13 April 2014

Doesn't Sarah get a say?

Simply put, no, not really. Not if I let anorexia have any sort of say over any part of my life. 

That's what I need to remember again, and it keeps coming in waves of realisation at the moment. 

When I let anorexia dictate part of a meal or whether I make plans with friends, what I choose from a menu or not or how far I run. I'm ultimately letting my illness decide my life for me. 

These waves keep coming and they need to keep coming. They aren't waves that make me feel positive, they make me feel idiotic to be honest. Like a fool to believe that it is me, Sarah, that calls all the shots around here. It's terrifying to be honest, because I notice them and the message they carry and if I now choose to ignore the messages that I comprehend and accept, it means I have a responsibility to speak up against the suggestions anorexia makes.

It's something Dr B. touched on for a split second last week - if I let go of anorexic beliefs, then I'd be free to choose to think and believe in whatever I wanted to believe in. I'd get more of a say. 

He's right though, I'm walking around with a head congested with options, debates and shoulds or coulds. I'm sat half way into recovery, partly free, partly trapped. Letting anorexia convince me I have control, but I'm just not to be fully trusted with it. 

For me to be able to decide what I do with my life, anorexia can't have a say on anything. 

Envious of people, but why? Their lives seem so much better than mine, so full up of things, people, happiness and yes, freedom. Freedom to choose what they want to choose. And freedom ultimately leads to happiness. 

I need these waves to keep washing over me and reminding me that ME calling the shots without anorexia having a say doesn't mean that I will lose control, it means I get a say on my life again. 

I decided to start recovery in May 2011 and now, in 2014, I need to decide to start living. 

Luckily, I decide to make the next move. That I do get a say in. I just need to keep speaking up.

I need to choose, soon, because if I leave it up to anorexia, she'll choose what will ultimately kill me. Or at the very least, carve out a miserable, lonely life for me. That's what she wants. 

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