10 January 2013

Ranting about STILL restoring weight.

I am confident that deep down I DON’T actually want to LOSE weight, because long-term I KNOW it doesn’t give me the life I want, but I am trapped by not wanting to gain weight right now.I just want to stay put, maintain, no more. 

Although, that fear gives Ana strength and makes her voice louder and lies more believable.

I don’t SEE the long term. I can’t conceive that each pound or kilo makes it BETTER when I don’t know HOW it’ll get better, I don’t have a plan, I can’t be sure it will be. I hope it will, but how do I know?

 Because of this, right now each pound and kilo still feels worse. I know it is so short-sighted, but anorexia really does blur the vision. 

The longer I listen, the more I listen out for her, the harder I look for proof for HER, the louder she is and the more shit I feel, it’s just the way it goes with anorexia.

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