5 May 2014

Number Numbness

Somehow in recovery somewhere, I've gotten lost in a number numbness, a sort of numerical fog that won't lift. 

One of the first lessons I was taught in recovery and still hear lots is 'You are not a number' and that you can't measure your worth in calories, kilos or clothes sizes. All very true.

It's not even that. It's different. I know I am not defined by my weight. 

But I've realised after being weighed last week - seeing a smaller number - and following six months of the numbers slowly creeping down. I've slipped into a disconnected number numbness. 

Let's clear a few things up; I have NO drive to lose weight, at all. 

I don't want to be 'thin' or underweight.
I am not jealous of people's low weights/BMI.
I don't have a BMI that 'bothers' me.
I've been an adult healthy weight.
I don't add up my daily calories total.
I don't weigh all my food out. 
I don't know the calorie content of all my meals. 
I have clothes in all sizes and accept that.

But something is not right, that's become clear over the last six months where my weight has dropped without me WANTING it to or me consciously TRYING to. It has just happened. 

I am TOO disconnected from the scales.

It doesn't even make me feel good. I feel NOTHING about my weight. The numbers don't mean ANYTHING to me. They don't represent anything to me and they don't represent success or achievement. So what does this all mean?

Again, I've been told it's about balance, it's needing to care enough to be concious about what the scales say, but not consumed by it. It's about knowing I'm getting enough calories but not counting them. It's about noticing if my clothes feel looser, but not body checking. But all those things are double edged swords, depending if I let anorexic thoughts creep in. The problem is, because I'm not fully weight restored, I NEED to be concious that I NEED to gain more weight, I need to eat ENOUGH calories. 

It's like I've overdosed on numbers over the past three years in treatment, to the point that they don't mean anything to me now. 

To be honest, the numbness is driving me insane. I just wish I was numb enough to add the EXTRA to restore weight fully, but something is stopping me just letting go. And I can't feel it. Too much too numb. 

1 comment :

  1. Sometimes being disconnected from what the numbers mean can be part of the problem, though, almost a kind of excuse. As you say, in recovery, to a degree, it IS about the food and it is about the numbers. Those things do matter. I don't think you ever really feel ready to let go of an eating disorder, you do it afraid, at each stage, even the later stages of weight restoration, and your mind catches up later.