’T care, that I have managed to get lost somewhere in between.

I have ended up lost in a place where I don’t know what I feel, what is real or whether I like, dislike or care, or not.

It’s like I have tried for as long as I can remember that I didn’t care if I was captain of the hockey team, if I won a medal at gymnastics or if I got the best grades at university and school. I tried to believe that I didn’t CARE that friends were thinner had better clothes, were more popular, had better houses or families. 

Everything, on every level. I then moved on to convincing myself that I didn’t care if boyfriends said other girls were pretty or had amazing bodies, when, deep down I WISHED so hard that I DIDN’T care, but it ate me up inside and I did.

I get lost in trying so hard NOT to care, that I know I seem contrary or I seem like I am fine or I come across like I am dampening other people’s feelings too. Like I try so hard NOT to care about something, that I snap at people when they DO have it, or when they care and show they care. It’s hard to back track and admit you do care, because people think you’re lying, when actually you’re finally telling the truth.

It’s like I pretend I don’t care about money or about leaving journalism or my gymnasts winning, and I did, it’s everything to me. I cared and I do care, worry and panic about EVERYTHING. 

Right now with my recovery, I don't know if I care about my weight increasing, about my body changing, about the feelings of greed, hunger or failure, or am I just trying to numb the emotions and convince myself I DON'T care, when like everything else, I do REALLY care?

Deep down I know I don’t think anything is ever good enough and that nothing I do will ever be good enough. And so the cycle begins, huh? 

1 comment :

  1. we convince ourselves that we don't care so we don't have to feel, so we can numb out reality, so we don't get hurt. because if we don't care then we can be dissapointed, let down, hurt, scared, ect. and it's a frusterating thing to try to get out of. i felt that way for sooooooo long and it took time for me to allow myself to believe that i really DID care and that it was okay for me to care.

    just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and step by step you are gonna go ninja on this illness and find peace outside of the ed.